yippee ki yay!

Lauren Calhoun is about sick to death of running.

Not that that makes a difference. She's sure everyone is tired of it, their ragtag group. Most of them, like her and her family, are ex-citizens. A few of them are not, and she can feel the rebels eyeing her, eyeing her kids, sizing them up. Deciding how much of a threat they could be.

The underground railroad has been a blessing, but that doesn't mean it's easy, picking up and running away from everything. It feels like everything: the past twenty years of her life, of her kids' lives, gone in a flash, just one Breencast to alert them before City 11 was turned into a hostile place to live, headcrab shells and all.

They'd had to split up the family. No way they could all travel together, the Calhoun clan. Ed's too goddamn old and sick, has to be pushed in his wheelchair because he gets tired so fast. Lindsey--poor neurotic Lindsey, never the same after Chuck died and she lost the baby--she's with him, pushing him around, catering to his demands, Lauren's sure. Lindsey may have rebelled the hardest as a kid--

Well, aside from the obvious winner there. Lauren closes her eyes, trying not to think about her brother. How long has he been dead now? How far did he make it? He worked, lived at ground zero, there's no chance he made it out of there alive. Not soft, gentle Barney.

Coal sits across from her, knees drawn to his chest, thinking just as hard as she is. Lauren has no idea what he thinks about, her firstborn. He was almost eight when the Seven Hour War began. He was louder, more rambunctious when he was little, always shouting or sticking something in his mouth. Now he's silent, most of the time, ever since the accident. Lauren's not sure where he got that from. Maybe herself, if she has to guess. Sure as hell wasn't Dan.

She hasn't seen him since he signed up for Civil Protection, which is just as well. For all she cares, he can rot.

Their relationship's always been something. Difficult, sometimes. Fuck, she'd have tried to cut ties with him sooner, but then it would have just been her and Coal, and...

"Mom," Cade says, drawing her attention. Lauren lifts her head, looks her daughter over. "They said we're moving on." The CP presence up ahead must have cleared out, because sure enough, the rebels are ushering everyone along again.

Lauren nods and turns to get Coal's attention. By the time she looks back, Cade has vanished. God damnit. She's been doing that since she was a little kid, disappearing into crowds, hiding in clothing racks at stores. Lauren knows she'd rather travel alone, as if it were some kind of backpacking trip through Europe. (As if Europe were still a thing!)

She gets it. Cade is 25, she wants to pull away to independence. Lord knows the girl's earned her wings, has the right to fly away from this family--

God, she wonders what Barney would have done, in her position. He'd only met her sons a couple of times--her kids, she reminds herself--but he'd gotten along well with Coal. She has no idea if Cade would even remember meeting him, though.

Coal stands, shuffling after the group. There are over a dozen of them, including Lauren and her kids. The other group fleeing City 11 is larger, and will probably have to be split at least into three groups, if not four. This is, in essence, the test group, to see if they can make it to White Forest. She gets it. They don't want to risk it and send through the whole group of fifty, not all at once. They need to do a test run, tweak things a bit, here and there.

Coal's disappeared now too, mingling with the rebels, but she can see his hair as he trudges along. Cade is... gone, apparently, either around the corner in the tunnel or being held captive or who knows. Lauren tries to shock herself with that "who knows" bit, as if she might suddenly jumpstart her empathy. Maybe if something awful happens, she'll finally be able to bond with her kids.

The group dwindles over the next day and a half. At first, two of the rebels disappear from the tail end of the group. Then they wake up the next morning and the rest are gone. It's just ex-citizens now, lost and unsure how to move on without the rebels to help them.

So they stay camped out, waiting. The rebels will come back, one of the young ex-citizens argues, trying to take charge. Sit tight, don't move, and the rebels will find them. First rule of wilderness survival: Stay where you are.

"That's antlion shit," Cade declares. "If we sit here, we're just going to be picked off by the Combine, or worse."

They get into a row over it, shouting over each other about what to do. Lauren should step in, one way or another--maybe, but she's tired, and not really invested in the fight. She just wants to get somewhere with running water and take a shower.

Something crackles in the woods behind Cade. Everyone goes quiet, backing away from the treeline. They don't know what lives in there. Better not to lure it out.

"Well, now that our waiting spot is ruined," the ex-citizen Cade's been yelling at grumbles, starting to pull his pack back on.

"Oh, so you admit that sitting around with our thumbs up our asses waiting for the resistance to come fetch us is a bad move?"

"Well now that you've alerted the aliens to our presence, sure!"

Lauren sighs and rubs her forehead. Hot shower. Coming soon, hopefully. She looks around at the other handful of rebels, all younger and unsure, as Cade and the boy start ramping up to a shouting match again.

"We're heading west," she announces, interrupting. "We'll either find the gate, or another cache, or a patrol. Come find us when you're done." Having successfully taken charge, she heads off, leading the pack. Cade and the boy fall into step, ignoring each other.

They walk on for hours, an activity that is quickly passing "changing diapers" as Lauren's least favorite thing to do. Thank god there are no babies in the world anymore, she thinks, then immediately remembers that old people are a thing. Damnit. She scans the area as she walks, eyes sweeping back and forth, always looking for the next clue.

"Maybe we're off track," someone suggests, when the sun is directly overhead. "We would have seen a cache by now."

Lauren is about to relent and agree that they should rethink when something catches her eye. It's a length of wire, tied off to a tree root and slipped down into a hole, and when she tugs on it, it spasms. She yanks on it, but freezes and drops it when the shotgun is leveled at her.

"Don't move," the rebel warns. She comes closer, sweeping the shotgun over the group. "Is this all of you?" She asks, addressing Lauren. She nods.

The rebel shrugs, shouldering her shotgun, and crouches to yank on the snare. She hauls out the headcrab tangled in it and kills it efficiently, with just a few jabs of her knife. "Soup's on," she announces, and heads back the way she came, swinging the headcrab like it's...

Well, like it's not a dead alien.

"You guys coming?" she calls over her shoulder, holding up the dead headcrab. The group follows, a little trepidatious.

They learn that her name is Alyx; they learn to hustle, or she'll leave them behind, and they learn that she has dried "jerky" of some kind in her jacket pocket that she's not sharing with any of them. The City 11 refugees trudge along in silence, too tired and hungry to talk, or take in the scenery. It's beautiful out, probably. Lauren's never been crazy about nature, or scenic vistas or whatever, but she's aware that it's a pretty place. She's also aware that her feet hurt, that her boots don't fit right, and that she's going to have some nasty blisters when--if--they ever reach where they're headed.

And all at once, the entrance to White Forest is up ahead. "Ta-dah," Alyx says, finishing off her jerky. She leads them straight to the gate, holding her headcrab in the air like it's a hunting trophy, and then wanders right off as rebels corner the refugees to check them in.

There's a process to it, one that someone around here has clearly perfected over the years. The refugees are separated, taken to individual holding cells, strip searched, and then left in their skivvies to shiver and wait. Then a different set of rebels enters each room for the interrogation, drills them, takes their vitals, checks their pupil dilation and pulse and all those things. There's a scanner like the one she's seen at the train station, one that you walk through. It checks you for hidden weapons with a horrible, loud whirring noise.

Then it's back to the holding cell, but they at least give her a set of clothes. Rebel clothes, because they reportedly had to burn her civvies. Just as well. She wasn't a big fan of gunmetal gray anyway.

By the time she sees her kids again, it's late. The refugees are collected from their holding cells, some complaining about rough treatment, and then led to a mess hall to get some "food."

Food is apparently a real loose term around these parts. Lauren's pretty sure the technical term is slop, or maybe just shit, and no one else seems really eager about eating it either.

So they sit, silent and waiting, prodding at their meals, until the door opens and in walks The One Free Man.

Lauren's seen him a lot, recently. Never in person, rarely in focus. Just on the Breencast, displayed over the city like a wanted poster. HAVE YOU SEEN THIS VERY ORANGE MAN? But besides that, and before that, there was his wedding, and another wedding before that. And she feels stupid to admit it, but she hadn't planned this far ahead. Alright, flee City 11. Become a refugee, a rebel, and survive. But somewhere between points A and C is the critical part where Gordon Freeman has to forgive her family for what they've done.

She doesn't know him well enough to decide if that's going to happen. She knows Barney wouldn't, if he were here; he'd be kicking up a hell of a fuss, shouting at them to leave, to go, to rot.

Or maybe she's projecting. Maybe she wants her brother to be here, yelling and crying despite himself. Maybe that would make this feel more normal.

Point is, Gordon Freeman holds her life in his hands, and her kids' lives too. Does he even know it? Does he recognize her, after twenty years? She knows she's changed, but Hell, he sure hasn't. Still looks like he did at his wedding, just a little grimier.

Another man walks in, and everyone holds their breath. He's CP, Metrocop, whatever name you want to give him. Bad news. He stands beside The One Free Man, and for a long moment Lauren thinks they've been duped, lured right back around into one of the Cities, only this time the Combine knows they're traitors.

Freeman and the CP exchange some hand signals, and the Metrocop starts to remove his mask, then freezes. Nobody moves, too caught up in anticipation to even blink. Lauren can easily imagine that he's staring right at her, behind the black eyes of his gasmask. Again, projecting.

The Metrocop makes some frantic hand motion at Freeman, who reaches for him--but the CP is already headed back out of the room, door slamming shut behind him. A weird, heavy silence covers them, as Freeman clears his throat and says nothing.

Kind of an awkward start. Lauren sighs, sitting back in her seat, as Cade turns around to look at her, eyebrow raised. She shrugs flippantly in response. Gordon stands alone at the front of the room, until one of the rebels hustles over to start translating for him.

"Welcome to White Forest. I'm Gordon Freeman, and I'm here to answer any questions you might have now that you're here..." The rebel barely looks at Gordon's hands; he seems to have the welcome speech memorized. "If there's anything we can do to make this transition easier on you, let me know."

The refugees are tired. It's been a long trek up north. One of the young men asks "what was with that CP?" and Gordon signs, and the translator explains that he's one of us, he's a defector, he's here to help.

Do you remember me, Lauren wants to ask. Not now. But later.

Barney leans heavily against the wall, choking. He hasn't felt like this in--years, decades, he tells himself. No, maybe--well, yeah--no, not for years. He scrabbles at his mask and yanks it off, coughing hard as he sinks to his knees to vomit.

"Oh my god," he gasps between coughs. Fuck. What was that back there? A hallucination? He knows for a fact it wasn't her. In his mind, Lauren only exists in Texas, and Texas doesn't even exist anymore, hence...

"You okay, Calhoun?" a rebel asks, and Barney waves him off, sweating and breathing hard. He's just sick. Possibly in the head. Maybe it was something he ate. He knows Gordon's waiting for him to come back and translate, probably gonna come looking for him all worried if he doesn't. "I can't" isn't much of an excuse for dipping out on the welcoming committee, for fuck's sake.

He stands, leaning a hand against the wall. Who else? He didn't recognize anyone else in the crowd, but if Lauren's here, who else? Mom? Lindsey? ...Dad?

The thought chokes him again and he tugs at his dewlap collar, wiping sweat from his face. God damn. It's been twenty... over twenty years, and he's not over it, huh? Barney passes back by the mess hall, glances at the window long enough to see that someone else is interpreting for Gordon, and hustles on. He needs to lay down. Or possibly drink.

Better just go lie down, he decides, heading for his room to do just that. He can't stop sweating, shaking. Twenty fucking years, and his family still can't leave him alone.

"Calhoun!" a rebel calls after him, and Barney stops wiping at his clammy face long enough to respond.

"Yeah."

"You wanna come give us a hand with this?"

Sure, why the hell not, Barney decides, even as one of the rebels quietly informs him that you look like shit, Calhoun. He feels like shit, too! They're working on the Magnussons, the sticky bombs. He likes to joke that they're annoying as fuck to deal with, and that's why they're named after Dr. Magnusson.

Dr. Magnusson does not like this line of joking.

Tonight though, Barney's got nothing funny to say, no hilarious quips. He works in silence, keeping his hands moving. Idle hands are one thing, but an idle mind is another. That's more than a plaything for the devil; it's a full blown toybox, full of forgotten junk, things that are scary to think about, things that hurt.

He focuses for a long while on the job, but the memories creep in over the edges. And there he is, and there's Lauren, and there's Dan.

Ed had only hired him for a summer job, a temp gig. He needed a hand around the ranch, and Dan's father, as Barney understood it, was a bit of a hardass. Wanted his boy out of the house, doing something worthwhile.

Barney wouldn't care, if he didn't have to work under the jackass. And Dan was a jackass. A real bastard. He wouldn't say shit when Ed's around, knew better, but the minute he was gone, he was ready to corner Barney.

They had a bit of a past together, him and Dan. Dan had been bullying him for a couple years by that point, cornering him at school with that wild, scary look in his eyes. Barney wasn't scared of him, not like he was of Ed, but something about that look made him uncomfortable. Felt unsafe.

Anyway, Ed had hired him, and it had turned out Dan was damn good at the work. Good enough to keep after the summer was over, maybe. He was a natural at everything, it seemed like, and Ed wouldn't stop barking at Barney to "take a look at Dan, he knows what he's doing."

Dan didn't mind doing the worst jobs, either. Not like mucking shit--no, Barney got stuck with that kind of work, by virtue of being the youngest on the ranch. It was like an automatic coin toss loss. But Dan didn't mind handling the cattle gun, didn't mind putting it up between the cows' eyes and pulling the trigger. The kind of thing that made Barney want to puke just watching--so he tried not to watch, just listen for the GASHNK of the bolt and the thud that followed.

But Dan always had that scary look in his eyes after, like he just really enjoyed it.

It would have been fall before Ed hooked Dan up with Lauren. His sister was frigid, Barney was well aware of that. She had a reputation at school as an ice queen; the type with a real cold heart, impossible to melt. She and Dan didn't even seem to like each other any, but Ed wanted Dan in the family, he made that real clear, real fast.

This, too, made Barney feel sick.

So they started dating, which meant Dan was around the house now, too. Great. Barney tried not to think about it, about Dan in his older sister's room one wall over, as he clicked around the internet on his computer. There were certain things he couldn't control... most things. This was just one of them.

He looked up when his door opened, expecting Lindsey to poke her head in. Instead, Dan entered, followed by Lauren, and shut the door behind himself.

"Shit, Barney, this is your room?" Dan laughed, looking around at his decor. Torn, faded posters and magazine clippings, glow in the dark stars. "It's like a damn kid lives here."

"What do you want," Barney sneered at him, leaning his elbow on his desk. Lauren hovered by the closed door, waiting.

"Mind your tone, boy," Dan snapped, and then laughed, wandering around his room looking, touching, judging. Barney recoiled as Dan neared his desk.

"What're you lookin at on here, porn?"

"No."

"Well what then?"

"I'm doing research," Barney snapped, and Dan laughed, ruffling his hair obnoxiously. "What do you want?" he repeated, and Dan shrugged, picking up a snowglobe off of Barney's desk.

Barney scowled and sighed and turned back to his research, resolving to ignore him, even as Dan fucked around in his bedroom.

It took him a minute to register that Dan was standing over him again, holding something out. Barney lifted his head, looking up, and froze. Dan had the cattle gun. Why did Dan have the cattle gun? Why was Dan pointing the cattle gun at him?

Why wasn't Lauren saying anything?

"You wanna die today, Barney?" Dan asked, and Barney shook his head slowly, fearfully, eyes on the bolt.

"What do you think Lauren, does Barney wanna die?"

Lauren didn't answer. "C'mon, your call," Dan said, and she shrugged.

"Lauren?" Barney asked, voice coming out as a whimper.

"Do what you want," Lauren said decisively, and Dan grinned wide, that look in his eyes again. Wild and scary and wrong.

"Dan--" Barney started, and Dan pressed the cattle gun to his forehead, damp with sweat. "Please."

"What're you gonna do for me, huh?" Dan asked, twisting the barrel of the cattle gun against Barney's face. "What's in it for me, buddy?"

"Please," Barney whimpered. "I--I don't wanna die."

Dan laughed and laughed and laughed.

"Whoa there," a rebel says, "your hands are shaking, Calhoun. You feeling alright?" Barney blinks at the question, becoming slowly aware of his deathgrip on the screwdriver. He... sure is shaking, huh. Got too wrapped up in nothing again.

"Sorry," he laughs, trying to play it off. It's a hollow sound, his chuckle. "I think I'm gonna step out, have a smoke."

"Alright, take your time. We're mostly done for the night anyway."

Dan hadn't killed him that day, obviously. Barney remembers as he staggers down the hall and through a door, out into the open night air. Dan had just laughed and said he was joking, just kidding, stop crying about it, idiot. And Barney had cried, and Lauren had just stood there, arms crossed, watching. Not doing a damn thing, not saying a damn thing.

Does he resent her for that? A little. Sure, why not. Just one more footnote in a manifesto of wrongs. At this point, he doesn't see any reasons not to resent her, or the rest of the Calhouns. They'd tried so, so hard to break him, to ruin his life. To ruin his life with Gordon. And he's only just got Gordon back now; he's not equipped to deal with this. Not one bit.

He leans against the outer wall of the building, sliding down to squat on the ground. His hand goes to his inner right pocket, over his chest, where he keeps a tin of cigarettes. A shitty habit he'd picked right back up while Gordon was gone. Oral fixation. Sometimes it's easier to ground yourself with something in your mouth.

He pops the tin open, picking out one of the slender cigarettes, and lights it with a match. This shit's hard to get ahold of, in this day and age; you can't very well just walk into a convenience store and ask for Marbs anymore. The Combine provided tobacco to their CP units, at a cost--and he's aware that that means they've gotta be incredibly bad for him, but it's not like they weren't already. Still, he always tried not to waste ration tickets on stupid shit like that, got his fix from resistance farming operations instead. Hand rolled in thin slips of paper, stashed away in his tin in his inner right breast pocket, a couple dozen little bits of heaven, or something similar.

Barney inhales and finds himself melting, all the stress and fear just dripping off of him like wax. Heavy, and slow, but it's surely going to slip away. His hands slowly stop shaking as he smokes, one cigarette and then another, invisible in the darkness except for the cherry red ember at the end of his smoke. He closes his eyes and breathes.

It's been a weird night, Gordon decides. By no means is it in his top ten weirdest nights compilation, but it's definitely a little off. Alyx lingers nearby, chatting with two of the younger refugees, bragging about taking out some Combine, and Gordon hears one of them ask about the CP a while ago.

"He's one of ours," Alyx says, and doesn't explain further.

Gordon's eyes scan the room. The mess hall is pretty empty at this hour; they only had food out so late as a courtesy to the refugees coming in. The Vortigaunts that work in the kitchen are nowhere to be seen, because as the rebel leaders say, it's harder for newcomers to trust the resistance when aliens are serving them headcrab soup.

Actually, Gordon's not sure what kind of headcrab-meal it was tonight. He didn't really recognize any of the flavors, other than "dirt."

Across the mess hall, a woman stands, approaching. Gordon gives her a little wave as she comes closer, searching his face for the answer to some question she hasn't asked yet.

"Hey... Gordon."

He nods. There's not much more he can relay, other than yes or no, not unless Alyx stops bragging about how many zombies she blew up yesterday and comes over to interpret for him.

"Do you remember me?" Gordon blinks and squints, trying to place her. She could be anyone; someone he met a week ago, or twenty years back. Who's to say! He shrugs, giving her an awkward smile.

"I... do you remember Barney Calhoun?" she asks, and Gordon feels something heavy and cold drop in his stomach. She doesn't elaborate, doesn't explain, but it's jarring. How does this refugee know his husband?

<I do,> he signs, <we're married. How do you know him?>

The woman's eyes flicker back and forth between his hands and face, as if trying to read something that's not there. Gordon sighs, turning to ask Alyx for assistance--but she's gone, along with several of the refugee youths, off to cause some trouble.

He shrugs at the woman again, apologetic. She just nods, turning to head back to her seat, eyes distant.

And that's that. She walks away, not mad or sad, just... resolved. Like she's gleaned something from this almost-conversation without getting a single word out of him. He'll have to remember to ask Alyx or Barney to talk to her later, to translate for him.

Barney... He's worried about Barney. He never just leaves during the welcoming speech, not like that. It had put everyone on edge, and that's not really Barney's fault, but...

He exits the mess hall to go looking for his husband, up and down the hallways. One rebel stops him to inform him that Barney's sick, that he threw up in the hallway a bit ago, right near the mess hall. That sounds bad. When he stops to ask another rebel if she's seen Barney, her response is that he seemed pretty shaken up about something; we told him to go take it easy.

He finally heads outside, out into the black of night. The stars glimmer bright in the sky above, unfettered by light pollution. Just miles and miles of inky black, speckled with white. Gordon spends a minute admiring the sky, then sets off again to find Barney.

He doesn't need to go far. The smell of tobacco and the bead of red light in the shadows is enough to give him away. Gordon raises a hand in greeting as he approaches, and hears Barney shuffle, returning the gesture.

"Hey, babydoll."

Gordon crouches beside him in the shadows, eyes adjusting to the dark. Barney's watching him, waiting for him to say something. Like an animal caught in the trap, waiting for the finishing blow.

<Why did you leave,> Gordon signs, and he sees Barney roll his shoulders in a shrug. He turns his head away to exhale a stuttering cloud of smoke, and starts to bring the cigarette to his lips again. Gordon grabs it from him, stubs it out on the ground among the other used butts, and hands it back to him.

"I just... couldn't do it tonight," Barney says, retrieving the tin from his pocket and popping it open to stash the half smoked cigarette. "I'm sorry."

<You got sick in the hallway too.>

"Goddamn, these rebels will tell you anything, huh," Barney sighs. He closes his eyes, breathing slowly. Inhale and hold it for a bit. Exhale and hold it. Box breathing. Gordon taught him that, a long time back, and he's said before that he's never sure if it's actually working or not--

Gordon rubs his shoulder until Barney opens his eyes again. <I need to know what's wrong so I can help,> Gordon signs to him, and Barney hesitates, grimacing. <Please.>

"I don't wanna tell you," Barney says softly. "I--I don't even know if I'm right or not. Might not even be..."

<Barney.>

"I saw my sister in there, Gordo," he admits. Gordon's hands fall still. "I just... I got so scared."

<L A U R E N? Or L I N D S-- >

"Lauren," Barney confirms. "Don't even know if Lindsey's still..." He shakes his head, muttering. "Nevermind. I just... I was scared." He shivers, sniffles. The cold makes his nose run and freeze. "I was so scared, Gordon, fuck. If she's here, then..."

Gordon pulls him into a hug, petting his hair. "I can't do it," Barney says. "Not if they're all here." Gordon kisses the side of his head, and Barney whimpers. "I've been runnin away from this shit for twenty five years, I can't... I can't just let them catch up."

"Barney..."

"It's cold out here," Barney says. "S'posed to just get worse. Should head in..."

Gordon doesn't move until Barney does, stands with him and kisses him, wiping at his wet cheeks with his thumbs. "Sorry," Barney mutters, and Gordon shakes his head.

<I'm right here.> His heart hurts, though, knowing how scared his husband is, knowing that his wounds still hurt him.

"I don't know what to do, Gordon." Gordon nods, taking Barney's hand to lead him towards the door. It really is cold out. "If I--if I talk to her, I don't know what I'll say. I don't know how I'm s'posed to deal with this."

Gordon doesn't let go of his hand until they're inside, then turns to sign to him. <I'll be right there with you, Barney.>

Barney nods slowly, letting Gordon take his hand again and lead him off towards bed.

"Twenty points!" Alyx declares, as the zombie she's targeted goes up in screaming, sobbing flames. It drags itself forward towards the fences, but ultimately collapses and burns away into nothing, leaving silence.

She's just borrowing the grenade launcher, just for a bit. Just to have some fun. And sure, anyone could tell her it's not a toy, it's not for fun--whatever. She has new people to show the ropes to, and one of those ropes involves lighting zombies on fire.

Of the refugees that came into camp earlier in the night, three of them have tagged along with her to watch. Not a bad crowd. Avram--a boy bounced between cities a couple of times, no family. Kind of a whiner, but she's not judging. He's had a hard trek. Cade and Coal--siblings, as far as she can tell. Coal hasn't said a thing all night, but Alyx has no problem with that. She spends most of her time around the quietest guy in the resistance, anyway. Cade's not exactly chatty either, but when Avram starts complaining about the inhumanity and the noise and the smell, she at least steps up to defend Alyx with a "let's see where she's going with this."

"We got zombines," Alyx announces, and laughs at her own joke. The other three glance at one another. "You know? Zombie combine? Zom...bine?"

Nothing from the peanut gallery. Fine, whatever. Alyx swaps out the grenade launcher for a 9mm pistol, if only because this zombine has a grenade and is quickly approaching. The other youths watch and flinch as she shoots the zombie in the head, three times, before it goes down--and then explodes from its own grenade.

"Alright!" Alyx cheers. "Forty points."

The points system is arbitrary and untracked; she just likes giving herself numbers.

She's launching grenades at crows outside of the base when the speaker system whines with noise and Magnusson starts tearing into her. "Vance! Whatever you think you're doing up there, you can knock it the hell off! Some of us are trying to work!" The nearest PA speaker crackles, and Alyx looks back at it, lips pursed. Fine, she'll stop. No fun allowed at White Forest, not when Magnusson's around.

A zombine comes running towards the fence, attracted by the noise of the bullhorn, and Alyx takes it down with the pistol and steps off the catwalk as its grenade explodes. She makes it all of five feet from the fence when Magnusson starts screaming his head off through the PA system again; "Vance! I know you hear me up there, do you have any idea what an annoyance you're being?"

"Alright, alright!" Alyx yells back, aware he can't hear her. It's a shame the PA system is one-way, she thinks. She'd love to give him a piece of her mind right back.

"There's other stuff to do around here," she informs her three shadows. Two, actually. One of them has vanished. Cade follows along behind her, Avram trailing after them. "You two wanna see a debeaked headcrab?"

"No," Avram says, sounding disgusted.

"Yes," Cade says eagerly. Alyx grins. She likes this girl's attitude.

They make it all of thirty feet across the yard when Dog comes bounding over, nearly slamming into Alyx. "Whoa boy!" she calls, laughing, as the robot picks her up over his shoulder. "Alright, I get it, you wanna play some fetch. We can go see Lamarr anytime." Dog sets her back on her feet, stomping impatiently, playfully.

"Alright, you guys are gonna love this," she declares. "You ever seen a zero point energy field manipulator?" Two headshakes meet her question. "We call it--well, I call it a gravity gun." She knows Gordon's left it in the usual spot, because Gordon's a good boy who doesn't walk around carrying heavy weapons all the time. "Bingo! Watch this."

Dog scampers around eagerly, waiting for her to throw something. Alyx picks up an old paint can, empty (she hopes) and chucks it as hard as she can with the grav gun. It goes flying, and Dog chases after it, making excited noises.

"He really likes fetch," she explains, as Dog flings the paint can back at her, full force. Alyx grabs it out of the air with the gun, firing it off into the sky. Dog beats his fists on the dirt before chasing after it again.

"What is that thing," Avram asks, and Alyx laughs, like it's a dumb question.

"Dog? He's my best friend."

"Doesn't look like any dog I've ever seen," Avram argues, and Alyx decides then and there that he's on thin fucking ice.

"Okay, well, you let me know where you're seeing other dogs, alright?" She returns her focus to Dog, who's starting to pick up a car engine to chuck at her. "Alright boy, go ahead!"

"Alyx," Barney calls, and she grimaces, makes a throat cutting motion at Dog, and tries to hide the gravity gun all at once. "C'mon, kiddo, it's not a toy."

"Yeah, I know," Alyx says. "I'm not playing with it, though. This is purely demonstrative."

"Uh huh." Barney reaches them and looks her tagalongs over. "I know you're showin your new friends around, but people are probably tryin to sleep."

"Probably," Alyx echoes dubiously.

"Shit, I don't know kiddo, maybe some folks like to go to bed early."

"Old people," Alyx says, grinning and elbowing him in the ribs. Barney sighs.

"Not me--Kleiner complained."

"Ah," Alyx says simply. No comeback.

"You folks oughta get some sleep anyway," Barney says, addressing Avram and Cade. "I bet it's been a long day."

Avram nods, but Cade is squinting hard, and Alyx wonders if she's about to start shit with Barney when he turns away. "I'm gonna get back to bed," he says, and Alyx laughs, slapping him on the shoulder.

"Goodnight grandpa Barney!"

He curses over his shoulder at her, "kiddo, shut the hell up, I'm not that old!"

"You kiss your husband with that mouth?" she shouts back, and Barney makes a rude gesture at her as he slips back into the building.

"Who was that," Cade asks, the moment Barney's gone. Alyx glances her way.

"Barney? He's my uncle. Cool guy. ...Don't tell him I said that."

"Do you have a lot of ex-CP around here," Avram asks, as Alyx leads the way inside, to show them to their rooms.

"Huh... not a lot, no. Sometimes we get defectors, but there aren't many that stay at White Forest. Barney, though, he's a good guy. One of our leaders." She leads them down a couple of hallways, through a blast door. "He and Gordon are married."

"You know Freeman?" Avram asks.

"Sure, everyone does. I mean, I always heard about him growing up, like he was some kind of god. Then I met him, and sure enough, he's just some guy. But we clicked right away--like we'd been friends all our lives. Here's your room," she says, pushing open a door with no distinct or identifying features for Avram. He peeks in at the mattress on the floor, unsure. "Bathroom's the sixth door down, on the left."

She leads Cade on a little further after that, to a door with a Lambda sticker half peeled off of it. "Same shit different door," she announces, shouldering it open. "It's not much, but trust me, after the walk you guys just had, you'll sleep like the dead." She pauses, watching Cade step into the small room and kick her boots off. "Any questions?"

Cade doesn't hesitate. "What's Barney's last name?"

"Hm? Calhoun. Anything else?"

Cade's eyes narrow, but she shakes her head, and Alyx slips back into the hallway, shutting the door softly behind her. Weird girl. Cute, but weird! She stretches, heading back through the blast doors and down a few more halls, back into the night air to hang out with Dog for a bit.

Things simmer down after Alyx goes to bed. The base goes quiet and mostly dark, except for the lucky rebels who get to keep watch through the overnight. The world is hushed and sleeping as the hours tick by, time's invisible hands pushing life along to midnight, then one am, two...

The next group of refugees arrive sometime between two and three, and have to be separated, held in cells, strip searched, interrogated, checked for cybernetics... It's a long goddamn night to be on the guard tower, or working intake. It's a longer night to be The One Free Man, because he's been up since dawn of the previous day, and now he has another speech to make.

Gordon's exhausted. He can barely keep his eyes open as he gets his coffee--that viscous, bitter stuff--and heads to the mess hall. He needs to snap out of it, wake himself up so he can deal with the second wave of refugees, greet them, answer any questions they might have...

But it's so early.

Unfortunately, The One Free Man does not look as imposing sitting down--or so he's been told. Instead, he stands at the front of the room again, as if he's giving a lecture, and signs the typical welcome speech--which isn't really a speech, he reminds himself, just a friendly, well practiced greeting. <Hello, I'm Gordon Freeman. I know it's been a long journey. I'm here to answer any questions you might have...>

His eyes scan the crowd, half asleep, half bored. The youngest person in this group looks about his husband's age. Several of them are over the hill, close to the old man in the wheelchair in appearance. Gordon glances at him, and his eyes focus, squint, refocus. The man won't look at him--that's fine, whatever--but there's something so familiar in his face, such an angry expression that he's sure he knows from somewhere.

But it's nothing, he's positive.

"Any questions for Doctor Freeman?" the rebel translating asks. Normally it would be Barney by his side, but Gordon hadn't wanted to wake him. His husband works so hard, is so often exhausted, and if he can steal him a few extra hours of sleep, then good.

Besides that, news travels fast around White Forest, and the word in the halls now is that Barney stormed out of the last welcome party without interpreting a damn thing.

"Are we expected to live here indefinitely?" one of the refugees asks. "This place is depressing."

<No,> Gordon signs, and the rebel interpreter translates for him. <Many of you will be relocated to other camps. It's a matter of helping you acquire the skills needed to survive and then helping you find a new home.>

Silence for a minute, and Gordon thinks he might be able to wrap this one up early and slip back into bed beside Barney. The old man in the wheelchair looks at him, finally, and Gordon sees his eyes and nearly topples over.

Edmond Calhoun. There's no doubt about it; he's older, and frail, but the black look of hatred in his eyes is the same as ever. Gordon's hands still midway through asking if there are any more questions, squeeze and clench into fists.

He wants that man dead.

How the fuck is he supposed to break this to Barney? No, better yet, how does he keep this from Barney? It would hurt him immeasurably to see his father right now, Gordon knows. There's got to be some way, right...?

He knows there isn't. He's just hoping. Ed maintains eye contact, and its like an electric current connects them; Gordon shivers and jolts, stepping back. He can't just pull out a pistol and shoot Ed between the eyes, as much as he'd love to. He's going to have to wait, keep cool, bide his time--but all he can think of is how satisfying it felt to beat Ed bloody at his wedding, to let out all of his rage and pain and hate for the man.

Ed's eyes narrow and he sneers, and Gordon's nose wrinkles in distaste. The woman next to him has to be Lindsey, he thinks. Small frame, curly black hair, going gray. She's staring off into nothing, like she's dazed.

"I think we're good, Freeman," the rebel says, when a minute's passed and no one's asked any questions. Gordon sucks in a shaky breath, nodding, and turns to leave without excusing himself.

He's not scared. He's not afraid of Ed, and he's not sure if he ever has been. Not even at his wedding, when Ed had nearly killed Barney. Not even in the desert, pointing a shotgun at him while Dan screamed and wailed. Gordon's hated the man since he first saw him, beating on his beloved, but he's never been scared of him.

Gordon's just pissed. It's like his vision is doused in red as he storms through the halls, ignoring sleepy greetings, slamming open doors. He wants to kill Ed so, so badly, and he has to restrain himself from running the rest of the way to Barney's room.

He stops outside the door, trying to control his breathing, and peeks in to see if his husband's still asleep. Sure enough, Barney's snoring soundly, unaware of the turmoil Gordon's dealing with. His scarred face looks so peaceful in sleep. Gordon doesn't know how to do this. He doesn't know what to do. Hiding Ed from Barney isn't an option, it's not doable, and it's not what he wants, either, but he still can't bring himself to shake Barney awake and sign to him, <your father is here.>

Instead he steps inside, shuts the door, and sits down on the edge of Barney's mattress. Fuck. There's gotta be some way of dealing with this without hurting Barney. Maybe he can send the Calhouns away. Does he have that authority? To just send people places? He'll ask Alyx later.

Barney stirs and reaches over for him, wrapping his arms around Gordon's middle with a slur of "heeeey, baby." Gordon allows himself to be pulled down into snuggling range, stroking his husband's cheek as he yawns.

"You're up early," Barney murmurs, eyes closed. Gordon kisses his cheek, burning inside. He needs to say something, but... not now. Not in this brief moment of comfort.

Barney wakes up rested, feeling better than he has in a bit. Something about getting those uninterrupted eight hours is good for him, and it's better when Gordon's there. Gordon's fast asleep, glasses askew on his face, eyebrow twitching, and Barney kisses his cheek and lays back to watch him for a while, smiling fondly. He loves this man so much.

He lays there, stroking Gordon's cheek and watching him sleep until the urge to pee becomes too much to bear, then gets up. He's headed back towards his room after using the bathroom when he catches a whiff of himself. Alright, it's bath day.

The shower room is a big, wide room covered in tile, with a floor that slopes gently down towards the drain in the center of the room. There's a row of mirrors along one wall, over the sinks, and the rest of the space is largely dedicated to shower stalls.

Barney strips down, trying not to look at himself in the foggy mirror nearby. He's lost some weight over the past couple decades--and twenty years ago, he would have been over the moon for that, to be skinny enough for his abs to show. Now it's just kind of depressing; another thing to remind him that he's starving, exhausted. He actually misses how his body used to be, in his twenties.

Well shit, doesn't everyone?

Once undressed, he reaches into a shower stall to turn on the water.The industrial water heater roars to life as he steps into the spray, wetting his hair and face first.

Every day can't be bath day... it's not feasible. But it's nice to just have days like this, where he can feel all the soot and grime and blood run off his body in rivulets and disappear down the drain.

Barney's not sure how long he spends in the shower, just that his fingers are pruny when he hears Alyx on the other side of the curtain. "Whole lotta scientists live here," she says to someone, and then clears her throat.

"What," Barney asks.

"I forgot my soap, Barney."

"Then I guess you better go get it, kiddo."

"Oh come on," Alyx complains, and Barney sighs, rolls his eyes, and breaks off a piece of soap to pitch over the curtain at her. She cheers.

"You owe me," Barney informs her, as Alyx turns the water on in her stall. "I mean it."

"I'll buy you a beer, how about that?" Alyx calls, and Barney chuckles. "Another group of refugees came in this morning," Alyx announces a minute later. "Heard from the chef."

"You give that chef any compliments?" Barney calls back.

"I told him he has beautiful eyes."

A minute or two passes before it clicks in Barney's brain. A new influx of refugees would mean Gordon would have been at the welcoming party... Which explains why he was trying to get Barney to wake up this morning, wouldn't it?

"Shit," he mutters, turning off the water and wrapping a towel around his waist. "Alyx, I gotta go find Gordon. Don't use all the hot water."

"I will," she says, like that's possible.

Barney doesn't have a lot of "comfy" clothes. Gordon's got his regular, non-HEV suit clothes: a couple of t-shirts with a Lambda symbol, a sweater, a jacket, two pairs of pants, plenty of socks. Alyx wears the same thing whether they give her new clothes or not, but he knows she's got more stashed somewhere. Like a damn squirrel.

For Barney though, it's the CP uniform, pajamas, or nudity, most of the time. He has a good feeling most of the rebels wouldn't be happy if he walked around undressed, so he opts for the uniform, shrugging back into it. It weighs heavy on his shoulders, baggy around his middle where he's lost some weight the past couple decades.

For a guy in a big orange metal suit, Gordo can be a tough one to locate. Course, he may not even be in the HEV suit right now, Barney thinks. He wasn't first thing this morning, that's for sure.

He checks Kleiner's lab first, though, just to make sure. The HEV suit is... gone. "If you're looking for Gordon, I sent him out on a mission," Kleiner tells him. "He should be back quickly."

"Thanks, doc," Barney sighs, leaning against the console.

"By the way, Barney, have you seen Alyx today?"

"Yeah, she's in the shower, last I saw."

"Hm, well... If you see her again, tell her I need to speak with her."

"Will do," Barney says, leaning his hand against the same console. An alarm blares overhead and he jolts away from the buttons he's pressed.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Magnusson barks, coming into the lab a moment later. "I step away for three minutes, and you've got metrocops in here pushing whatever buttons they please?"

"Well, now, Doctor Magnusson, there's really no need to point fingers..." Kleiner trails off as Magnusson jabs his finger at Barney.

"I don't see what this one even needs in here! I know for a damn fact you're not helping with anything, other than drinking and shooting."

"That's not fair to Barney," Kleiner tries, and Magnusson ignores him. Barney crosses his arms over his chest, grinding his teeth a bit.

"You were a fuckup at Black Mesa, and you're still a fuckup here!" The alarm has stopped going off overhead, but Magnusson's still yelling. "Frankly, you have no business being in here--go on, shoo!"

"You done?" Barney drawls, and Magnusson storms up to him to shout some more. Apparently he's not done.

"Between YOU and that damn headcrab, I don't even know how we get anything done around here! It must be my leadership skills."

"Lamarr is a valuable part of our team," Kleiner begins to argue, as Eli walks into the lab.

"Vance!" Magnusson snaps, rounding on him. Eli looks like he'd rather turn around and leave than speak to him. "I needed those spreadsheets two hours ago--and will you tell this buffoon to get out of the lab?"

"Hi Barney," Eli says, and Barney gives him a nod. He stands back, careful not to touch any more buttons, as the three scientists convene to solve some problem with an equation.

He barely has time to react to the clicking noise behind him before Lamarr launches at his head, and then to hell with not pressing buttons. Barney yells, holding the headhumper at arm's length to throw it off, staggering back into the console again. The alarm blares. Magnusson turns, sourfaced, to glare at him.

"I'm just gonna go!" Barney announces.

"Don't forget to send Alyx my way!" Kleiner calls after him, picking up Lamaar to pet her.

Barney lingers for a while in camp, hoping Gordon might turn up. No such luck. The morning's passing him by; there won't be any breakfast if he doesn't pick up the pace. So Barney pushes himself back to his feet and heads for the mess hall. It's busy; they've had a lot of new faces coming in recently, people that need to be moved along to other camps if their food's going to last more than a month.

He gets in line for breakfast, picking up a plate to get his food. The line is slow moving, which isn't exactly good news, but he's not going to give up yet. There's probably at least some scraps to gnaw on, like he's the family dog.

His eyes drift over the room, looking over the rebels and refugees as he waits. Ragtag group, sure, but they've come this far. His eyes linger on the far end of the room, on a group of refugees. Lauren. She's not looking at him, locked instead in heated conversation with an old guy. Barney wonders for a minute how she knows him, considers approaching to mediate, and sets his plate down.

Then the old man lifts his head, and despite the two decades that have passed, Barney knows him. He'd know that face, those eyes, anywhere. Ed's not looking at him, glowering as he is up at Lauren, but the pitch black of his eyes is the worst kind of homecoming. Barney doesn't think, just moves. He strides forward, stun baton at the ready, crackling with electricity.

Something grabs on, tugs, and Barney yanks back without looking. He hears Gordon wince and turns slowly to look at him, to where he's hanging on to the end of the crackling weapon.

He's still got his wits about himself enough to know he's done wrong, and Barney releases it, letting the baton clatter to the floor. Gordon flexes his hand in the HEV suit, signs to him.

<No.>

"Gordon--" Barney hisses, as Gordon signs again.

<You have to be their leader.>

Barney shudders, signs back. <I want...>

<No.>

<He deserves to die.>

<Not here. Wait.>

Barney feels himself tearing up, and Gordon pulls him into a one-armed hug, still flexing his hand, the one Barney hurt. The signed word lingers in his mind. Wait.

For what? For Ed to try to kill them again?

The rebels are either oblivious, or purposely ignoring them, giving them space for whatever that was about--but the refugees stare openly, unsure what's going on. Lauren's looking their way too, her eyes--so much like Ed's--lingering on him.

He pulls himself away, returns his weapon to his belt, and leaves the mess hall, Gordon trailing after him. "Did you know that he was here," Barney asks, once they're a ways out from the entrance to the mess hall. Gordon doesn't hesitate, just nods. "Fuck," Barney hisses, turning to kick the wall hard with his boot. Gordon watches him, silent.

He can't exactly be mad at Gordon. And he's not, he finds. It's not Gordon's fault that his dad is alive, and here. If anything, he's mad at himself for nearly losing control in the mess hall.

Nearly. Like he didn't try to go over the table at the old man. Barney sighs, rubbing his face with a gloved hand, as the door to the mess hall swings open again and Lauren approaches.

"Hey, sis," he croaks, not quite meeting her gaze.

"Hey," Lauren says, voice steady. A pause. "Good to see that you're alive."

Gordon considers slipping away, making himself scarce, but Barney reaches for his hand--his injured hand, and he tries not to wince--holding him close. "Yeah, I'm... 'm alive," Barney says finally.

It's so awkward.

"Are your boys here with you?" Barney asks, making polite conversation.

"My kids," Lauren says, nodding, and Barney nods too, not catching the correction.

"Good, good... Glad they're here."

"You should meet them. Coal remembers you."

"Yeah," Barney says. Something to look forward to, sure. Right after he kills Ed, maybe. The mess hall door opens again and out steps a young woman, Gordon's age or maybe a bit younger. She approaches the group, eyeing them strangely.

"Cade," Lauren says, addressing her, "do you remember your uncle Barney?"

Something flickers across Barney's face; confusion, because he's never met any daughter of Lauren's, just her two boys--then recognition, when it clicks in his brain. Then something else, a sort of hurt look.

"We've met," Barney says finally, throat dry. Gordon's biting his lip, looking over at him. He gets it too, apparently.

Lauren is silent, just eyeing Barney, like she's waiting for him to say something, try something. Barney gives a nervous, panic-laced laugh, and shakes his head, turning away.

"I gotta... get somewhere."

"You're still a bad liar," Lauren scoffs.

"Yeah, well, guess I was just bad at pretending. You know? Pretending to be somethin I wasn't."

"You don't get to take out your pain on my daughter, Barney," Lauren warns. Cade looks hurt and confused, and Gordon gives her a sympathetic smile. Family stuff can be hard! Or at least, Calhoun family stuff.

"I'm not. I'm not," Barney says, repeating himself. "Just... when did things change? When it started affecting you, personally?"

Lauren purses her lips, arms crossed. "That's not fair and you know it."

"Uh-huh."

"I always supported you."

"Yeah, sounds about right. That's why you married that piece of shit. How is Dan, by the way? He here with you?"

"He's CP," Lauren says, voice cold. "We split up years ago."

"Good for you," Barney huffs. Gordon pries his hurt hand free from his grip and signs, fumbling for something to say to diffuse the situation.

<Maybe we should all just take a deep breath.>

"I don't think deep breathing's gonna help right now, Gordo," Barney sighs. He closes his eyes and rubs his face, tries it anyway. Inhale... hold... and exhale.

But when he opens his eyes, Lauren's still standing there, glaring at him. Must not have worked. Cade, meanwhile, has vanished.

"I get that you two are together and think you're all progressive and in the right," Lauren says, "but if you're not going to respect my daughter--"

"Jesus, Lauren, I respect her! Why do you think I don't? I'm just hurt! Dad--Ed tried to kill me last time I saw him, you remember? And the time before that--"

Lauren purses her lips again, gestures for him to go on and tell his sob story. Barney stammers. "He--he chased us out into the desert, gave some--big, big speech about what a fuck up I was, nearly p-put me down like an old work dog out there! So sorry if I'm a lil hurt that everything's apparently fine now!"

"Everything is fine," Lauren says. "You're the one taking issue with it."

"I'm not taking issue--! Gordon," Barney says, turning to him, and Gordon shakes his head. He's trying not to intervene, Barney can see, but he starts to sign anyway, considering his words carefully.

<Barney is the last person who would judge your daughter. You shouldn't be accusing him of something like this.> Barney's face is flushed with stress and anger as he translates, and Lauren shakes her head, mutters whatever.

Barney sighs, loudly, and rubs at his face. "Lauren, tell Cade I'm sorry for... whatever I said wrong."

"Tell her yourself, next time you see her." Lauren scoffs. "That should give you time to figure out a real apology." She turns on her heel and storms off, leaving Barney to fume and Gordon to nurse his wounded hand.

"Jesus fucking Christ," Barney hisses, when Lauren is gone. "Just had to be them, huh." Gordon pulls him into a hug, and Barney huffs and kisses his neck, grumbling until he's calmer.

<Stay away from Ed,> Gordon signs to him, and Barney nods, feeling sufficiently scolded. <I don't want him to hurt you.> Or vice versa, hangs the unspoken implication. Barney huffs again, looking away.

"I won't," he says finally, when Gordon shakes his arm. "I promise."

<Thank you.>

"I oughta... should go find Alyx, Kleiner wants me to send her his way."

<I can find her. You should go get some food.> Barney nods, mouth dry. He's not going to be able to eat anyway, but at Gordon's urging, he peeks back into the mess hall. Ed's gone.

<We can talk about it later,> Gordon promises him, and Barney nods, pushing open the mess hall doors to enter again.

Gordon spends the better part of the morning looking for Alyx. Between her and Barney, sometimes it feels like a permanent fetch quest, trying to find one or the other.

Finally, she finds him, comes running across camp, slows to a walking pace beside him. "Heard you were looking for me," she says, and Gordon nods. He's in the middle of something now, though, so Alyx has to trail along behind him, chatting and waiting for him to finish checking things off his List. Gordon is not a fan of Lists, but Magnusson is, and Magnusson is apparently in charge of The One Free Man, somehow or other.

He doesn't like that man. But here he is, making perfect little checkmarks, wasting time that could be spent doing anything else.

"You glad to be out of the suit for a minute?" Alyx asks, and slugs him in the shoulder. "Pow! User death imminent." Gordon snorts. There was a time where Alyx knocked him in the shoulder, a casual, friendly motion, and the suit announced that he was injured--one time, and it was purely coincidental, but now it's a joke between them.

Alyx starts telling him about the refugees she's befriended, where she thinks they'll be useful. Gordon nods, checking off another row of nonsense that really doesn't need to be checked on, but he did it, so Magnusson can't say he didn't. "You wanna know something funny?" Alyx asks, and Gordon nods, half listening, squinting at the next items on the list. "There's this refugee group--I think they're family--they're like Barney clones! Same nose, same jawline, same funny accent." Gordon lifts his head, staring at her. "So I'm thinkin, we get Barney disarmed, and--"

<Alyx.> He tucks the clipboard under his arm to sign.

"--and then blindfold him, and he won't be able to tell--"

<Alyx. Stop.> She purses her lips, then nods, raising an eyebrow at him. <You need to drop it.>

"Oh. Uh, okay." Gordon's never not in the mood to joke around and prank Barney, so it's a bit jarring.

<Don't tease him about it. He's not in the right place for it. Don't even mention them to him.>

"Okay..." Alyx says, clearly lost.

<He needs support right now is all.>

"Okay," Alyx says again, and Gordon claps her on the shoulder and signs again.

<Major fracture detected.>

Alyx laughs, slugging him in the shoulder, hard enough that he's probably going to bruise. "Yeah right, twig arms."

<Kleiner wants to see you,> Gordon signs, after checking off the last thing on the clipboard.

"Really? I'll head right over, then. Want me to hand that over to Magnusson?"

<No, I'll do it myself.>

The two of them make their way to the silo, where Magnusson and Kleiner are arguing over numbers again. "What the hell took you so long?" Magnusson demands, when Gordon presents him with the clipboard. "You should have been back an hour ago!"

"Alyx, my dear," Kleiner cuts in, "I have a job for you and Gordon."

"Sure," Alyx says, as Gordon hangs back and Magnusson tears him a new one.

"Did you even actually check these? What were you doing this whole time, wandering around with your thumb up your ass?!"

"There's a camp north of here," Kleiner says, ignoring Magnusson. "We usually receive transmissions from them twice daily, but in the past few days, transmissions have dwindled to nothing."

"Right," Alyx says, "so you need us to go check it out."

"Well obviously!" Magnusson snaps, abandoning his harassment of Gordon for a moment to round on her. "Why else would he be telling you this? As a bedtime story?"

"Really, Doctor Magnusson, there's no need to be inflammatory. Let me just show you the--oh fie, where did I put that map?" Kleiner mumbles, as Lamarr hops on his head and makes herself comfy. Gordon comes closer, picking through the papers littering Kleiner's workspace to help find a map of the vicinity.

"Well then," Kleiner says, as Lamarr gnaws beaklessly at his bald head, "we'll be sending you two through the pass, along this path. If you follow the road west a ways, you should be able to get around any Combine roadblocks--we do need a certain degree of stealth, this close to the base, of course... and it would be terrible if either of you were to be caught up in any close range combat."

Gordon nods. The HEV suit isn't great for stealth, nor is his driving style, but he'll do his best.

"Once you reach this point," Kleiner says, circling some nondescript spot on the map, "it's a straight shot east to the camp, where you can check in and make sure their transmitter is working. As long as you two stick together, it should be fine."

They head out soon after, once Gordon's had a chance to check in with Barney and let him know where they're headed. Not that Kleiner wouldn't have passed along a message, but it's the principle of the thing. Gordon kisses his husband goodbye before climbing into the car. Alyx is riding shotgun, which is fine by him. Barney grimaces and tells her to hold on tight when he takes the driver's seat. So he's a bad driver. Who cares, it's the end of the world.

They shoot off down the road, and Alyx has to constantly remind him to ease off the turbo. They crash a few times in the first half hour of driving, which isn't bad for Gordon's record. Judging by the map Kleiner showed them, they should be home within a day or two, depending on how badly the north camp needs help.

Gordon worries about Barney all the way there.

A week is a long time to be without Gordon, Barney discovers. He knows it's a week because he can't stop counting the days. No matter what he does to keep himself busy, his thoughts drift back to his husband, out in the wilderness somewhere, probably exploding zombies and racking up "points" with Alyx. Hopefully they're both being safe.

He stays away from the refugees, who are slowly mingling with the rebels, one becoming indiscernible from the other. He'll just be glad when some of them have relocated to other camps and he can breathe again. Especially when the Calhouns are gone. It'll be better when things are just back to normal around here. Lauren's avoiding him, and that's fine. He doesn't care. Cade walks out of any room he enters, and again, that's alright by him.

He's still mad. No, not mad... hurt. He's hurting, and he knows he shouldn't be taking that hurt out on his niece, but damn... For Lauren to treat him like nothing his whole life because of his sexuality, and then accuse him of being the bigot...

Alright, yeah, he's mad.

His family... It feels insane, thinking about these people as family again. Blood. They did say it was thicker than water, but he knows that ain't true, not one iota. They're all difficult to be around, and Ed's the worst of them. He hasn't said a thing to Barney yet, acts like he doesn't notice his son is there taking charge, but Barney feels his eyes sometimes. Those dark, cold eyes. He has half a mind, some days, to storm over and confront his dad. Say "what the fuck do you want, Ed?" and start a fight. He knows it would be one-sided, unsatisfying. There's nothing good about the concept of beating up his dad now, as frail as he is.

And besides that, it's just... hard to think about doing anything to purposely hurt Ed. He's still Barney's dad. It sucks, but he loves the man.

Barney's resting, seated at the base of a big tree in camp, eyes closed and head tipped back. If he shuts out the sounds of the base, he can almost pretend he's somewhere else, there's no alien apocalypse or Combine overlords, no war. Maybe he's back in Texas. Better yet, maybe he's in Seattle, in Gordon's parents' backyard, and if he opens his eyes, his real family will be there waiting for him.

Someone sits down beside him, draws their legs to their chest. Barney blinks his eyes open and looks over at Lindsey, who sits in silence, staring off at nothing.

He expects her to say something, joking or otherwise, but she doesn't. Barney realizes that he hasn't seen hide nor hair of his little sister, not even since the second wave of refugees reached the base. He doesn't know what she's been through, either, but something's clearly changed in the 21 years since her wedding. He doesn't dare ask about Chuck. Doesn't dare ask if she had that big family she always wanted. He gets a feeling she never did.

They sit in silence until Lindsey's ready to talk. "Lauren's pretty pissed," she says, and Barney exhales a laugh, closing his eyes again.

"Tell me when she isn't."

Lindsey cracks a weak smile. Silence again, for a little bit. "I'm sorry," she says finally, "that you never felt... that you never got to be yourself with us."

"S'not your fault, Linds."

She nods, then rests her chin on her knees. "It's not Cade's fault though," Lindsey says, and Barney sighs, pinching his nose at the bridge.

"I know."

"Don't take it out on her."

"I know." He bites back the retort that wants to come out, that he wasn't, that he's just jealous and sad and hurt and wants to kill Ed. This isn't the time.

Lindsey nods. "Chuck died," she says after another short silence. "And our baby."

"I'm sorry."

Lindsey shrugs, and this time the silence is uncomfortable. Thick. "They tried to force him into Civil Protection."

"He resisted," Barney says quietly.

"Mhmm." Lindsey stands up, stretches, and looks down at him. "Your boyfriend, Gordon--"

Husband, Barney wants to correct her, but instead he nods.

"--doesn't look like he's aged a day."

"You don't know the half of it," Barney says, cracking a smile. Lindsey just nods, looking off towards the mess hall.

"Are you ever gonna forgive us, Barney?"

Barney's not sure how to answer that. Because yeah, it would be easier if he did, wouldn't it? Just forgave and forgot and pretended it didn't still burn in him, didn't wake him up from nightmares hurting.

"Never gonna forgive Ed," he says, rubbing his eyes. "That's for damn sure."

"Well, you're not alone there," she says, and starts back towards the mess hall.

The next day, Alyx is back, crusted in blood that she claims isn't hers, caked in dried mud. Gordon's getting the HEV suit off, and Barney wants to go to him straightaway, help him get back into his civvies and get him back to his room, lie him down.

Alyx has questions, though. And being Alyx, she's not exactly tactful about how she asks them.

"So what's up with your family," she says, sitting down beside Barney on the edge of one of the rooftops, legs dangling over the side. Barney sighs quietly, but doesn't answer. Alyx gives him a minute before she presses on. "Cade told me what happened--"

"Alyx, honey." Barney says, and she raises an eyebrow at him. Barney rubs his face with his gloved hand. "Look, there's... a good amount of shit that went down with me, and my family, and Gordon. And you gotta trust me when I say you don't wanna know."

"Okay," Alyx says. "But I do want to know."

"And that's fine, but I'm not--I don't feel up to talking about it, kiddo."

"Will Gordon tell me?" she asks, and Barney shakes his head slowly. No, he doesn't think Gordon would. "Well someone's gotta know--"

"Alyx, seriously, this isn't fucking--it's personal, alright? It's more personal than I wanna share with you. Just drop it," Barney snaps, and regrets it when she recoils, hurt. "Hey. I'm sorry, kid, but--"

"It's fine."

"No, I know that's not fair, I know that doesn't make you happy."

"If I know, then maybe I can help," Alyx says softly, and Barney sighs, shakes his head.

"You gotta drop it, kiddo. I'm not... ready." Nevermind that he's had twenty years to prepare. He's not ready.

They remove the suit from him, one panel at a time, spattered with so much red and yellow blood. The suit is cleaned and maintained while Gordon is free to wander around camp, waiting for the morphine withdrawals to kick in--ah, they shouldn't be too bad this time, it'll be fine--and looking for something to do.

He should go find Barney, and Alyx, but instead Gordon finds himself in the kitchen. He helps out for a bit, until the Vortigaunt chef kicks him out, chasing him with a wooden spoon. Alright, so he's not the most dexterous person in the world, fine. Don't come crawling back to Gordon begging him to peel potatoes. Because that's a totally plausible thing that could happen, someone could need him to really mangle a potato, peel it away to nothing and nearly slice his finger off in the process.

It could.

It's early in the afternoon when the withdrawals start creeping up on him. The shakes, the chills, the nausea. Gordon feels himself slowing and figures he has about five minutes to get to his room and become horizontal before he loses his breakfast.

Five minutes turns out to be three, and he leans against the hallway wall, gasping, trying not to slip. Okay, so the morphine withdrawals are just as bad this time around. Maybe he should talk to Kleiner about adjusting it to make the suit less drug-pushy. He staggers on, sweating and shaking, gritting his teeth.

Or maybe he should just wear the HEV suit full time, never take it off. That's an option, probably.

A pair of dirty shoes come into view, not his own. Hands sign to him-- <You, ok?> and Gordon kind of shrugs, heaves with the effort, and allows himself to sag to the floor. He doesn't recognize the rebel once he sees his face, but there's something so familiar in his features--

Ah, he gets it. Lauren's son. Barney's nephew.

<Just need to lay down,> he signs, hands shaking bad. Barney's nephew--he doesn't remember his name, sorry kid--crouches beside him, making no effort to help him up. Which is fine. The cold floor feels good on Gordon's face.

He lays there until he feels well enough to stand and try walking again. <What's your name,> Gordon asks shakily, and then feels extremely stupid when the kid (who he shouldn't think of as a kid, he's gotta be Gordon's age) signs "coal" to him, like the rock. It doesn't click in his brain, not until later. Instead he just kind of mirrors the sign, lost, and then introduces himself. This is good. This works, it's distracting him from the chills.

<Where did you learn to sign,> Gordon asks, and Coal shrugs.

<Books.> That gets a smile out of Gordon. He remembers Barney, back at Black Mesa, excitedly checking out ASL books and guides and dictionaries, hiding them from him, memorizing them behind his back.

That was twenty years ago, though. For Barney at least.

<I remember you, wedding,> Coal signs, and Gordon blinks, trying to recall. If he's Lauren's boy--then yeah, he would have been there, huh? He tries to remember which one was which--is this the quiet younger sibling, or the rambunctious older? It's surprising that Coal would remember him at all.

<My uncle, I remember wedding, grandfather, sorry.> Coal signs, and Gordon appreciates whatever sentiment he's expressing, but he's not really in his head enough to process the pidgin signs. He just nods.

A rebel comes along as they're continuing down the hallway, to inform Gordon that Doctor Vance is looking for him, if he's not busy. Gordon nods and thanks her. He feels well enough to drag himself there, at least.

Coal trails along behind him as he heads for Eli's lab, and he's not sure why, but he welcomes the company. At the very least, if he blacks out and bashes his head open, someone will be there to notice. Thankfully that doesn't happen; Gordon makes it to the lab in one piece, whereupon Eli promptly tells him to sit down, that he doesn't look good at all, and sends Coal off to find something to work on.

<Morphine,> Gordon signs, by way of explanation.

"Well if you didn't get shot so much, you wouldn't need the suit to give you morphine," Alyx says. Gordon hadn't even realized she was there. She looks grimier than ever, coated in dirt and soot and other creatures' blood.

<Bath day,> Gordon signs. Alyx scowls and slugs him playfully in the shoulder blade. Eli gives her an exasperated look.

"Please stop bullying the savior of humanity," he says, and Alyx grins and punches Gordon again, just a tap.

<Morphine,> Gordon signs again, and Eli cracks a smile and laughs a little.

Magnusson walks in not twenty seconds later to start yelling his head off at Gordon about the car, the mission, the color of the sky. All of it's his fault. Gordon feels too much like shit to pay much attention to what Magnusson's actually saying, just nods dumbly, feeling sick again.

"And don't just give me that vacant look!" Magnusson snaps, "If you're going to fuck up at least have the good graces to apologize for it!"

<Sorry,> Gordon signs, unsure which part he's apologizing for.

"I don't want to hear apologies or excuses, just don't let it happen again!"

Alyx scowls at him as he stalks back out of Eli's lab, seating herself on the arm of the couch to Gordon's right. "You don't have to listen to him, Gordon," she says, patting his shoulder.

<Throw up,> Gordon signs weakly, and Alyx quickly hops up to grab him a bucket.

"Good heavens," Kleiner says, letting himself into Eli's lab. "He doesn't look good at all." Gordon lifts his head up from the bucket, wedged between his knees, and nods carefully.

"Izzy, I think you've gotta make the suit less eager to give him morphine," Eli says, and Kleiner hmmms to himself, considering.

"It would be technically doable, but I'm afraid it would leave Gordon useless at the first sign of injury," Kleiner sighs. "No offense of course, Gordon, but we all know how you handle pain."

Gordon nods again, grimaces, and ducks his head back into the bucket. Alyx rubs his back between his shoulder blades.

"Well we can't have the savior of humanity incapacitated every time he takes the HEV suit off, either," Eli murmurs, and both doctors are momentarily lost in thought, trying to come up with a solution. Gordon groans and spits, trying to get rid of the taste of bile.

"Is he in here?" Barney asks, letting himself into the lab. "Oh, thank God, Gordon!" The couch sags to his left as Barney kneels a knee against the cushion, rubbing his shoulder. "You alright baby?"

Gordon gives a shaky thumbs up. Nope!

"You wanna go get a shower, get cleaned up?" Barney asks, and Gordon lifts his head slowly, shaking as he sets the bucket down. "I'll wash your back for you, darlin."

"Yes, yes, you go do that, Eli and I will figure out this suit problem," Kleiner says, already scribbling furiously at a notepad. "Alyx, my dear, hand me that binder, will you?"

Gordon allows himself to be led through the halls with an arm around his middle and a hand on his hip to steady him. "You alright, Gordo?" Barney asks again, and he groans, signs a <no.> "They gotta keep you out of that damn suit," Barney sighs.

If only. If only they had other options.

Barney gets him to the showers, where Gordon allows his husband to undress him and guide him into a stall. He all but sinks to the floor, shivering, teeth grit, as Barney turns the water on and turns away to get his uniform off.

True to his word, Barney joins him in the shower. He soaps up Gordon's hair, scrubbing it for him, then moves on to wash his back. Gordon sighs, turning to lean into Barney and wrap his arms around his neck.

"I love you, Gordon," Barney tells him, pressing a kiss to his temple. Gordon nods, bumps their hands together in a shaky sign.

It's a full day of bedrest for Gordon before Barney lets him up on his feet again. Barney spends the night holding him, petting his hair and shushing him as he groans and cries, and the next day bringing him food and water. By afternoon, Gordon insists he's doing okay, and that Barney doesn't have to keep fussing over him. But he wants to.

Hell, Gordon's feeling up to going to the mess hall himself for dinner, and afterwards, Alyx convinces the both of them to come drink with her. Is it the best idea for either of them? No, course not.

"Am I transphobic," Barney asks late that night, head resting on Alyx's leg. He's got a beer in one hand, mostly empty, just the dregs at the bottom of the bottle, and an unlit cigarette in the other. Gordon shakes his head, signing quickly to assure him, but Alyx is faster.

"Yeah," she says. "Duh."

<Alyx.>

"You're both transphobic," she says with a sniff. "You never share your morphine."

"That's--" Barney laughs, covering his face, and shakes his beer some more. "God, don't joke, Alyx."

Gordon's smiling. He comes closer, taking Barney's empty beer from him, swapping it for his mostly full bottle. <Don't worry,> he signs. His hands flutter, like he has more to say, but instead Gordon just sits beside Barney, looking up towards the night sky.

"Cade says she's upset," Alyx says after a bit. She takes a drag off her beer rather than elaborating.

"...and what'd you say," Barney asks.

"Said you've always been a hateful bastard." She cackles when Barney slugs her in the leg.

"Goddamn, I'm gonna have to disown you," Barney grumbles, sitting up.

<Not funny,> Gordon signs. Alyx nods and pats Barney's shoulder apologetically.

"No, I... I told her it's not like that." She shrugs.

"You didn't tell her about Gordon..."

"No, of course not."

"Okay," Barney says, and drinks his beer in silence.

"Just said that you're good to me, so..." Alyx trails off, looking away.

"Huh? What was that?" Barney asks, jabbing her in the shoulder. "You said somethin there kiddo?"

"Nope, I told her you're a bastard." They both laugh, and Alyx lays back, looking up at the stars with Gordon.

Barney finishes his beer and Gordon shakes his head when he reaches for another. He sighs. "I've got a lot of regrets," he announces. "Probably don't wanna go to my grave regretting this too."

"Quit acting like you're old, you fart," Alyx says, then imitates his grumbling. "Oooh, my hip, my knee, my back, ohh, don't get old like me..."

"Hey. You'll see someday."

"You should apologize though," Alyx says, flipping back to serious in an instant. "Before she starts thinking I'm a liar about the whole "cool uncle Barney" thing."

"You called me cool?"

"Nah."

Barney closes his eyes with a sigh. He's buzzed, enough that it's making him tired, and warm, and fuzzy around the edges. Gordon grabs him when he sits up to grab another beer again, holding his hand still.

"I'll talk to her in the morning," Barney says, squeezing Gordon's hand. Alyx kicks him lightly.

"Better not fuck it up this time."

"Sweetheart," Barney says, craning his neck to look at her. "You're looking at the king of fucking things up."

The more he thinks about it though, laying in bed that night... The more he lies there, holding Gordon, thinking about his family, the more unsure he is about the whole thing.

Cade's gotta be missing something, he thinks, as the night grows thin and the hours stretch on towards nothing. She doesn't know the whole story. And who woulda told it to her? Not her parents. Not her granddad, for damn sure. Barney sighs, pressing his face into Gordon's neck. Maybe it's his own fault, for not being around to tell her himself.

He has a lot of regrets, like he said.

It's twisted, and it's fucked up, but some small, quiet part of him wishes it coulda been someone else coming through intake. Not the Calhouns. If he had to pick two, the Freemans. He misses Rob and Diane, and knows Gordon misses them too. He used to think about them often, wondering how they were doing, how far they got... How they must have died.

It's hurtful to think about, so he puts the memories of Gordon's parents away in his heart.

He misses James, too. Good man. Good friend. Big ol' brick shithouse like that, had to have been voluntold for CP work at some point... and Barney tries not to think about what that would have meant for James, tries not to think about the thousands of civil protection that he's killed in the past twenty years. Just pretend he's out there somewhere, alive. It's easier. Pretend, for a minute, that the three of them are at White Forest, and they're here for him again. It would feel like a family should. Safe.

It's such a nasty thing to think, though. That he'd rather have the Freemans and James (and even Ildarova, if he's bringing people back from the dead) than his blood relatives. If the Calhouns weren't here, they'd all be dead, and that twists something sharp inside him, to imagine himself as the last of them. He doesn't want that, their blood on his hands, but...

Gordon rolls over and grabs onto him, grumbling half asleep, and Barney sighs. He needs to shut off his brain and get to sleep.

He wishes he could just like the family he has. Wouldn't that make shit easier.

Barney's up early, and Gordon stirs as he's getting dressed, sitting up and watching him sleepily. "Hi baby." Barney says, and Gordon yawns, waves him closer to hold onto him a bit longer. "I gotta get up, Gordon," Barney insists. "C'mon, darlin, we can go get breakfast."

He gets Gordon up eventually, hands him clothes and boots, and the two of them head out for the mess hall. It's quiet this time of morning. The halls are mostly empty, and the mess hall is still and silent, other than a few vorts communing with one another. Gordon lays his head on a table while Barney gets them both breakfast.

They're halfway through their meal when Alyx walks in, leading Cade. The former is saying something about the HEV suit, and the latter seems to just barely be following along, half asleep. Alyx leads her to Barney's table, and grabs onto her arm with a vice grip. "You gentlemen mind if we have a seat?" she asks, and pushes Cade down onto one of the benches. "Gordon, how good to see you! Let's leave."

"Alyx," Cade hisses, as she and Gordon hop up and walk away, leaving her with her uncle.

It's awkward. It sucks. Barney gets that. "Hey," he says carefully, and Cade sighs, scowls, and picks at her food.

"I'm sorry for the other day, Cade," he starts. She glances up at him.

"Go on."

Barney sighs and puts his face in his hands, then straightens back up. "Look, I... I know how what I said came off. It was--that was on me, I messed up there." Cade crosses her arms over her chest, waiting. She's got Lauren's no-nonsense face down.

"I was hurting, and I turned that on you, and I shouldn't have done that."

"Was it that painful for you, to find out your nephew is a girl?"

"That's not it," Barney groans, rubs his face again. "Look, godammit, I don't know when--when they all became accepting, but it was long after I left the family."

"I know all about that," Cade says.

"No, I don't think you do, kid."

"Don't call me kid." Electricity crackles between them as they stare each other down. Barney relents first. He's always been a coward, when it comes to his family.

"You don't know," Barney says quietly, covering his face again. "What your grandpa, and your--your mom, and your dad, your grandma..."

"Nice apology," Cade says, starting to stand. "I liked the part where you didn't apologize." Alyx hovers near the door to the mess hall, stepping nervously from foot to foot. Cade glances back at her, and Alyx gestures to Barney, makes a pleading motion with her hands. Please, please just talk to him, just a smidge more. The motion isn't lost on Barney, either.

"So tell me," Cade says, slowly sitting back down. "If I don't know anything, go ahead, tell me. What'd my family do to you that was soooo bad."

Barney makes eye contact again and feels that crackle, that cold, sharp feeling run down his spine again. "Your dad ever tell you how he got that scar on his leg?"

Cade purses her lips. "Hunting accident," she says. "Some moron shot him."

Barney laughs, hollow. "Yeah. Alright. Your dad the hunter, huh?"

"You gonna tell me your story or what?"

Barney thinks on it for a long moment, like he's not sure where to start. Finally he makes eye contact again, leaning back, arms crossed defensively, like she's going to hurt him.

"Gordon shot your dad," he says. "When he and Ed tried to kill me."

"Bad way to start a story," Cade says, clicking her tongue. "I've got no beef with Freeman, though." She eyes him up and down, then continues. "Can't see Ed trying to kill anyone, either."

"Yeah, then you don't know him," Barney laughs.

"You gonna talk?" Cade asks. "I've got better things to be doing."

Barney sighs and dives in.

"I came out when I was twelve," he tells her. Cade nods, looking disinterested. It's like talking to a goddamn brick wall, but the brick wall has the personality of a block of ice--nevermind, Barney decides, and continues with his life story. "Just told your grandma back then, but lord knows she wasn't one to keep quiet. Not on something like that, at least."

"So grandma outed you. Tragic," Cade says.

"She told Ed, and he beat me unconscious," Barney continues. Cade narrows her eyes. "I didn't expect anything from your mom, or Lin--your aunt, cause I knew they were young too, and they were scared too, but that--damn, that wasn't even the first time."

Cade is silent, just watching his face for lies. "Guess it was really when I was six," he says, and it's a struggle to make himself think about his childhood, like it's wrapped in gauze. Or antlion webbing. "Caught me with Lauren's Barbie dolls," he recalls. "Just playing. Took me out back and whooped me with his belt."

Cade's gaze is level, steady. Like she's still waiting for him to say something. Barney swallows. "When I was sixteen--"

"The play by play is nice and all, but--"

"He dumped me on the highway, told me not to come home."

"I get that Ed isn't always the nicest person," Cade says. "Seriously. I do."

"You're not getting it," Barney croaks, and she talks over him.

"But he's always been respectful of me, and supportive."

Something snaps in Barney, and he grits his teeth. "Really."

"Yeah."

"I brought Gordon to your aunt's wedding," he says, jabbing the table with his gloved finger. God, he wishes Gordon was sitting with him right now, holding his hand and staring incredulously. Maybe Gordon could tell the story right, he thinks, closing his eyes and clasping his hands. "Look, ki--Cade, what Ed and your dad did... what Dan threatened me with, it wasn't just nothing."

"I'm not saying it was nothing," Cade says. "Just that it's not been my experience."

"Well then I don't know when they changed," Barney says, tears pricking at his eyes. "I really don't. Cause the last time I saw them, at my wedding, they tried to kill us both. Tried to put me down, get rid of the smear on the family's name. An' that's not your fault," he clarifies, but his voice is thick with emotion. He lowers his head, trying and failing not to cry. "None of it's your doing, I'm not trying to... blame you for them loving you and not me, but--"

"And you don't think it had anything to do with what you did," Cade says.

"What?"

"You don't think maybe my dad, maybe Ed and him were rightfully angry?"

"B-buh-because I was gay?!" Barney sputters, and Cade shakes her head, leaning in.

"Because of Coal," Cade says, and her eyes are dark and fiery and scary. Barney chokes.

"What?"

"They told me about the accident," she says. "Ed told me, you were driving. Drunk. Dad had the same story; you were shitfaced, and driving around with my brother in the front seat, and you crashed. You weren't even hurt." She pauses, huffs. "Funny, how your story paints you as the victim."

Barney feels sick, unbelievably so; he's not even sure he knows exactly what she's talking about, exactly what she's been told, but he gets it well enough to feel like he's going to puke. Lauren's other kid, the boy--he doesn't remember hearing about an accident, but it's possible she just never said shit to him. It's possible it was after the Black Mesa incident, too.

"They told you I was driving. In some accident," he asks, and Cade nods. "And your mom," he gasps finally, trying to recover. "What story did she tell you?"

Cade purses her lips and looks away. Barney's hands curl into fists, rub angrily at his face. "What'd Lauren tell you, Cade?"

Cade shrugs.

"So your dad, Dan, the homophobe Civil Protection cop, you're gonna listen to him... And Ed. Lie about me. When your mom won't even confirm it."

Cade's staring over his shoulder, at the far wall. Thinking.

"You know it's bullshit," Barney spits, sniffling, wiping his face.

"I don't know that," Cade says.

"Why would you believe them over me?!"

"I don't even know you!" she snaps. "Where were you, huh? My whole life. I don't even remember ever meeting you!"

"That wasn't my choice," Barney sobs, lowering his head. But maybe it was. He could have stood up for himself better, says the voice in the back of his mind. Could have gone home at least a couple more times, before everything. Could have looked for them at the stations, could have tried to find them, be there. Maybe it is your fault, Barney Calhoun.

"I met Coal... three times," he says, sniffling. "Before you were born, and then when you were a baby, then at my wedding--never even got to hold either of you." Cade's face is unreadable. "I know your mom woulda let me hold you kids, if she could, but Dan, he would've lost it. Always goin on about how I was gonna make everyone sick. Like I was diseased."

Cade lowers her eyes and Barney covers his face, crying into his glove. "Goddamn. What a nice... damnit."

"Maybe they weren't always good to you," Cade relents, "I can buy that. But Ed wouldn't lie to me. If he says you're the reason Coal's like that, then I believe him." Barney flinches at the gaze she levels him with. Firm, resolute. She's made up her mind.

"You don't know a damn thing, kid," he says, and stands. Alyx meets him halfway to the door and walks with him, rubbing his hand, since Gordon's nowhere to be found.

"Barney," Alyx says, once she's led him to his room so he can be somewhere quiet, private. He shakes his head, and she tries again. "I guess that didn't work out like I thought--"

Barney sobs and laughs and shakes his head, falling down onto his mattress. "Listen," Alyx says, standing awkwardly in front of him, "I don't know what went down, with you and your family--"

"Nothin good," Barney chokes. "Nothin--and Ed's been fillin Lauren's kids' heads with lies about me, tellin 'em all sorts of--bullshit--God, Alyx, I can't do this."

Alyx sits down next to him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders in a hug. "It's okay, Barney."

"No, s'not."

"You wanna tell me about any of it?"

"No."

Alyx bites her lip, watching him. She's never seen him so hurt; hell, come to think of it, she's never seen him openly cry before, but now here he is, tears streaming down his face. She has the urge to go find Cade and give her a piece of her mind, but this seems more important.

So she hugs Barney, and lets him cry into the sleeve of her jacket for a while, until he lifts his head and shakes it. "I think... I gotta be alone for a bit," he mumbles.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I... I just wanna be by myself."

"Okay," Alyx says, unsure. "I'm gonna go find Gordon, so..."

"Yeah. I'll just be here."

She leaves Barney's room, shutting the door behind her. Alyx hustles through the complex, checking every sector, every room, every closet she can think of for Gordon. He's nowhere to be found. Then, half an hour later, as she's heading back into the building from checking outside, she bumps into him at last.

<Hey, how did it go?>

"Where were you?" Alyx asks, and Gordon blinks, looking around, unsure.

<I got called to help with the project... What's wrong?>

"Barney's really hurt," Alyx says, and Gordon frowns. "I didn't hear everything, but Cade said something about a car wreck, and he got all upset and started crying..." Gordon's face darkens, and he nods. "Are you guys ever going to tell me what happened?" she asks. Gordon bites his lip, considering, then shakes his head. "Why!"

<It's not my story to tell you,> Gordon signs finally. Alyx huffs.

"I don't see how I'm supposed to help when I don't even know what's wrong," Alyx grumbles, and Gordon smiles sympathetically, patting her shoulder.

They start down the hall, heading for the makeshift dormitories. Rounding a corner, Gordon freezes and tries to backtrack, but Lauren's already seen him.

"Gordon!"

He grimaces, and hesitantly raises a hand in greeting. Ed is with her, watching him disdainfully.

"Did Barney apologize," Lauren asks, and Gordon's face twitches into a scowl. Alyx mirrors his expression, translating for him.

"Why don't you ask Cade?" she snaps. Gordon pats her shoulder, breathing deeply to try to calm himself.

Lauren looks like she might lash out, but restrains herself. "I just want to know if he did the right thing," she says, and Gordon's nostrils flare with anger as he signs again.

<Your daughter accused him of some pretty heavy stuff.>

"Cade accused him of crashing a car," Alyx says, taking some artistic liberties in her interpretation. "It's bullshit."

"It's all true," Ed snaps at her, speaking up for the first time. "That lousy drunk piece of shit has you, and you wrapped around his little finger with his nasty little lies." Lauren glances back at him, then back to Gordon--who looks downright murderous, staring at Ed with fire in his eyes. "Shoulda killed that little bastard when I had the chance," Ed finishes, and starts to wheel himself away.

"If you see Barney before I do, tell him to come talk to me," Lauren says finally, and follows her father down the hall. Gordon's hands shake, balled into tight fists. Alyx puts a hand carefully on his arm.

What the hell is she missing here?

Gordon signs that he's going to go take care of Barney, and with little else to do, Alyx goes hunting for Cade.

"Hey!" Cade hears Alyx call for her, from down the hallway. She slows, then stops walking, letting Alyx catch up. Cade's got nothing against her. She likes her, even. Alyx just keeps kind of crappy company.

"What's up?" she asks, as Alyx comes closer. She looks mad.

"Wanna explain whatever you said to Barney?"

Cade raises an eyebrow, then lowers it carefully. "Alyx, you're nice and all, but it's kind of family stuff."

"And he's my family," Alyx insists. Cade tries not to roll her eyes at that, just kind of chuffs in amusement.

"Alright. You wanna talk about it, come on." She turns again, and Alyx follows her down the hall, outside, into the cold October air.

"What did you say to him?" Alyx asks, when they're a ways out. Cade sighs, turning to face her.

"Just the truth. What he knows to be true." Alyx gestures for her to go on, frowning. "Look, I wasn't there for it, but I know what happened, and so does he. He got shitfaced, he took the car with Coal in it, and he ended up totalling it. He walked away fine. Coal's been... different, ever since then."

Alyx furrows her brow. "I know you and him are close, but his family knows him better than anyone," Cade says, looking off towards the treeline.

"I'm his family. And he would never do that."

"Then you don't know him," Cade says, eyes on a zombie emerging from the woods. One of the sentires takes it out in one shot, and it groans, spasms, collapses.

"He's been my uncle for twenty years, I think I know him. Probably just as well as you do. Maybe even better."

Cade shrugs. "It's his word against my parents', and Ed's," she says, watching out of the corner of her eye as Alyx's face further sours. "I trust them. And I don't trust him."

"But you weren't there for it," Alyx presses.

"No. But I know it's true."

A long moment passes in silence. "I know he wouldn't do that," Alyx says finally, quietly. "I'm sorry that you think that about him, but... it's not true."

Cade sighs, closing her eyes, and relents slightly. "Look, the fact of the matter is, I wasn't there. I don't have a definitive answer--"

"But Coal does," Alyx says.

"Coal wouldn't remember that."

"How do you know?" Alyx asks, and Cade blinks at her. "Have you ever asked him?"

"Uh." No, never. She's never even considered doing so.

"Maybe you should," Alyx suggests. "You're missing out on a good uncle."

It takes her about an hour to work up the nerve to go talk to Coal. Not because she's afraid, or even worried he'll be contrary to what she knows--she just doesn't want to hurt him, dragging up memories.

"You got a minute?" she asks, approaching the table where he's sitting. Coal lifts his head, levels her with his dark eyes. "I need to talk to you about Barney."

He raises an eyebrow quizzically as Cade sits down. "Our uncle," she clarifies, and he nods.

<What about?>

"Do you... remember much about your accident?" Cade asks, and Coal bristles a bit, relaxes, shrugs.

<Not everything.>

"Okay, well... I need to know if you remember who was driving, because I wasn't there, and everyone's always told me it was Barney."

Coal shakes his head. "What?" Cade asks. "Who then?"

He licks his lips, clears his throat to speak, fumbles a bit with the words. "You kn...know, th--Dad lies," he says, and Cade glances away for a moment.

"I know that, yeah."

"Dad lies. Always."

"I know! But Ed--" She stops speaking, because Coal's just shaking his head slowly.

"Full of bullshit."

Cade looks away again. She knows Coal and Ed don't have the best relationship, knows Ed's whooped him a few times, but to lie about this... That's not possible.

"I just don't see why they'd make that up," she says, and Coal clears his throat, stammers a bit more, and then resorts to signing.

<You think you know, I don't? Liars. G U L L I B L E,> he finger spells, and jabs her in the arm.

"Okay, well," Cade huffs, "what about mom?"

<What about mom?>

"She's always told me it was Barney. She doesn't lie."

<G U L L I B L E,> Coal finger spells again.

"You know she doesn't," Cade presses.

<Mom wasn't there.> Coal signs, then speaks again. "I know he wasn't driving. He w-wasn't even there."

"Why lie about it then?" Cade asks, as her brother starts to stand. He shrugs, and his hands move again.

<Easier than truth.>

"For who?" Cade sputters, as he leaves her there. She groans, tipping her head back to look at the ceiling. So who is this supposed to come down to? Lauren? Greeeeat.

That means going and finding her and confronting her, and the thought of that, the anticipation of a storm has the hair on Cade's forearms standing up, some unseen static force crackling around her. The calm before a fight is always worse than the aftermath, she reminds herself.

"Lauren," she says coolly, when she locates her mom and falls into step beside her. She knows that freaks her mom out, knows she has to swallow a yelp, but doesn't care.

"Cade."

"I just spoke to Coal," Cade presses on. A pause. "Anything you'd like to tell me?"

Lauren sighs and stops, so Cade stops beside her. When Lauren says nothing, Cade continues. "Did Dad and Ed lie to me?" she asks. Direct, up front. Lauren seems to consider her options for a moment.

"Maybe," she says.

"And you let me believe it was true," Cade surmises.

"That could have happened," Lauren says, and resumes walking. Cade falls into step beside her.

"Do you know what I accused Barney of?" Cade asks, and Lauren shrugs. "Coal says he wasn't even there that day--"

"Drop it," Lauren snaps, then sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose. "Look, it was complicated back then. It's still..."

"Why did they lie to me," Cade presses. Lauren looks away. "Why did you lie to me?"

When Lauren speaks again, it's carefully. "I think," she says, "that your dad, and Ed... thought it would be easier... for the family. If Barney couldn't be... a martyr."

Cade slaps her, shocked at herself for doing so. Lauren strikes her right back, not missing a beat. "Sorry," she says, as Cade clutches her stinging cheek. "Reflex."

"I don't even know what I'm supposed to know anymore," Cade says. "I mean, from the sounds of it, you all treated Barney like shit over nothing, then burned off his branch of the family tree."

"It was necessary," Lauren says. "You were a kid, you wouldn't get it--"

"I'm an adult now," Cade snaps at her, and she doesn't miss the way Lauren's hand jolts, like she wants to slap her a second time.

"Things were different back then," Lauren says. "We all did what we needed to."

"At what cost, exactly?" Cade asks, and Lauren shrugs. "Fuck, mom."

"You probably oughta apologize to him," Lauren says, and Cade huffs, turns to storm away. She will. She's going to! Just as soon as she finishes swallowing her pride.

Barney allows himself to be dragged to the mess hall by Alyx, but not into it. He just stands, heels dug in, as she pulls on his arm.

"C'mon, Barney, you look like hell," Alyx says. "You need to eat."

Barney sighs, fighting his headache. It hasn't gone away in days--well, he hasn't slept in days, either. Not for any substantial amount of time, at least. Makes sense that his head would hurt, doesn't it?

It's been a few stressful, strained days. Gordon, blessed Gordon, he's been bringing Barney meals, and Alyx checks in a lot too, but it's been tense.

He's been accused of some real shit before. Theft, arson, murder. Stealing library books. But "child endangerment" takes the cake. He rolls his shoulders, trying to hype himself up to go inside and get some food. Even if he can't eat it, even if he's just gonna walk back out.

"Let's go," Alyx says, "they're serving headcrab lasagna tonight."

"You know how I feel about that," Barney says, suddenly nauseous, once again unsure about entering.

"It's good!" Alyx protests. Barney sighs, allowing himself to be led in.

It feels better to be around people, Barney decides, once Alyx sits him down at a table with a few rebels. Better than holing up in his room and staring at the wall all day, every day.

"You hear what Freeman said?" Mike asks, elbowing him. Barney shakes his head. "Sounded like he's gonna let us have karaoke night again."

"No shit?" Barney asks, surprised by his own excitement. "Bet Magnusson hates that."

"Yeah, well, maybe what he doesn't know won't hurt him." Barney laughs and takes a bite of headcrab lasagna, which is nothing, it's just headcrab and sauce, but it's not as bad as he remembers it being. Gross, but edible. He's eaten worse slop, both pre and post rescas.

Rebels come and go while Barney eats, slowly. Most of them seem to be under the impression that he was sick for a few days; some of them catch him up on goings-on around the base, around the nearby camps. More than half of them mention some variation of karaoke or open mic night returning.

He's finishing his meal, contemplating what song he'll drunk-sing at the first karaoke night, when Cade sits down across from him. Barney sighs, lifting his head.

"Hey," Cade offers. A pause. "You've got some shit on your face."

Barney swipes at his face, wiping off some lasagna sauce. "I'm sorry," Cade says. "I didn't have the facts. Any of them."

Barney sighs and hangs his head. "I know you didn't do anything," Cade continues. "I'm sorry."

"S'fine," Barney says, wiping his face once more. He's tired again, suddenly.

"It's not," Cade says firmly. He struggles, but forces himself to meet her gaze. Strong and dark, like Ed's eyes, but without the hatred. "I shouldn't have trusted my mom."

"Yeah, well, rule number one," Barney says, and they finish the thought at the same time-- "don't trust Lauren." Barney blinks at her, then busts up laughing, smacking his knee on the underside of the table.

"Ow, damn!"

"Lindsey always used to say that," Cade laughs as Barney chuckles and drinks down some water, trying not to choke.

"Yeah, she learned it from me," Barney says, once he sets his water down. "Any time I did anything your mom would go running to tell Ed." He smiles, as if it's a fond memory, but it's not. "Hoo... I tried askin a boy to a dance--real dumb of me, but he wasn't about to tell no one. Then I got home and dad whooped me black and blue, yellin the whole time. Found out Lauren ran home right after school and told him." Cade listens, silent. "Sorry. Not tryin to shit talk your mom in front of you," Barney sighs, leaning forward onto his elbows.

"I know she's not a good person," Cade says.

"Yeah, but she's your ma."

Cade picks at the sleeve of her shirt, and Barney fiddles with his glove. They're awkward in the same ways, Barney's starting to realize, hot-headed and awkward and hungry for justice.

"I woulda been there if I could," Barney says. "I... I probably coulda been there a lot more, though."

"It's..." Cade stops short of saying fine. "You're here now," she finishes. "And that's... I'm glad."

Barney nods, taking a long drink of water. "I'm gonna talk to Ed," Cade says next, and Barney chokes, sputtering. Fear comes over him, and he feels like he's 12 again, being beaten, wondering if he's gonna make it through the night. 16 again, begging his dad not to kill him on the highway. 21 again, in the desert with Gordon, half dead on his knees, screaming fuck you, fuck you, fuck you at Ed, over and over.

"No," Barney says, shakily. He clears his throat. "That ain't gonna--it wouldn't be good for you, or me."

"He should apologize--"

"Drop it," Barney says. "I know you barely know me, but trust me. Drop it."

Cade nods slowly. "Okay?" Barney asks, and she nods again. "Okay, cool."

He finishes dinner at a snail's pace, long after Cade has made herself sparse again. Alyx returns once the other girl has left, and Gordon joins them soon after.

<Bath day?> Gordon suggests, and Barney shrugs.

"No, seriously," Alyx says firmly, "bath day."

"Alright, I can take a hint." The three of them finish up and head for the showers. There are a few other rebels already there, but Gordon's the only one of them that still gets shy about that. Alyx strips right down and steals Barney's razor, which means she's armed and he's not. Not that Barney expects any hand-to-and combat in the showers, but...

"Goddamn, kiddo, you coulda told me I looked this bad," Barney complains, examining his dark, stubbly face in the mirror. When's the last time he shaved? He forgets sometimes, sure, but it's harder to remember when he's stressed, so probably...

"I thought I did," Alyx says from behind him. A pause. "Hey, did you know you look awful?"

"You had me walkin around like this," Barney grumbles. "In front of people."

"Barney, most of those people have seen you with your head bashed open, I don't think they were very concerned. Ow."

"Gimme my razor," Barney says, holding a hand out behind himself.

"Hang on, I nicked my leg." Silence, for a long minute, and Barney turns to see Gordon's signing to her, and she's holding in laughter.

"Talkin behind my back, huh?" Barney asks, turning back to the mirror. "Real nice. Brats." Gordon stands and comes up beside him, kisses his cheek, and hands him a razor--not his razor, he notes, which Alyx is apparently still fooling around with, but it'll work.

"You know that weird kid?" Alyx asks, hissing when she nicks her leg again. "Ooh, that's a bad one."

"You're the only weird kid I know," Barney informs her.

"Avram. Was that his name? He didn't get communal bathing."

"Yeah, well, I doubt they all showered together back in City 11," Barney says, cleaning up his jaw carefully. This'll help him feel better, he's promising himself. It's one of those things Gordon taught him; if you feel like shit, take a bath, brush your teeth, clean up a bit. You'll feel right as rain.

When he's satisfied, he flicks the razor off and turns, startling at the sight of Alyx. "Jesus Christ, kid, you're bleeding out!"

"Don't be a baby," Alyx huffs, wiping off the razor cut on her ankle. "Doesn't even hurt."

"Give me that before you hurt someone for real," Barney says, and Alyx reluctantly hands it over. "God damn. Where'd you pick up shaving from?"

Alyx shrugs, heading for the shower stall to the right of Gordon's. Barney sighs, kicking at the wet floor, and picks the stall on Gordon's other side.

"Barney," Alyx calls, and he sighs, tipping his head back under the spray of warm water. Gordon's advice still holds true; he does feel better. Fresher. He opens his eyes to find Alyx pulling back the curtain.

"Alyx! Privacy!"

"Soap," Alyx says, and he tosses it at her, shaking his head.

"You're gonna get your own, one of these days!"

"Don't count on it," Alyx calls back, and he hears the curtain to her stall pull shut again. If he listens closely, he can also hear Gordon chuckling to himself.

"I'm gonna die," Barney announces over the noise of the water heater. "My heart's gonna give out one of these days, and it'll be on you." Alyx just hums softly, tuning him out, and Barney sighs. "Gordo, can I borrow your soap?"

To his credit, Gordon doesn't chuck it over the divider between their stalls, but instead sticks his hand out of the curtain to hand it off to Barney. At least there's Gordon, he thinks. He'll always have Gordon.

He stays in the shower longer than either of them, letting the heat and soap rinse away all his stress from the past few weeks. He feels better. Lighter. Much cleaner, overall, by the time he turns the water off and grabs his towel, stepping out with it wrapped around his waist.

Right away he can tell something's up, because Gordon and Alyx are waiting for him. "What," he asks, apprehensive.

"Don't be mad," Alyx starts. "I got these clothes from someone at the camp out west--and your uniform really, really stinks of BO, so..."

Gordon shakes his head, defending Barney with <he doesn't have BO,> but Barney's in a better mood and laughs, taking the clothes Alyx offers him. "Thanks, kiddo." A pair of grey sweats, about the right size for him, and a brown t-shirt with a lambda on it. He lifts his head, looking around. His eyes land on his boots, over near the door. "So where's my clothes at, anyway?"

"Being washed," Alyx says.

"Uh huh... and did you bring me underwear back from the western camp too?"

She thinks about it for a long moment, then apparently elects to just not answer, looking away. Barney sighs. Freeballing it is. Why the hell not, right?

<You look comfortable,> Gordon signs to him, once he's dressed and they're headed out. <I'm sure no one will notice.>

"Just feels wrong," Barney grumbles. "That kid... you know she hasn't washed her jeans in over a year?" Gordon smiles at him and bumps their hands together.

"Stop slandering me," Alyx calls over her shoulder.

"Just sayin, it's double standards," Barney complains as they round a corner, and he nearly walks right into Kleiner.

"Good, Gordon, you're here," Kleiner says, and then pauses, looks Barney up and down, and shakes his head. "Honestly, Barney..."

"Hey," Barney says defensively. "She dressed me, for your information."

"Well, I'd tell her off, but she's stronger than me," Kleiner sighs. "Gordon, if you'd be so kind as to step into my lab..." He leads Gordon off, and they're talking and signing about something that goes over Barney's head, physics technobabble that he still hasn't managed to learn through osmosis, even after all these years.

He and Alyx follow Kleiner along to the lab, where apparently, shit's all fucked up. Someone's goddamn pet headhumper has torn through the place, and things are broken, spreadsheets are missing, buttons have been pushed--Barney knows a real simple solution to all of this, and it's called headcrab soup, but he keeps it to himself this time.

He's helping Kleiner lure the stupid alien out of the vents--which he only agrees to do so Gordon won't have to, otherwise, to hell with the damn thing--when Magnusson walks in. "What in God's name is going on in here? I can hear you from all the way down the hall--Calhoun, what the hell are you wearing?" Barney, crouched in front of the vent, glances down at himself.

"Sweatpants," he says helpfully, and Magnusson scowls deeply at him.

"I'm sorry, did you find your uniform uncomfortable? Do you need us to get you a pillow and blankie too? This is an operation, Calhoun, not a vacation resort. Put some real clothes on."

Barney starts to retort with some especially choice words when Lamarr comes flying out of the vent, and attempts to couple with his head. "Oh, there she is! Come on, Hedy, leave Barney's brain alone," Kleiner says, as Barney curses and screams and throws the headcrab across the room. It scuttles right back into the vent.

"Why do I feel like I'm watching a circus act?" Magnusson demands. "You people are supposed to be professionals. I'd expect this from him--" he gestures to Barney, "--or maybe her," he jerks his head towards Alyx, "but you two need to learn how to act like adults."

Gordon lowers his head, and Barney's not sure if he's fighting off a case of the giggles or trying not to tear Magnusson's throat out. "Are we all deaf, people? I'd like a response!" Magnusson snaps, and Gordon and Alyx nod. Barney scowls. "What's the problem, Calhoun?"

"You're an asshole," Barney says, and Kleiner drops the files he's holding in shock. Now Gordon's really trying not to laugh; Alyx too.

"Excuse me?"

"You didn't hear me? Clean your damn ears out."

"I could have you thrown out of here in an instant, Calhoun, so you'd best tread carefully--"

"There, right there! You're an asshole!" Alyx grabs him by the arm, yanking him towards the door as he and Magnusson both ramp up to yelling incomprehensibly at each other.

"Shitty coworker before, and a shitty boss now!" Barney's yelling, and Magnusson shouts back something like better look for another job, as Alyx leads Barney away.

"He pisses me off, Alyx!" Barney announces, when they're a safe distance down the hall.

"I know. Me too. But you really shouldn't get into a screaming match with him."

"Yeah, well..."

"Save that voice for open mic night."

The ban on karaoke night had been instituted just over two years ago. Alyx had something to do with it, back then, Barney vaguely remembers. Shit, maybe he'd been in trouble that night too. He doesn't really recall much besides that they'd both been really, really drunk.

It's kind of a big deal. They don't get much by way of music out here, not unless they want to tap into Combine-approved propaganda stations. And they don't.

Gordon's not even present for the first open mic night since he lifted the ban. Well--not quite lifted, because as far as Magnusson knows, none of this is going on. It's more like he quietly encouraged a little bit of rebellion in the mess hall. They've hauled a piano out of storage, slightly out of tune and missing some parts, but it works to make noise. Someone produced an acoustic guitar as well, and it's taunting Barney from the back of the makeshift stage.

"You gonna sing?" Alyx asks, elbowing him. They've got seats near the back exit, both of them sipping at their beers as resistance members take turns singing, tapping away at the piano, strumming the guitar.

"Nah," Barney says. Alyx sighs. "I'm not drunk enough, and I'm not gonna be drunk enough to sing," he informs her. "Sides, it wouldn't be fair to the others."

Alyx snorts and takes a drink off her beer. "I mean it," Barney says, gesturing to the guy picking at the guitar now, crooning some soft, sad tune. "Wouldn't be fair to the amateurs."

"I think you're scared," Alyx goads him, and Barney puts his hands up, shaking his head. "Poor Barney, scared to sing in front of his friends."

"You go sing, then." Barney finishes off his beer. "Since you wanna hear music so bad."

"I'm saving it for when Gordon's here," Alyx says. "We're gonna do a whole thing."

"Without me? I'm hurt."

"We have a song and dance number planned, a biiiig production."

"And you didn't even invite your uncle," Barney sighs, then snorts, turning his head away. "God, can you imagine?"

"Not only can I imagine it, it's happening," Alyx declares. "I'm gonna get us some more beer." She heads off to do just that, leaving him at the otherwise unoccupied table for a while.

She takes her damn time, Barney thinks, as she settles back in on his left. "Took you long enough--"

Lauren looks at him strangely, one eyebrow raised. "Hey," he says gruffly.

"Hey."

She looks uncomfortable already, like she might just get back up and leave rather than say whatever she came over to say, and Barney's almost glad for that. Good. Be uncomfortable. Walk away. Whatever she'd planned, it's forgotten when Ed takes a seat on her other side, beer in his hand.

"Don't see what we're doing here," Ed grumbles, eyes on the rebel up front, belting out an old rock song.

"Just listening to some nice music, Ed," Lauren says, as Barney leans away. He grabs both beers from Alyx as she reaches the table.

"I'm gonna need some more, sweetheart," he tells her, and Alyx looks past him at their guests, confused.

"O...kay, yeah, I'll go get some... more," Alyx says, drifting back off.

He downs both beers--slams back the first one and lets it go down in one long, continuous chug, then drains half the second bottle before he comes up for air. "Jesus, Barney," Lauren sighs. "You could at least try."

Barney belches, shakes his head. Lauren pinches the bridge of her nose, bowing her head.

They sit in silence for a couple of minutes as a rebel takes the stage to sing some sad old ballad. "Barbie loved this song," Ed says after the first chorus, and Barney's not sure if his dad's addressing him or not, but he nods. He remembers her singing it in the kitchen back when he was a kid. "Damn, I miss her." And for a minute longer, it's like his dad is human, and Barney almost wants to sit and reminisce with him about Mom, and the ranch, and all the things he used to know.

"I miss her too," he says softly, and Lauren looks pleased as punch that her plan has worked, that she's got them talking.

"You ever stop taking it up the ass?" Ed asks, which is nearly as close as the old man comes to polite conversation with people like Barney. The moment's over. Barney quickly downs the rest of the second beer, turning around to look for Alyx, to signal for help. She's nowhere to be found.

"Dad," Lauren says carefully, "I think we can agree that Barney's in a very powerful, very important position here, as a resistance leader--"

Edmond scoffs, finally looking over at Barney, who avoids his gaze. "This cocksucker? Sixth in command, at best."

"I need a drink," Barney says, moving to stand. Lauren grips his arm so tight it hurts.

"Barney, we're really making an effort here."

"Oh, yeah, I see that," Barney laughs breathily, wishing Alyx would come back and save him from his sister's death grip. "How about this, how about y'all start with apologizing. EIther of you."

"Don't see what I have to be sorry for," Ed says. He addresses Lauren. "Your faggot brother had it coming."

"You piece of shit," Barney snarls, and Lauren puts her hands up.

"Whoa, come on, let's not resort to name calling. Barney. I'm sorry for not standing up for you more," Lauren says. "But you really do have to calm down."

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm real calm. You got anything else?"

Lauren shrugs.

"Okay. How about you apologize for telling your daughter that I gave her brother brain damage."

"Well I didn't tell her that," Lauren says.

"You let her believe it."

"Well, for all I knew it was true." Lauren's voice stays low and steady, passing by as a casual conversation under the music coming from across the mess hall. "Not really my fault you had a reputation for drunk driving, Barney."

"Okay. Nice. I'm gonna head out," Barney announces, moving to stand.

"Fucking coward," Ed spits, and Barney pauses, nostrils flaring. "You always were a whiny little queer. Couldn't fight back then and you won't now."

"Fuck you," Barney snaps, bumping into a rebel on his way to the door. She drops her beer, which shatters loudly. The music stutters. Barney just storms over the wet mess, teeth grit, face and eyes burning.

He doesn't stop until he's outside in the cool night air, and even then he paces, kicking at rocks in his path, gasping in hot, angry breaths. His clothes feel too hot, too heavy, too much. He'd take his shirt off if his hands weren't shaking so bad.

Alyx finds him after a while. She doesn't have any beer, but she brought Gordon along. Barney drops to the ground, still panting, still furious and drunk and mad and upset and just hurt.

Gordon signs to him, but Barney can barely see him through his tears, just shakes his head and tries to breathe. Why can't he seem to work that out, the breathing thing? His throat feels tight.

"Barney," Alyx says, kneeling with him and rubbing a thumb over his cheek. "You're having a panic attack."

Barney just huffs, nods, and bursts into tears, letting Alyx hug him, then Gordon.

They haul him to bed at some point, but it's a blur, memories lost in a haze of booze and stress and darkness. Barney wakes up in the middle of the night on his mattress, tucked in. Alyx hogs most of the bed while Gordon stretches out on the floor.

He's got some good goddamn family, he decides. Blood and water be damned.

Gordon stirs and sits up, squinting at him in the dark. "Hey, baby," Barney says quietly, scooting over on the bed so Gordon can join him. Alyx kicks him in her sleep.

<Are you okay,> Gordon signs, and Barney shakes his head, pulling Gordon closer to hold on and kiss him.

Gordon talks him into reconciling, a few days later. He's been tense again, Barney knows, snappish and on edge, and no one wants to be around that for long.

It's Gordon's idea to take Lindsey, Lauren, and her kids out shooting, get them some applied weapons training. Barney's not sure of it at first, but Gordon's persistent, keeps bringing it up until Barney agrees to talk to Lindsey, at least.

And when he does, Lindsey's nothing if not excited, eager to get out and do something. Cade and Coal readily agree as well, so it's just a matter of talking to Lauren.

"Why," Lauren asks, when he approaches her to bring up the topic. Barney pauses, chewing the inside of his cheek.

"Because y'all aren't gonna stay here forever, and it would be in your best interests to get some good hands-on weapon training before you go." He's trying to be nice, cordial. Polite. Lauren folds her arms and shrugs.

"Fine. What time."

He gets up early the next morning, before dawn, so that he can meet his relatives at the gate at five. Alyx watches him pour coffee, a hand on her hip. Barney's got out one of the big mugs, and he's filling it to the brim with the stuff. He sniffs at it, then looks around for sugar-- "We're out," she informs him, and he sighs, resigning to drink it black. "Big mug day, huh?"

"I need it," Barney says. He takes a sip and grimaces, then drinks down as much of the coffee as he can stand at once. "I'm takin my, uh... relatives out, to learn to shoot."

Alyx nods, sipping at her own drink. "Your relatives," she echoes.

"My sisters. And my older sister's kids."

"Cade and Coal," Alyx supplies. Barney nods, taking another sip of the coffee that makes him shudder hard, then downs the rest of it in one long draw. "Cade's got killer instincts, so she'll be good."

"You like her?" Barney asks, gasping for air. Coffee used to be a good thing, but now it's like choking down mud. Alyx scoffs.

"No, what? No. Why, she say something about me?"

Barney snorts.

"Hey, it's not like I have a lot of options for people around my age," Alyx protests, "you married The One Free Man."

"What about that boy you were dating? Couple years back."

"Long distance rarely works out," Alyx informs him, as she pours herself some more sludge from the coffee pot.

He gears up, gets his boots on, then doubles back for a knit hat. It's gonna be cold out. Stepping outside, he's hit with the heavy, wet, cold air of October. Barney tugs his hat down closer to his head, adjusts his gloves, and waits.

Cade and Coal meet up with him about ten minutes later; late, but there, and apparently eager to get out and learn to shoot. "Where's your ma?" he asks them, "Lindsey?"

"Lindsey's tired," Cade says, then shrugs. "Lauren said she didn't want to come."

Barney sighs. They're losing morning; he wants to get out to the range before the sun is high, get some real practice in. He doesn't have time to go drag Lindsey out of her funk, fight with Lauren...

If they don't want to learn to shoot, fine. Let them be helpless, useless. It can be someone else's problem, once they're moved to another camp. He's not gonna let it be his problem right now.

"Alright, let's go then," he says, leading them towards the edge of camp. At least they're smart enough to be dressed for the weather, he thinks, leading them out into the wilderness.

"Do we get guns?" Cade asks him after a while, as they're trudging through the damp woods. Barney shakes his head and holds up a hand to stop his niece and nephew. "I mean, we're out here for a reason--"

"Shh."

Cade huffs, crossing her arms as Barney waits and watches the woods. He puts his hand down slowly, then beckons for them to follow again.

The range is out a ways, past a couple miles of forest. There's a good spot closer to base where he'd normally take rookies to teach them to shoot at tree stumps, but he wants the kids to get some actual experience, and that means going to the nest.

It's a hotspot, an area infested with zombies and headcrabs, and not the debeaked kind. Not as bad as Ravenholm. He wouldn't take anyone there, least of all some kids who've never handled a weapon or killed anything, but the edges of the nest are fine.

They come across a deer before they reach their destination; a fawn, laying still in a bed of grass, staring at them. Barney stops the kids again, gestures for them to follow him around the edges of the clearing. Cade is itching to get closer to the deer, he can see, and that's not a good idea, not if its mama's around. 'Sides, if they're lucky, they can circle back around later and get some meat.

They pass the mother deer a few minutes later. Its head is down, apparently grazing. It lifts its head and they can see it then, the headcrab, latched onto its host. It's a gruesome, visceral sight, just like every other zombie Barney's ever seen.

Cade shudders uncomfortably. Barney points her and Coal in the other direction, while the zombie deer regards them with mild interest as they pass at a safe distance.

The woods start to thin, and Barney hands his pack off to Coal, signing to them to <stay quiet, don't talk out here.> They both nod, as Barney checks his weapons, just to be sure before he puts them into any sort of danger.

The nest is marked on maps as a place to avoid, but Barney's come here plenty. For a while, a few years back, he got it in his head that he'd find Gordon if he cleared the place out--a task that proved impossible. There's just no "clearing out" zombies. The zone is too big, too vast and too heavily populated.

There's a little mound up ahead of them, and a couple of zombies crawling around near the front of it. Cade gestures to them, signs <shoot?> with her eyebrows raised. Barney shakes his head. <Why not,> Cade wants to know, furrowing her brow.

He points to the mound the two zombies are near, signs back. <They're guarding. That's a den.>

She doesn't seem to fully grasp it, still looking back as Barney leads them around the edge of the woods, to a safe spot to practice. The sun is coming up, brightening the grey sky and dusting color over the mountains as Barney picks a spot and starts to tutor his sister's kids.

He shows them the right way to hold each of his guns, the wrong ways. How to load, how to stand, how to take aim. They both take it seriously, nodding, signing questions to him that he answers readily.

<Recoil,> he signs to them, fingerspells it even. He levels his shotgun at a zombie that's wandered near, clicking at them. <Watch.> He takes aim, spattering headcrab guts on the zombie's shoulders, and it slumps over still. Coal nods, eyes on him, but Cade's staring at the dead zombie.

Barney taps her shoulder and she jumps. "I'm fine," she says, and he jostles her.

<Sign.> She nods, not looking at him. <You can't be scared out here. If you're afraid around these things, you're going to end up hurt, you're going to end up dead.> He pauses, pats her shoulder. <They're not human.>

<I know.> But they were at some point, hangs the unspoken, unsigned implication. Barney sighs.

<If you don't want to learn then stand over there.> He beckons to Coal. <Come here.>

<Still want to learn,> Cade insists, but stands back with Barney's pack, watching.

Coal takes the shotgun when Barney offers it to him, allowing his uncle to guide him, how he stands and aims and breathes. The earlier gunshot has drawn some attention their way, and three zombies, clicking and groaning, start to make their way over to investigate. Barney points at the far left zombie, helps Coal take aim.

<Fire,> Barney signs. Coal squeezes the trigger, the recoil nearly staggering him. The shot misses, but not by a lot, just from Coal's shaking, his virtue of rookiehood. The zombies give pause and start dragging themselves over in earnest, and Coal tries to hand the gun back.

<No,> Barney signs, pointing at the far left zombie again. Coal reloads, fumbling, and takes aim. Barney guides him again, but he's shaking hard as the zombies draw near.

Cade stands up, pacing closer. She doesn't think Barney would purposely put them in danger, she hopes not, but she's also spent almost a decade thinking he'd crashed the car in Coal's accident. Drunk uncle Barney. Family disappointment, child endangerer...

<Fire,> Barney repeats, and there's no way, the zombies aren't slowing down, they're going to reach them and Coal's right in their path and he's shaking, sweating, scared. His finger finds the trigger and squeezes. The zombie on the left screams at the injury to its host body, spurring the group of three onwards.

"Coal!" Cade screams, as Barney draws his glock and shoots all three of them in the parasite end, stopping their advance. Coal drops to the ground and scrambles back, shoving the shotgun away.

<Calm down,> Barney signs to her, as Cade rounds on him. <He's okay.>

"How is he okay?! How is this okay!" Cade snaps.

<Sign,> her uncle warns.

"This is bullshit Barney, you know it," Cade hisses, shoving at him with little effect. Coal's starting to stand back up, wiping his sweaty palms on his jacket. He picks the shotgun back up, carefully, and turns to Barney.

<Help, show me.>

So Barney walks him back through it, as Cade fumes. Coal trusts him, but she doesn't see why. Barney nearly let those things reach him. She barely lifts her head when the gunshot goes off, then another.

Coal sits down next to her, grinning. <Your turn?> he signs, and she huffs, then nods and stands back up. She rolls her shoulders, taking the shotgun when Barney offers it, and watches him as he signs to her the same things he'd told Coal: relax, don't hold your breath, don't close your eyes, see that one there, you're gonna line up the shot.

Cade exhales, focused on the zombie ahead. It claws at the air, as if searching for something, then turns its parasite head towards her, taking notice.

It doesn't look human at all, from this end of a gun. Cade waits for Barney's sign, then puts her finger on the trigger and squeezes.

Barney claps her on the shoulder. <Good job,> he signs, and Cade nods, handing the gun back and ignoring the swell of pride in her chest.

They move around the edges of the nest throughout the morning, and Barney gives them practice with each of his guns. Cade doesn't expect the glock to be harder for her to aim, but it is. She also doesn't expect the recoil to nearly bash her in the face, but it does. Barney just adjusts her stance and walks her back through it, as the zombie makes anguished noises and comes closer for her to spatter its headcrab parasite into bits.

Coal has an easier time, with each of the guns. He picks up on it quickly, and Cade thinks that if Alyx were here, she'd be awarding him big points. He has no problem with the zombies after killing a few, just shoots them casually, easily.

Barney lets them stop to eat, after a few hours. It must be close to noon, not that the rebels seem to use any standard form of time measurement. He sits down with them, opening his pack to dole out nutritious, delicious headcrab lunches. Every once in a while, a zombie wanders near, and Barney takes aim with the glock, killing each of them in one shot, one handed, while eating.

By mid afternoon, Cade is competent and Coal is comfortable, and they've both killed enough zombies for Barney to nod in satisfaction and gesture for them to follow him, further into the nest. <Downstairs,> he signs, which makes no sense, until he leads them to the mouth of a den, one of the mounds of earth. It's a tunnel that slopes down, disappearing underground into the darkness, and Barney's heading into it. Coal walks in beside him, holding the shotgun, and Cade decides she'd prefer her chances with him and Barney than without. She hurries after them with the glock.

Coal starts to take aim at the first zombie he sees, and Barney knocks him in the shoulder, stopping him. <No,> he signs, then again when a headcrab comes into view, legs tapping on the packed ground of the tunnel. <Too loud,> Barney explains, drawing his stun stick to smash the headcrab and the zombie both, messily.

They enter into the den, and Cade gasps softly as Barney shines his flashlight around. It's huge, a great, dark cavern, with what must be dozens of offshoot tunnels, leading to other caverns or back to the surface. All around them, headcrabs click, mildly agitated.

There's no communicating in the dark, Cade realizes. They just inch around the perimeter, stopping to smash the aliens that come flying out of the darkness, and make it to another tunnel.

He leads them back into the sunlight, and Cade has questions. Like: what was the point of going into the den? To scare them? She wants to ask, but Barney's trekking on ahead, a casual stroll through the zone of the nest.

<Why go downstairs?> she asks, when he finally stops. The hotspot is far behind them, and the nonstop clicking of headcrabs has vanished.

<Fastest way through,> he signs. Points to the sun overhead, sinking in the sky. <It would have taken us until dark to scoot around the edge again. Time to head back to base.>

Coal starts to hand the shotgun back, and Barney shakes his head, walking on. He speaks once they near the clearing with the zombie doe again, looking over his shoulder at them. "We'll get you some more practice in later. Some hand to hand training too. God knows you're gonna need it--"

Something rams into him, big and animal-like but not: a stag, or something that used to be a stag, with a headcrab for a face and moss in its fur. It clicks and shrieks and Barney curses, scrambling out of its reach as two shots ring out.

Cade lowers the glock, looking over at Coal. He doesn't look panicked at all, just calm and ready to fire again if need be. Barney pushes a hand through his hair, exhales a "hooo boy" as he looks over the stag.

"Looks like you both got it," he says, and grins at them. "Nice job."

They make it to base just after sundown. Alyx is waiting for them, and Gordon, both lingering near the entrance. Nonchalant, but nervous. Gordon meets Barney halfway to the gate and kisses him hard, long enough that Alyx starts clearing her throat, then fake coughing.

<I missed you,> Gordon informs him, expression worried. Barney laughs and kisses his cheek, walking back into camp with him.

"You don't gotta worry, darlin, we were fine."

"I want a kiss too," Alyx informs them, and Barney slings an arm around her, blows a fat, loud raspberry on her face. She kicks him.

Stepping through the mess hall doors, Barney curses. Something about a deer in the woods that he forgot to grab. "I don't want headcrab bake," he groans, and Gordon kisses him again, signs that he'll grab dinner if Barney wants to sit down.

They sit as a group, and Alyx pushes Cade into recounting the day, how Barney had them shoot what must have been a hundred zombies and headcrabs, then took them into the den--Gordon raises an eyebrow at his husband. Alyx just nods, eager to hear more.

"So we're on the way back, and this zombie stag comes out of nowhere--"

"Well, maybe let's forget that part," Barney laughs. Gordon looks quickly over at him, then signs for Cade to go on, tell the story.

"It took Barney down," Cade says. "Me and Coal, we both shot it." Coal nods, chewing, and then makes a "ptchew" noise with his mouth.

"Alright, well, I wouldn't say it took me down," Barney protests, and Cade laughs.

"Barney, it practically gored you with its antlers, you were on the ground."

"Sounds like I missed a fun trip," Lauren says, sitting down beside Cade.

"Sounds like you shoulda been there," Barney says coldly, chewing.

"Sounds like my kids had it handled," Lauren says, her voice just as frigid. "Since you didn't."

"I had it covered," Barney snaps. Gordon signs his name, then sighs when Barney shrugs him off.

The table is silent, the tension thick as molasses. Alyx swallows her food, looks like she's about to say something, when Cade speaks up.

"You're being too harsh, Lauren," she says, mouth full of headcrab. Lauren eyes her, gaze cool. "Barney took care of us the whole day. We were safe cause of him, not the other way around."

"Was he sober?" Lauren asks. Alyx drops her fork with a clatter, moving to stand--she might go over the table at Lauren, but Gordon restrains her. Coal slams his hands on the surface, agitated.

"M-mom. Stop."

Silence again, thick and choking. Lauren stands, leaving her tray, and drifts back towards the doors.

Barney sighs, rubbing his face. "Sorry," Cade says softly, eyes back on her plate.

"Not your fault. It's her problem." Barney stands, muttering. "You go joyriding one time and it's all anyone ever talks about, huh..." He stops to lean over and kiss Gordon's forehead. "Love you darlin. I'm gonna head to bed."

Gordon reaches after him, fingertips trailing off his arm, and Alyx takes the opportunity to wriggle out of his grasp. She reaches across the table to grab Lauren's tray and start scraping it onto her own. Gordon ultimately stands, signs that he's going to go take care of Barney, and leaves the other three to their meals.

He lets himself into Barney's room, and his husband doesn't look up as Gordon settles in behind him on the mattress. "Love you, Gordo," Barney murmurs, and Gordon snuggles closer, kissing his neck until Barney finally rolls over to face him.

<Are you okay?>

"Yeah... well, no, not really."

<I'm sorry.>

"S'okay, Gordon," Barney sighs, and leans in to kiss him. Gordon presses closer, and Barney gets it now. Ever since that suppression field came down--yeah, he's been the same way. All riled up.

Gordon slips a hand down the front of Barney's pants, palming him through his underwear, and Barney groans, pressing his face into Gordon's neck. He responds in turn when Gordon whines, fumbling to get a hand down into his jeans, past his briefs. His rough fingertips rub against Gordon's tdick, and the younger man jolts and moans, squeezing Barney's cock in return.

It doesn't take either of them long to finish, and then they lay there, sticky and spent. Gordon wants to go again, but Barney's tired, and not just physically.

<What are you thinking,> Gordon asks, and Barney shakes his head.

"Just... All these years, and my family's still finding new and exciting ways to hurt me."

Gordon gazes at him sadly, takes both of Barney's hands in his and kisses each knuckle. "I love you," he says softly, sweetly, and Barney nods, face scrunching up in his effort not to cry.

"I can't... I can't believe this is still goin on, Gordo," he whines, and Gordon kisses his face next, cups his jaw and presses soft, sweet kisses to his cheeks. "I just want it to be over," Barney says, sniffling. "I don't wanna have to deal with this anymore."

<They won't be here forever,> Gordon promises him, and Barney nods slowly. <Give it some time and they'll all be out at other camps.>

"I know, I'm just... I'm still scared, Gordon. I'm still afraid of my dad."

Gordon nods, rubbing his thumbs over the back of Barney's hands.

"I guess I'm still just that scared little boy, underneath it all. Still weak. Still hiding."

<You're the strongest man I know, Barney,> Gordon signs, and Barney shuts his eyes, trying to remember how to breathe.

Alyx is awake before dawn, as usual. Dad sometimes says that she's neither a night owl or a morning dove, and is instead a 24 hour cuckoo clock. She's not sure what that entails, other than that he's calling her a bird.

It's probably right around time for the changing of the guard when she steps out of her room to find Coal and Cade waiting. They both look like they just rolled out of bed, but alert and ready and raring for some kind of adventure. Alyx is caught off guard though, and stares at them.

"Oh good, you're up," Cade says, as Coal signs.

<Teach me fighting.>

"Oh, you guys wanna fight, huh?" Alyx asks. She clicks her tongue in mock disdain. "Uncle Barney gave you one taste of bloodshed and now you hunger for more. I get it. Let's go." She starts off down the hall, stretching as she goes. It's always good to stretch before a tousle!

She leads them outside, breathing in the cold air with satisfaction. "It's gonna be cold today," she decides, and turns to face the siblings. "Alright. Come at me."

"Both of us?" Cade asks, dropping into some kind of fighting stance.

"Either way."

Coal shrugs, and Cade runs at Alyx, swings a fist at her. Alyx grabs her arm, draws her closer, and knees her in the gut.

Cade yelps and goes down, clutching her stomach. "God, Alyx, what the hell!"

"Be prepared for the element of surprise," Alyx advises her, and then chases after Coal.

It quickly becomes apparent that Alyx is leagues beyond them, but there's no stopping her once she's started. Cade pants for breath, clutching at a sore spot on her side--guaranteed to bruise by tomorrow--watching Alyx pin her brother to the dirt.

"You kids havin fun?" Barney calls, hanging back with a cup of coffee.

"No," Cade calls back.

"Kay, good luck."

It's Gordon that finally comes out, tells Alyx to settle down. She dances around, punching him in the shoulders as he signs to the siblings, taking charge of the lesson.

<Alyx is short, but she's all muscle,> Gordon warns them. <It's important to size up your opponent, gauge their strengths and weaknesses. Case in point.> He sweeps Alyx's leg as she's punching him, singing something loud and tuneless, and she goes down hard.

"Oh, now you wanna play, huh? Let's go, Freeman." Alyx stands back up, fists up.

"Alyx, be gentle with him, he's not in the suit," Barney reminds her, from where he's seated and watching.

Gordon waves to him, signs that it's fine, and then Alyx takes him to the ground and sits down on his chest.

<Okay, okay. Point taken.>

Alyx grins down at him like a biiiig, big cat with a mouse in its paws, then climbs off and helps him to his feet.

Together, they hodgepodge some sort of lesson plan, teaching Cade and Coal some basic offensive and defensive moves, and how to counteract those moves, and how to counteract THOSE moves. It dissolves into wrestling after a while, no holds barred despite Barney's nervous insistence that Alyx go easy on Gordon.

"That's basically all of it," Alyx says, pinning Gordon and ignoring his frantic attempts to tap out. She finally hops off him and they both stand, Gordon dusting himself off. "Any questions? No? Okay. Fight to the death."

She makes Coal and Cade face off for their final exam, as she and Gordon give them points for form, accuracy, and pain, a category she insists is crucial. "Oh, and if one of you bleeds, that's double points," she calls. "Fight!"

By the time they finish--without bloodshed, Alyx boos them for that--both siblings are sweaty and covered in dirt.

"You learn anything?" Barney asks, walking over.

Cade nods, but probably only because she worries Alyx might hit her if she doesn't. "Yeah. It'll be good to know this stuff once we're out at the other camp." She wipes her dirty face and grimaces when her hand comes away filthy. "I'm gonna go shower."

Barney watches nervously as Alyx circles Gordon, trying to goad him into another match. She's gonna hurt him if she's not careful. He glances at his nephew, hands trembling as he signs something.

<Need help.>

"Help with--" Barney hushes himself when Coal shakes his head, and signs instead. <What's wrong?>

Coal considers his next words carefully, and his hands go steady when he finally signs them to Barney.

<Help me kill your father.>

Barney blinks at him, laughs a bit nervously. "You serious?" he asks, and Coal nods. "He didn't put you up to this?"

Coal shakes his head, eyes stormy. Barney nods, licking his lips. He looks past Gordon and Alyx at the edge of the woods, thinking.

He's wanted to. Not just since his family showed up at the base, but since he was... younger than Coal, even.

"He hit you?" Barney asks softly, and Coal just purses his lips, but that's answer enough. Barney sighs, rubbing his face. Goddamn Lauren. Can't even do something when it's her own kid.

"Don't say anythin to her," Barney warns him, eyes on Alyx.

Coal nods, signs <or C A D E.>

"Yeah. We'll keep it between us," Barney agrees. He catches Gordon facing their way and wonders how much of that he saw from behind his glasses. His eyes are unreadable in the sunlight.

Missions come in short bursts. There'll be nothing worth doing for weeks at a time, then boom: everyone needs something. Barney's half glad for the time away from base, half itching to get back.

He and Coal haven't discussed it any further, and Gordon didn't say anything to him before he left for his mission. He's torn two ways on that too: half hoping that Coal will have changed his mind and he won't have to face the old man, half reaching for his gun, imagining how satisfying it'll be.

He's kinda got a plan, cobbled together out of bits and pieces. His family is headed to the eastern camp in about a month, a journey that he'll join them on. For protection. He and Coal will separate from the group with Ed, feeble old man, who won't be able to keep moving if his wheelchair suddenly breaks. The kid can keep Ed quiet while Barney lures some zombies over, and then they'll have a cover story for why they had to shoot the old bastard.

It's foolproof, he thinks. An unbreakable plan.

It's a good week and a half before Barney and Alyx come back to base, back from reestablishing contact with the rebels at the camp near the coast. He's had plenty of time to put the plan out of his head, to forget about the silent storm brewing behind Coal's eyes, and to forget just how much he hates Ed.

Alyx parts ways with him as they reenter the main building, off to get a shower. Barney heads straight for the mess hall. It's mostly empty this time of day, and the chef and his workers are busy cleaning up lunch, prepping for dinner.

He needs to go talk to Kleiner in a bit, but he has time enough for whatever the chef is serving. Barney scans the mess hall quickly, finds Coal with his back towards the line, and heads over to sit across from him.

"Hey kid," he greets him, already tearing into his food. Coal lifts his head in greeting and Barney freezes, swallowing hard. He's got a black eye and a split lip, and he doesn't have to say anything, because Barney knows that look of shame and pain and rage, he's caught it on his reflection too many times to mistake it for anything else.

He remembers now. He hates Ed so fucking much.

Barney signs to him. <Three weeks.> Coal nods. <We'll finish it on the trip east.>

Coal nods again, signs <good.> Barney's lost his appetite. Some stupid part of him almost asks if he used any of those moves Alyx taught him--but he knows better, knows that would have only made things worse, made Ed angrier.

"S'not your fault, kid," Barney tells him. Coal lowers his head onto his arms and doesn't answer.

He remembers something Ed said to him, that day in the desert, as he heads for Kleiner's lab. You can go easy on girls, but you've gotta whoop boys into shape, or they end up soft. He doesn't remember the exact wording, he'd had such a bad concussion at the time, but he remember's Ed's voice, his eyes, and the barrel of his shotgun.

"Good, you're back," Kleiner says, and he seems to see something in Barney's face. The latter tries to hide it behind a grin and a wave, but Kleiner's onto him. "Do you need a hug, Barney?"

Barney laughs, shakes his head. "No, just... feeling a bit sick."

"Well, I just need your help with calibrating the device--oh, don't make that face, it's a very simple task, we'll have it done in no time..."

Barney mutters to himself as he enters his room that night, kicking his boots off. Gordon's seated on his mattress, socked feet on the concrete floor. "Fuckin Magnusson," he complains, "Kleiner had me workin on the same switch for eight hours, finally turned out the wires weren't connected right at the other end. Whole time Magnusson's yellin at me I've got somethin wrong, do it again--Hey, Gordo." He moves to shove Gordon down and kiss him, but his husband signs something to stop him.

<I'm going to help.>

"With the... we got it fixed already, darlin," Barney says, and Gordon dodges another kiss.

<I'm going to help you kill Ed.>

Barney straightens up. "Don't know what you're talkin about," he coughs. Gordon stands, staring him down, and Barney feels very small. "Uh. Well."

<I'm helping,> Gordon says firmly. Barney looks away. <I saw Coal.>

"Yeah," Barney sighs. "I did too."

<Tell me your plan.>

He walks Gordon through it in a hushed voice, as if someone might be listening in. So he's paranoid, so what? You've gotta be, the way the world is. Gordon nods along, not interrupting him the whole time.

"So, uh... thoughts?"

Gordon rubs his beard, thinking. He shakes his head, but Barney squints at him. He's holding something back, but he knows better than to try and make Gordon talk.

<Karaoke tonight,> Gordon signs finally, and grins.

"Oh yeah, huh... You're that excited about it?" Gordon puffs up a bit, smug. "What, are you gonna sing?"

<Maybe.>

"Then I guess I better get a front row seat, huh," Barney says, leaning over the edge of the bed to grab his boots.

<You should sing too,> Gordon tells him, as they're heading to the mess hall. Barney snorts.

"I don't know if we have enough beer for that."

<I like hearing you sing,> Gordon protests, and Barney falters, unsure of how to argue with that.

They reach the mess hall and Barney takes a seat near the front, while Gordon signs that he's going to help with something. Alyx is nowhere to be seen, but that's not saying a lot; the mess hall is pretty packed. He spots Cade and Coal, sitting among some rebels, away from the rest of their family.

A Vortigaunt hands him a beer, and judging by the apron he's guessing it's the chef. He has a hard time telling, sometimes. "You guys like music?" Barney asks, taking a drink, and the chef levels its alien eyes at him, just stares until he looks away.

Dumb question, he gets it.

The first song is a strong one, a classic, a tune by Brittney Spears. Barney drinks his beer, reminiscing about the cd's he'd had hidden between his mattress back in the day, the collection Barbara had found and turned over to Ed...

A cheer rises through the crowd long after the applause should have ended, and Barney looks up to find Alyx and Gordon taking the stage. Well, he'll be damned. Gordon had said he would, but he didn't think... He makes eye contact with Alyx, who grins at him. Gordon gives him a little wave.

Don't let my boy get booed up there, Barney tries to convey through his gaze, but Alyx is already taking a breath to begin. The Vort at the piano hovers its hands over the keys, waiting.

"It's been--one week since you looked at me, cocked your head to the side and said--"

<I'm angry,> Gordon signs, and Alyx sings, and his hands are a flurry of movement.

"Five days since you laughed at me, saying-"get that together, come back and see me!""

<Three days since the living room,> Gordon signs, and Barney can't help it, he's laughing. Who introduced Alyx to this music? Scratch that, he knows. Gordon watches him, smiling faintly as Alyx launches into the first verse. His hands never stop moving, signing the lyrics as she sings. Rebels are laughing and cheering, drinking their beers and having a good time.

He seriously has to wonder what made them ban karaoke night before, just as Alyx signs "I have a history of taking off my shirt" and hikes it up over her stomach. Oh, right, his niece was a terror.

Gordon laughs, enough to be picked up by the mic, and tugs Alyx's shirt back down. He fumbles to catch up with the chorus as she sings. Barney looks around, grinning. He'd say half the rebels in the room are old enough to at least remember the song, maybe a third know the lyrics, and the rest are having a good time anyway. His eyes land on Lindsey, who's smiling kind of faintly, and Lauren beside her, who's not smiling at all.

He looks quickly back to the stage, to Gordon's foot, tapping in time to Alyx's singing. How he got her to memorize those lyrics--hell, practicing the signs must have taken him forever, to get them just right, timed perfectly.

Things feel good, right now, Barney thinks. Things are good. They can only get better. Maybe he will sing, he decides, finishing his beer in time to clap and cheer for them.

Gordon falls into his lap the second he's off stage, and Barney wraps an arm around him, kisses him. A couple rebels clap Gordon on the shoulder, praising him, as Alyx gets scolded for dropping the mic on the stage on purpose.

The next handful of songs are good--a few he recognizes, a few he doesn't. Gordon sits on his lap, kissing his temple and watching the performances, and Alyx brings them more beer. Barney feels eyes on the back of his head but doesn't turn. He's got enough to pay attention to right now.

The night winds on. He's pleasantly buzzed, enough that he doesn't hear his name the first time it's called on stage.

"C'mon, Barney, get up here," the rebel on stage calls. Greg, Barney's pretty sure that's his name. He laughs and shakes his head as Gordon stands and pulls him to his feet.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to sing," Barney laughs, when Greg passes the guitar off to him.

"Skater Boy!" a woman at the back of the room yells, and there's laughter. Barney grins, strumming at the guitar strings. He hasn't played in a while, but he still remembers the feel of it.

"Yeah, I don't think so," Barney laughs, mindless strumming becoming a tune. "But I think I know."

The Vort on piano picks up the melody, plays along as he strums faster. The intro goes on, building in intensity before he opens his mouth:

"God bless the daylight," he sings, and someone cheers, "the sugary smell of springtime, remembering when you were mine, in a still suburban town.

"Where every Thursday, I'd brave those mountain passes, and you'd skip your early classes, and we'd learn how our bodies worked!"

Cheers and approving hollers ring out as his fingers slide over the strings, remembering exactly how to play this song.

"God damn the black night, with all its foul temptations. I've become what I always hated, when I was with you, then.

"We looked like giants! In the back of my gray subcompact, fumbling to make contact, as the others slept inside."

He lets his eyes wander over the crowd, from Gordon, who's gazing at him with love in his eyes, to Alyx, arm wrestling one of the rebels for some reason. Cade and Coal, across the room from them, and then in the back, there's his sisters, and... Ed. Watching him with a glowering gaze. Barney feels his lips moving, knows he's still singing and playing, but his mind is elsewhere, somewhere in the woods where he'll get to kill the old man.

"And I held you closer, than anyone would ever guess..." He comes back to earth, wartorn earth, at the end of the verse, just in time to jam on the guitar again. He turns his focus back to Gordon, finishes the song just for him.

The rebels call for an encore, though, and Barney laughs, shakes his head, and goes on to sing Crooked Teeth, eyes on Gordon the whole time. Then Sk8r Boi, when the rebels that are present start pressing him for a fun song. He changes the pronouns to make it gay.

He's a little more sober by the time he staggers off stage, hands the guitar off. Gordon stands and kisses him, hands fumbling, lips mumbling.

"Take your time," Barney says, and Gordon just kisses him again.

They sit back down for a while to listen to the other singers. Someone taps Barney on the shoulder and he turns to find Lindsey there.

"Hey," he says, as Lindsey gestures towards the door to the hall. "Sure..."

He pulls away from Gordon, who's wrapped up in a conversation with Alyx now anyway, and heads to the door. He can't help but be a little apprehensive of what she wants to say to him. Lauren's mad, Dad's mad, and by the way I'm mad?

But when the door shuts behind him, Lindsey just throws herself at him in a hug. "I haven't heard you sing since we were kids!" she cries, beaming at him.

"Yeah," Barney says, dumbstruck. "Guess it's been a bit." Lindsey jabbers at him, asking if he knows this song, or that one, humming bars for him.

Barney laughs along with her, reminiscing about back then, until Cade comes to the door and says Lauren's looking for Lindsey. She looks at Barney next, informs him that "Freeman's getting on stage, with or without you."

Barney pushes past her, back to the stage, where Gordon's looking very nervous. Barney climbs up, stands, and kisses him as rebels hoot and whistle at them.

"What are we gonna sing, darlin," Barney asks, and as if on cue, the guy who's taken over piano starts playing a song that he knows well. Resistance music, and if he recalls correctly, a love song.

He only has a couple of bars to prepare himself before he's singing and Gordon's signing with him.

"I may have a drink to forget what I think, but I'll never forget about you," the song goes, "I may take a tumble, a metrocop rumble, but still I'll come home crawling to you." Everyone knows this song, even some of the refugees; it's one of those songs you'd hear hummed around a campfire on the railroad, or maybe mumbled in back alleys in the cities, and the rebels sing it now, a sense of unity and warmth filling the room.

"I'd still come out swinging, with a strider between us, no stalkers can keep me away," Barney sings, eyes lingering on Gordon. "Call Civil Protection, and tell them to tell Doctor Breen that I'm comin his way--"

"And tell him I said FUCK YOU!" the rebels shout, over the next line, all as one, as is tradition with the song.

There's laughter and love and light in the room as they sing, and drink, and hold each other.

"Ohhhhh, the railroad winds up through the White Wood," the chorus goes, "I'll follow it north to your heart. And though they may beat me and bruise me mistreat me, there's nothin can keep us apart. Tell Doctor Breen that I'm comin his way, he'd better hope that he ain't hurt you yet. Cause if he leaves one mark on you, mark my words, baby--! It's gonna come down on his head."

"I'm free when I'm with you, I'm light as a cloud, stronger than hell and about twice as loud, so I'll bring your crowbar and you bring my baton....!" The song lingers there, as the pianist flutters his fingers over the keys.

"And we'll beat the Combine back where they belong!"

"Oh the railroad winds up through the White Wood, I'll follow it north to your heart, my love. And though they may beat me and bruise and mistreat me, there's nothin can keep us apart. Tell Gordon Freeman his love's on his way--" At this point Gordon flushes and fumbles with his hands, stops signing, but everyone else is too into the tune to notice him--"and tell Doctor Breen what I told you!" A few rebels crow curses again.

"Cause if he wants to make it out all in one piece..." the song slows again, and a hush falls over the room. "He'd better return you to me! The railroad winds up through the White Wood, and I follow it home to your heart, every day. And though they may beat me and bruise and mistreat me, the Combine can't keep me away! Though they may beat me and bruise and mistreat me...!"

Barney takes Gordon's hand and squeezes.

"I know you'll come back too, one day."

"Forgot that song was about you, didn'tcha?" Barney asks, arm wrapped around Gordon as they wander back from the mess hall.

<I just remembered that you wrote it,> Gordon signs, still embarrassed.

"Yeah, well, s'not the only one," Barney admits, and Gordon stares at him, suddenly intent on his face. "No, I ain't singin anymore, my throat hurts." Gordon's gaze turns pleading, and Barney laughs.

"Next time, babydoll."

"I didn't know you wrote it," calls a voice behind them. Cade's catching up, Lauren trailing after her.

"Well, I couldn't exactly attach my name to it," Barney says, then rubs the back of his neck, good and embarrassed. "And I don't really... tell folks about it."

"I always assumed it was written by Freeman's girlfriend," Cade says, and Gordon laughs. "What, it's plausible. I think half the girls at my education center fantasized about you to that song."

Gordon chokes, turning red. Barney thumps him on the back.

"Don't tease him, c'mon."

"Course, the other half were daydreaming about Breen," Cade says, and Barney busts up at that one, leaning heavily on Gordon. Lauren stands silent, arms crossed, and clears her throat.

"Barney." He lifts his head, holding back laughter. "Let's talk."

His face falls into a frown, and Barney nods and follows her about twenty yards away, where she turns around to look down on him.

"Can you tone it down."

"Tone... tone what down," he asks, struck dumb by the suggestion.

"This whole thing," Lauren says. "I've tried really hard to protect my kids, but there's only so much I can do when you're shoving their faces in it."

"Is that what this is?" Barney hisses after a moment, going red. "I'm too fucking queer for you?"

"Yes," Lauren hisses, as if she's embarrassed just to have been asked.

"Jesus! Fuck, Lauren, seriously?!"

"You need to sober up and stop fondling your boyfriend where my kids can see it."

"He's my husband!" Barney protests, and Lauren rolls her eyes. "You seriously haven't changed at all, have you? God, I don't know how Cade even deals with you--"

"Leave her out of this. I'm trying to keep them safe, Barney. For as long as I can."

"Oh, yeah," Barney laughs. "I'm sure of that."

"What is that supposed to mean."

"Is that why Coal's busted up like I used to be? Dad knocked him black and blue--what, that's you protecting him?"

"I don't know what you want me to do about that," Lauren says.

"Maybe you could get a little mad, for one!"

"Settle down."

"No! Fuck, Lauren! I know you never gave a shit when it was me, but your son? Will you care when it's your daughter?!"

"What is wrong with you," Lauren asks. "You had a crappy childhood, I get it, you weren't dad's favorite."

"That's not even REMOTELY--"

"You realize you and your boyfriend there ruined my marriage."

Barney stares at her, mouth hanging open. "What?"

"Why do you think I kicked Dan out, Barney?"

"You said he joined civil protection--"

"I kicked him out because of Gordon," Lauren says, as if that makes any sense. "Dan wouldn't have changed if you hadn't brought him home."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Barney hisses.

"You need to stay away from my family," Lauren says, ignoring him. Barney glares at her. His face feels hot. She's always been good at getting him pissed off, hasn't she? "I don't want Coal fucked up any more than he is, and Cade..."

"Go ahead, say it," Barney goads her.

"I'm doing my best, Barney," Lauren says, as she turns and walks away from him.

"Your best is horseshit!" He yells after her. Gordon and Cade (and Alyx has joined them now) stand awkwardly where he left them, each of them looking in a different direction in silence.

"So Lauren's being a bitch again, I see?" Cade says, when Barney rejoins them.

"Don't talk that way about your ma," Barney says, not even sure why he's still defending his older sister. He sighs. "We all oughta get some sleep."

Alyx and Gordon lead the way--which Barney knows means she's about to hog his bed all night again. Cade falls into step beside her uncle, hands in her jacket pockets.

"Thanks," she says as they re-enter the base, heading for the dormitory. "For sticking up for me and Coal."

"Yeah," Barney sighs. "Sorry I can't do more."

But maybe he can.

Was Lauren the bad guy here, all along? No, she thinks, but it's definitely starting to seem like everyone thinks so. Like it's all her fault, one way or another, as usual!

She's been nothing but rational and level headed and realistic, now everyone's acting like the end of the world is her doing, somehow. Even Ed is pissed at her, which is not fair, not when she had his back and outright asked Barney to tone it down.

By the way, Barney's ignoring her now, which is fine. She doesn't care, as long as he's not hanging around her kids--but Lindsey had the nerve to tell her to apologize. As if she's the one who had anything to apologize for! This is just like when Barney totaled her Christmas Porsche, she thinks, only this time it's her kids he's trying to destroy.

Cade can still bear to be around her, at least, but she's not even sure what that's about. That girl is impossible for Lauren to read. She's more upfront when Coal is around--and when Barney's around, don't forget that--but Coal has been making himself scarce for ages.That's nothing new, he's always been reclusive, always drawing away from her.

Whatever. It doesn't matter, it doesn't affect her. It's not her problem! She's outside of the base right now, following the rebel girl, Alyx, Lindsey, Cade, and a couple of other rebels and refugees, learning how to set and clear traps. Real fascinating work, she's sure, but not her priority.

"Don't wander too far!" Alyx calls after her, as she heads for the edge of the wood. "Stay close!"

Like she's going to listen to some kid with a gun.

She walks through the woods, taking in the world. Out here, it's like nothing has changed. It's below freezing, but the sky is a brilliant, cloudless blue. The world is green and fresh and normal. So normal.

A twig snaps behind her, and she finds Cade following at a distance. They both stand still for a moment, waiting for the other to say something. Lauren turns and continues on her way. Cade follows again.

"What do you want," Lauren calls back to her, stopping again. Cade only stops when she's beside her mother. They're almost the same height; Lauren's always been the tallest of her siblings, and Cade and Coal inherited her height. Which she, in turn, inherited from Ed.

Cade looks her in the eye, saying nothing. "What?" Lauren sighs. "I'm not doing anything."

"You need to apologize to Barney," Cade says, and Lauren rolls her eyes hard. "Seriously, Lauren."

"For what?" Lauren asks, hand on her cocked hip.

"You know what," Cade says. Lauren rolls her eyes again.

"Asking him to try harder isn't exactly the worst thing I've ever done," Lauren informs her, turning to head back to the group. Cade stares after her, speechless, then hustles to catch up.

"If you think that he's--"

"Don't pretend to know what I think," Lauren says, as they approach the clearing.

"--influencing us somehow, you're nuts." Cade snaps, and Lauren rounds on her.

"You don't even know him," Lauren says, eyes cold. "He has always done this, always pushed his--agenda, he's always been this way, Cade. Pushing everyone, ruining everything--him and his little boyfriend both. Do you know he almost killed Ed? Twenty years ago."

Cade narrows her eyes as Lauren continues. "I don't want you or Coal around either of them. When we get to the new camp--"

"I'm not going to the new camp," Cade says. Lauren's eyes widen, her nostrils flare. "Coal and I have been talking--"

"You're going," Lauren says, voice warning.

"You can't make us go, we're adults--" She bites her inner cheek when Lauren slaps her, licks her lips carefully.

"You are not staying here. With them."

"Hey!" Alyx calls, from some twenty feet away. Lindsey's beside her, joyfully messing with a snare trap. "You guys comin back or what?" Cade steps past Lauren, heading towards the group, and Lauren grabs her arm.

"This conversation isn't over."

"It is," Cade says, yanking herself away. "I don't care what you think, and I don't care what you do, but I'd rather be with family than you."

Lauren's face pinches into a sour expression as Cade turns, jogging away from her to Alyx. She's gotta do something about those damn kids, one of these days.

Barney's eating breakfast when he hears footsteps behind him. He knows who it is without looking, swallows his food and sets his fork down as Ed sits on the bench beside him.

The two Calhoun men sit in silence for a minute, Barney gritting his teeth and holding his breath. "What's up, Ed." Amicable but neutral. Ed shrugs, doesn't say anything at first. He's out of the chair today, for now at least, and he's packed on a bit of his old weight since coming to White Forest. It's not hard to remember the imposing size he used to be. It's not hard to remember how scared he was, back then.

"When your ma passed," Ed says, then pauses to think. "Woulda been almost ten years ago... Anyway, she went out with a lot of regrets." Barney nods slowly, eyes on the table in front of his hands. "She always felt guilty, for your wedding. For a lot of things, I suppose."

But you didn't, Barney wants to say. He bites back the words, nods again.

"In the end she never got to say anything to you, but... She woulda wanted you to have this," Ed says, and sets a battered little ring box on the table. Barney stares at it. "I know it probably doesn't mean anything to you," Ed continues, as Barney carefully picks up the box, cracks it open to look at his mom's old ring, "but she always wanted one of her kids to have it, and... you always got the short end of the stick, didn't you." He sighs. "Woulda given it to Lauren, probably, but Jack's boy bought her a big enough diamond."

"Jack's boy?" Barney asks despite himself.

"Her ex," Ed says, not elaborating further. Dan? Ed's golden boy? File that one away for something to ponder later. Barney swallows, shutting the ring box. It's like his dad's actually... trying to apologize. "You can give it to Gordon if you want," Ed continues, "or that Alyx kid. Whatever you want to do with it, it's yours." He looks over at Barney, catches his eye. "Your mother loved you a lot."

Barney nods, feeling the lump building in his throat, the heat building behind his eyes. "I know, Dad."

Ed wraps an arm around his shoulders in an awkward, half hug, and Barney stiffens, trying not to break down in front of him. He's waited a long goddamn time for this, for his dad to hug him again, like he did when he was 16 and finally brought home a girl. Ed pulls away too soon, stands, and pats him on the shoulder as he leaves.

For the rest of the morning, Barney feels lighter. Unsure of what he's supposed to do now, but like he's carrying less of a burden. Ed's changed. In little ways, he's changed for the better, Barney thinks, rounding a corner and stepping through a door into another hallway.

"Hey, kiddo," he calls, approaching Alyx and Coal. They're sitting on a munitions box, huddled together, signing, and it takes him a minute to realize Coal is crying hard. His face is freshly bruised. Barney stops mid-stride, cold.

"Hi Barney," Alyx says softly, and Coal looks away. Barney curses softly.

"It's gonna be okay, Coal," Barney tells him, and his nephew shrugs, sucking in a shaky breath. "Two weeks, okay?"

"What's happening in two weeks," Alyx asks, then seems to remember. "Oh, the other camp..."

Barney nods, closing his eyes. "Sweetheart," he says finally, "I think it's time I told you what happened."

It takes Barney a good hour and a half to get through the whore story--from his childhood up until now, the thousand and one ways in which the Calhouns have brutalized him and Gordon. He leaves out the juiciest details, the things he doesn't think would be appropriate for her to hear, but the rest he forces himself to grit out; every beating, every bashing, every time Ed threw him out, kicked him while he was down, tried to kill him. He cries, remembering bringing Gordon home to his parents' house, waking up with a shotgun in his face; again when he tells her about their wedding, Ed's stranglehold on him.

"What are we going to do," Alyx asks, after he's been silent for a while. Barney takes a deep breath, rubbing his eyes. "He can't keep hurting people," Alyx presses.

"Honey. We're takin care of it."

"Are you going to kill him?" Alyx asks, and Barney lifts his head, fixing her with his gaze. Coal bites his lip, glancing back and forth between the two of them.

"Yes."

"I'm going to help," Alyx says, and Barney doesn't argue with her as she inches forward to hug him.

It's a bright, beautiful winter day when they leave White Forest for the other camp. Lauren, Lindsey, and their father are headed to their new home. The dream team--Gordon, Barney, and Alyx--and Lauren's kids have joined them for the trek, for protection. Nobody questions that very hard, not when Barney says that he wants to make sure his relatives get there safely and in one piece. It's not a terribly long trek, but with Ed in the wheelchair for most of the way, it'll probably take them a day and a half.

"It's beautiful out here," Lindsey says, trying to make conversation as they walk along. No one says a word in response. It's cold out, for sure, but there's barely any snow on the ground. Still, everyone seems to be in a sour mood.

They've barely been going for two hours when Ed starts complaining that he wants to stop. Barney pushes the group along a little further, telling him that you're not even walking, and only allows them to take a break when the sun is high in the sky.

Ed's muttering to Lauren about Barney, and he only catches a few choice words before he snaps back at him. "We have a long way to go, old man, and we can't all be pushed around in a chair the whole way. Unless you're gonna walk, I don't wanna hear a peep from you."

He's stressed. Everyone can see it; he's anxious to get this over with, and scared of what's going to happen when he does. What if he can't? What if he can't do it, clams up? What if instead of fight or flight he chooses fawn? Gordon takes him aside, holding onto him, his green eyes resolute.

They're going to finish this.

They make it about halfway before they have to stop again to set up for the night. Coal looks scared, the further along they go, and Barney's starting to worry he's going to blow their cover, spill his guts. Gordon seems to have the same thought, because he stands up from the fire, leads Coal away, signs to him with his back to the group.

They both come back with a look of finality in their faces.

On the morning of the second day, Coal takes over pushing Ed's wheelchair. Alyx goes on ahead, hurrying Lauren, Lindsey, and Cade along like a drill instructor, as Barney, Gordon, and Coal slow to a stop.

"What the hell is this," Ed snaps, "why're we stopping?"

Coal grits his teeth, and Gordon shakes his head. <Not on the trail.> He gestures towards the woods to their left.

"Ain'tcha tired, Ed?" Barney asks, flexing his hand. He takes over pushing for Coal, leading them off the trail and into the brush. "We thought you could use a break."

"What is this," Ed repeats, looking sharply back at him. "Boy, if you don't knock it off--"

"Don't call me boy," Barney warns him. Coal looks similarly furious, as Barney dumps Ed out of the chair and onto the ground. Ed glares, then starts to chuckle, as the three men stand over him.

"So you're all in on it. Good, good. You're a big man, Barney. Big enough man..."

Barney sneers at him. "Well, go on," Ed says, barking out a laugh, "finish it! Lord knows you'll need help," and he looks sharply at Coal as he says so, then to Gordon.

"I won't need any help for this," Barney says, voice low and level. "Gordon, get Coal outta here."

Coal protests, stammering and signing, but Gordon shakes his head, leading him away. <Tell the group we stopped to take a break. Buy us some time,> he insists, and Coal nods, shaking as he heads back towards the trail and the rest of their group.

Ed makes no move to stand, no pleas for his life as Barney draws his gun. "Go on then," he taunts. "Go ahead. I know you want to."

"Shut up," Barney spits.

"You ain't gonna do it, boy--"

"SHUT UP!"

"--you've always been a coward, and you're always gonna be that same, scared, little boy." Barney's hand shakes, and he grabs onto his wrist to try to steady it, but he's breathing so hard. He jolts, lowering his arm and turning away, into Gordon's hug.

"Coward!" Ed yells, "you weak piece of shit, finish it!"

Barney tries to look at him again, but Gordon's holding the back of his head, keeping him faced away. He takes the gun gently from Barney, taking aim at Ed as Barney squeezes his eyes shut.

"Even now, you need someone to do it for you, huh Barney," Ed drawls. Gordon turns his head, kisses Barney's cheek, and murmurs to him. He puts his finger on the trigger, and whatever Ed was about to say next, it goes unspoken under the noise of the gunshot.

Barney sobs, trying to turn to look, but Gordon covers his eyes, pulls him out of the clearing and back to the trail. Barney drops to the ground, shaken, as Gordon signs something to him, something about how he has to go do something--and then he's gone, back into the clearing.

Cade comes running a few minutes later, Alyx right behind her, holding her back. They both slow to a stop, spotting Barney on the trail.

"We... heard a gunshot," Cade says, just as Gordon steps back onto the trail, covered in yellow blood. "Where's Ed."

Gordon lies to her so easily, Barney thinks, watching him spin a story--they'd stopped to give Ed a break, stepped off the trail to use the bathroom, zombies had come out of nowhere, one had got Ed, there was nothing to be done but put him down. His hands don't shake, his eyes don't give anything away, and Cade just nods, lowering her gaze.

She wants to see the body, and Gordon allows her, tells Barney to stay. They return a few minutes later, Cade looking dazed. Lauren and Lindsey have circled back by then, and Coal with them. He looks relieved, like a weight's been pulled off of him, as Cade goes to hug him.

The group slowly gets moving again, leaving Ed in the clearing. Gordon takes Barney's hand, pulls him close, and murmurs to him, "it's over."

Barney's not crying when they reach the other camp. It's late afternoon, and he feels torn up inside, but he doesn't have any more tears to shed for that old bastard in the clearing. He will later, he knows. Later, in his room, he'll cry and wail and gnash his teeth and remember every blow, every word, every time the old man had ever hurt him, but for now...

For now, he knows things will be okay. Eventually. The first step to healing is to stop tearing into the wound, and with Ed dead, he can do that.

He looks over at Coal and Cade, eating their food. Cade is busy thinking, but Coal is laughing and signing with Gordon, more alive than Barney's seen him since...

His wedding? He supposes. Barney takes a bit of his granola bar, lifting his head again when Lindsey falls against him in a hug.

"What's that for," he asks quietly, half chuckling. She leans back, looking at him fondly. Her eyes crinkle in a smile.

"I'm proud of you."

Barney nods slowly, setting his food down. "So if you figured it out..."

"Your secret's safe with me," Lindsey says, and looks off into the fire. She smiles, inhaling, and lifts her eyes to the stars. "I almost wish I could come back with you guys tomorrow."

"You could," Barney says. "No one'd stop you."

"I know," she says, "but... I feel like it's time for me to move on." She doesn't elaborate, but Barney gets it somehow.

Come morning, the group of five gears up to head back to White Forest. Lauren is up, sitting by the firepit, embers glowing faintly. She gets up and follows after them, grabbing onto Cade's arm when she tries to pass by.

No one says anything for a long moment, as some kind of electric current passes between Lauren and her daughter. "You're really going back with these people?" Lauren asks finally. "You're not going to stay with me."

Cade pulls away, stepping closer to Coal and Alyx. Gordon puts a hand on her shoulder. "You're smarter than this, Cade, they killed Ed," Lauren says, half pleading. Her eyes are angry, burning, more emotive than Barney's ever seen her.

Cade gazes steadily back at her, lifts her chin a bit. "It was about time someone did."

Luaren's eyes narrow.

"I'm not staying with you," Cade says firmly. "I've made up my mind."

Lauren's gaze flickers to Barney, and she stares at him with such hatred. "You... you've always ruined things like this. You've destroyed my family." She pauses, nostrils flaring. "Say something."

"I got nothin to say to you," Barney chuckles, shaking his head.

"This isn't over, Barney."

"I gotta get my family home," Barney says. "You enjoy that victim complex, now."

"My victim complex," Lauren spits after him, "you mean like yours?"

Barney turns back to her, working his jaw in irritation. "Go ahead," he says, "you wanna talk, talk."

"You can't stand it when no one's looking at you, can you? Can't stand to be on the sidelines, so you martyr yourself, make up your sad little stories about how daddy hit you, mommy didn't love you, Lauren wouldn't protect you--you've always been that way. You act like we all got together and crucified you as a family, when all we've ever wanted was for you to quit acting so high and fucking mighty! Ed loved you and that was never gonna be enough for--"

"Shut UP, Lauren!" Barney yells back. "What do you want? You want me to admit that I killed Ed? Yeah! Sure! I'd do it again!" Gordon puts his hands up, trying to calm him, as Barney stalks towards her. "He was a horrible man, Lauren--"

"You gonna hit me, Barney?" she asks, and he flinches like he's been burned, recoils with hurt in his eyes.

"Coward," she sneers at him, and Barney can see so much of Ed in her that it hurts to meet her gaze. He turns away from her, starting for the exit to camp, as Gordon barely restrains Alyx from attacking Lauren.

They camp for the night, although Barney would love to just march on through till dawn, unstopping. He wants as much ground between himself and Lauren as he can get, but his knee is killing him, and the younger folks outnumber him four to one when they vote to stop.

He can't sleep, stays up keeping watch with Alyx half the night. She taps out when it's pitch black out, and Gordon wakes as if he's on a timer, settling in next to him.

<Are you okay,> Gordon asks, and Barney sighs. He mulls it over for a long time. Is he? No. He will be, at some point, someday, but right now? No.

"I... I don't wanna be like my old man, Gordon," he says, and chokes. "I don't wanna become him."

Gordon strokes his cheek, looking so sad. <You are nothing like E D,> he signs. <You're a good, kind, loving man. L A U R E N doesn't know shit about you.> He gestures to Cade and Coal, asleep a few feet away. <You are saving her kids, by getting them away from her. You're stopping the cycle.>

Barney closes his eyes and Gordon kisses him, holding him tight. "I love you," Barney says finally, and lets his husband lay him down to get some rest.

In small ways, the Calhouns never leave White Forest. They linger, like ghosts, streaks on the glass. A bad smell, or a good one. Barney's not sure how to remember his sister and his dad.

Cade's taken it well. Despite knowing that Barney killed Ed, the man who had always accepted her... She doesn't seem mad, and she doesn't seem to be hiding it. She's made friends with a handful of the other rebels, started joining them on watch, on missions, on outings. Her parents, her grandparents--they'd held her back, kept her grounded in so many of the same ways they had him, for so long.

Coal, too. Barney had forgotten what the kid had used to be like--and he's not the same as he was at age seven. But he moves, signs, laughs like he's had a switch flipped inside him, like there's a spring in his step. He's been helping to fix up junker cars with some of the rebels, and Barney's watched him speed off to test drive them a couple of times.

He's got to talk to Lindsey. Just once; her voice came over the radio, and he'd been lucky enough to be there to talk to her. She sounds happy, alive, and he doesn't remember the last time she was like that. At her wedding?

He'd passed the ring along to a rebel, Naomi, who'd been talking about proposing to her girlfriend. He didn't want the weight of the box in his breast pocket.

There's a different feeling there now, and it's a safe one, a comforting presence. He feels it when Alyx calls his name, when Gordon smiles at him, when Kleiner and Eli call out to him. It's how he thinks a family should feel, how it should have always felt. It took him until he was 21, sitting on the Freemans' couch, Rob holding him, to admit that it was wrong, that it might have been abuse, and sometimes that feeling creeps back into him. He remembers that last talk with Ed, when he'd apologized, and feels the sting of guilt--but he thinks of Coal and the feeling fades.

When he closes his eyes, he still sees the Freemans, still thinks of James. But it's not Texas he sees anymore, or even Seattle. Barney's here, because his family's here. White Forest is where his heart lives.

He's outside, smoking and watching Dog and Alyx play in the snow. It's cold in the shadows against the building, and as he stands there exhaling, Gordon approaches.

<Hi.> Barney nods to him, lifts a hand to return the greeting as Gordon steps up to him, grabs the cigarette away from his gloved hand and stubs it out. He allows himself to be dragged away from his smoking alcove, out into the bright light of early spring. Gordon squeezes his hand, and Barney squeezes back, pulling him to a stop to kiss him. Alyx comes running to dump snow on them both.

It's exactly how home should feel.

The railroad winds up through the White Wood,
I'll follow it home to your heart,
And though they may beat me, abuse and mistreat me
There's nothin can keep us apart.

Though they may beat me, abuse and mistreat me
I know you'll come back too, some day.

Lent

Part 5