yippee ki yay!

Barney Calhoun has never had a lot of friends. In school, he'd scraped by doing favors for other boys, but any links he'd had in his hometown had been decimated by his junior year of high school. He hadn't really made any connections in his two years of college, either. Maybe, he thought, it was because he was such a dumb guy. Had trouble reading a room. Maybe that was it.

'Course, now here he is, working security at Black Mesa, where everyone is smarter than him. It's definitely a bit isolating. Most of the guards are in their 30's and 40's, guys with girlfriends and wives and even kids, some of them. And families beyond that, parents who love them and come into town for visits, siblings who still speak to them.

It's not like Barney's jealous, or bitter, he's just kind of lonesome. It's tough to be the youngest guy among the guards, it's tough to be isolated, and it's not much easier being in the closet.

He's never been real good at staying in there, either, but he's doing his damndest now. He's gotta keep it under wraps this time, his shameful secret, or he'll lose the few guards that give him the time of day. And you really don't want to be the victim of a hate crime this far out in the desert.

It's Taco Tuesday, which is good news for everyone, better news for Barney. Taco Tuesday means that all the old labcoats get in line for the special, leaving the pizza line wide open. Pizza's only about Barney's sixth favorite food, but it's up there, it's good, and Black Mesa's cafeteria pizza is decent.

Barney walks into the cafeteria and makes a beeline for Welk's table. James Welk is a guard like him, a little older--mid twenties, big guy. Quiet. Never says a whole lot, and what he does say is gruff. James caps out at roughly twelve syllables, so Barney picks conversation topics carefully around him and says a lot of things that can be responded to with a nod or a head shake. If James runs out of words to say, it's game over; he'll just get up and leave.

"Hey," Barney says, settling in next to him. James nods silently. "You catch the X-files last night?" A headshake. Damn, that led to nowhere fast!

They eat in silence for a few minutes, and then James lifts his head, jerks his chin towards someone at the entrance to the cafeteria. "New guy."

Barney follows his gaze, squinting. All he sees is a bunch of old labcoats, a group of six of them exiting the dining hall. And then they pass by, and he spies the new kid.

He's tall. That's the first thing Barney notices, as the new scientist turns in place, looking for a place to sit. Glasses, goatee. The kind of facial hair he would look ridiculous growing out, but it works for this guy. Then he faces their direction, and Barney's caught in the gaze of the prettiest, brightest, greenest eyes he's ever seen.

His heart almost thuds out of his chest as James starts to stand, picking up his tray. "You leavin?" Barney manages to ask, and James shrugs.

"Gonna go call home."

"Okay, neat." He realizes he's staring, but it's a little late to look away, now that Mister Pretty Green Eyes has caught him doing so. Barney bites down on the inside of his cheek and swears. For the first time in his career at Black Mesa, he wants to talk to a scientist. This one, specifically.

He can guess what the newbie is feeling right now, looking for somewhere to sit in the packed cafeteria. His first day was only a year or so back, and he remembers that sinking feeling upon realizing that you've got no one to sit and eat with. James had been nice(?) enough to let him sit with him, jabber his ear off, so he'd gotten lucky...

He licks his lips and beckons kind of hesitantly at one of the chairs at his table. He knows the labcoat won't take it; scientists don't sit with dumb guards, it just ain't realistic. But then the scientist smiles and heads his way, and he's cute, he's cute, he's really cute.

He's got freckles and his smile is a little crooked and once again, Barney's struck by how green and beautiful his eyes are, and he hopes to god he's not staring, not blushing. He looks like a timid little thing, with his soft face and reddish hair.

The young scientist just beams at him, settles into the seat across from Barney. He's got a slice of cheese pizza and a little carton of milk on his tray (cute, cute.) He leans over and picks up his slice to take a bite.

"I'm Barney," Barney says, remembering his manners. "Barney Calhoun."

The scientist looks up, a strand of cheese connecting him to his pizza slice. He smiles, nods, and hands Barney his company ID to look at. His cute, awkward smile grins at Barney from the photo on the card. Gordon Freeman, Anomalous Materials, level 3 topside dormitories...

Barney hands it back to him. "So is today your first day?" Doctor Gordon Freeman shakes his head, holds up two fingers. "Oh, yesterday. Duh, yeah." Is he grinning too hard? He feels like he might be. He drums his fingers nervously on the table. "Uh, so, how are you liking it so far?"

Gordon gives a half shrug. "Cool, cool," Barney says. It's a lot like talking to James. Nods, shrugs, head shakes. Quiet guy. "Where are you from?" Barney asks, because it seems like the next polite thing to say. And are you single, or...

Gordon pauses in the middle of drinking his milk and pulls a slip of paper out of his labcoat pocket. There's a bunch of writing on it, from various angles; Gordon unfolds it and passes it over to Barney, his answers prewritten. My name is Gordon Freeman. I'm 25. I'm from Seattle, WA. I studied at MIT in Cambridge, MA and got my PhD at Insbruck University in Sweden. My thesis was titled 'Observation of Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen Entanglement on Supraquantum Structures by Induction Through Nonlinear--'

It just kind of goes on like that, for a full paragraph. Barney hands it back to him, feeling particularly stupid. He gets it, he's just a guard, this guy doesn't want to waste his breath explaining... Particles and beams, stuff like that.

But Gordon's looking at him with such excitement in his pretty eyes, like he's waiting for Barney to say something. Alright, he can take a hint.

"Physics, huh?"

Gordon nods.

"Cool." Another nod. "So, uh... Are you giving me the silent treatment here, or..?"

Gordon blinks, slowly, like he's shocked to even be asked that, and then his hands fumble and move and gesture, and it takes Barney entirely too long to realize that he's using sign language, not just moving his fingers for the sake of it. Oh. Oh jeez. He hadn't realized.

"I am so sorry," Barney groans, feeling like more of a dumbass than before. "I didn't realize--so are you deaf, or?"

Gordon's laughing, and it's such a soft, quiet sound. He shakes his head, points to his lips (soft and pink, Barney calm down,) and mouths one word. Mute.

Barney nods, swallowing hard. Awkwardness and communication aside, this guy is... something. He's not sure what yet, other than that he's really cute. Gordon turns his head to the side for just a second, and he catches sight of a little tiny ponytail at the nape of his neck.

Calm DOWN, Barney.

He finds himself talking without really saying anything. "I'm a guard. I mean, that's obvious, but--uh, I'm from Texas. Near Beaumont." Gordon's nodding, following him as he stumbles through the one-sided conversation.

Gordon unfolds the piece of paper he's got all his answers on, flips it over, and finds a blank spot to write something down in his tight, neat handwriting. Barney tries not to peek until he's finished writing and slides it over. What do you like to do outside of work?

"Oh, uh... you know, TV,X-files, video games... I used to ride horses," he finishes, trying to spice it up a bit. Gordon's interest seems piqued, though, because he's pulling the paper back to scribble away at it.

We should hang out sometime.

No way. Right? He's being messed with right now, right? Barney glances around, half expecting to see someone pointing and laughing at him for buying it.

"Uh," Barney says, and then clears his throat. "Yeah, that'd be good. Good. We should do that."

Where is your dorm? Gordon writes to him, and hands the pen over. Barney fumbles with it for just a second, then jots down his dorm information and room number.

"But uh, if you get lost, just ask any guard," he says, laughing kind of nervously. Okay, that's actually a scary thought, now that he's considering it, because if one of the other guards were to see him hanging out with a guy in his dorm...

But before he can redact it, Gordon nods and takes the paper back. He finishes off his milk, and Barney watches his throat bob as he swallows, but like. Not in a weird way, just a normal guy way. Sure. Gordon picks up his tray, giving a little wave, and then signs something to Barney; he throws a backwards peace sign, tapping the middle finger against his cheekbone, and flips it into a fingergun motion.

Barney is left to sink into his chair, heart pounding, face flushed. Shot through the heart, and Gordon Freeman is to blame.

After twenty straight years of education--between public school, undergrad, and then grad school--Gordon is ready for a break. He's tired, and he's only twenty five. He's had enough petty schoolyard drama, enough feeling left out by his colleagues and peers, and he's ready to get to work!

On his first day at Black Mesa, he slicks his hair back, ties his tie three times before he's satisfied with it, and makes sure that he's wearing matching socks. He's going to have a good day. He's going to have a great week! An awesome career lies before him, and he's going to do some cool stuff with it.

And it's not going to be anything like school.

He rides the tram, arriving early on his first day, and hurries to the lab to meet up with Dr. Kleiner. When he's introduced to the team he'll be working with, most of them just seem annoyed. Like he's a nuisance to have on board, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense considering he's just arrived--but the irritation is clearly there. He can kind of get it. Most of these scientists have spent decades in this field, chipping away at theories and tests, and here comes fresh faced twenty five year old Gordon to tag along for their important work. It probably feels like a slap in the face, being teamed up with him.

"I didn't realize we were getting an undergrad," one of the older scientists complains behind his back, and Gordon smiles, pulling out his notepad to jot down a rebuttal. Actually, I have a PhD from Insbruck--

The tenured researcher blows him off and walks away when he tries to hand over the piece of paper. Fine, that's fine. Gordon's been shunned before, he's used to it. He's the king of being shouldered out, he can handle it.

But when the other scientists realize he doesn't talk, the hammer comes down. "Really, how are we supposed to communicate with you?" one of the senior scientists snaps at him, "go make yourself useful!"

"With any luck, he won't be here long. I can't be learning a new language at my age."

Luckily, Kleiner isn't far away, and Gordon spends a lot of the first day making himself useful to his old mentor. He's supposed to be learning the ins and outs of the Anomalous Materials department, but he can always do that after lunch. He kind of wishes Kleiner had heard what some of the other scientists had been saying--he's positive Isaac would stand up for him, but he's so wrapped up in work...

The minute Gordon leaves Kleiner's work area, heading to his own desk (piled up with other peoples' junk, dusty around the computer,) the complaints start up again. Apparently, Gordon should be a lab tech assistant at most, so maybe we can put him to work on filing or something. The more tenured scientists see fit to dump their work off onto him, leaving him scribbling furiously as they all go to lunch.

So it's exactly like school. Got it.

It's just so reminiscent of every academic environment he's ever been in. Replace the old men with fourth graders, high schoolers, grad students, and it'll be the same. It's always been the same.

He barely sees Kleiner after lunch, busy as they both are with other work. Gordon's workload dwindles as the day drags on. He's fast. He won't be able to keep this pace forever, but he'll make it through the first day.

At 5:00, he's preparing to leave when one of the scientists tears into him for a misplaced number in a formula somewhere, and he's verbally reamed for a good ten minutes as the rest of the team stands about, watching. "Stay late if you have to!" the old man (he'll have to learn names someday, but not today,) barks at him; "I don't care, just fix it!"

Gordon nods, signing his apologies, and the scientist snaps at him again: "And enough with those rude gestures!"

So Black Mesa kind of sucks. Gordon looks for Kleiner, but he's long gone. He ends up staying another hour or so to fix his mistake and barely catches the last tram to his dorm. Tomorrow will be better. Different. He knows it. It was just first day jitters, just a little light hazing. Things will be okay.

That doesn't make him feel any less like crying when he falls into bed.

Tuesday morning is slightly more bearable, though. Doctor Eli Vance introduces himself, apologizes for not knowing sign language, and asks him to please write things down so that they can go over an experiment he's been working on. Gordon breathes a little easier that morning, now that there's one more person on his side. Easy does it, Gordon, just take your time, people will come to like you. You're likable, right?

He makes it to lunch this time, although he does nearly get lost on the way to the cafeteria. By the time he reaches it, the line for the special is long and winding. It's fine, he can do pizza--but at the other end of the short pizza line, where he's snapped at for pointing out what he wants rather than speaking, is a terrifying sight. The dining hall, packed with people, bustling with noise. Gordon steps into the hall, looking desperately for somewhere to sit, somewhere he won't be talked to or snapped at. The longer he stands there, the less he wants to sit anywhere. He's starting to seriously consider eating in the bathroom or the hallway.

As he's turning in a slow circle, looking for just a single place to sit, he locks eyes with someone. A security guard, seated at an otherwise empty table. He expects the guard to look away, but instead they maintain eye contact, until the guard beckons him over to have a seat.

"I'm Barney. Barney Calhoun," the guard introduces himself as Gordon takes his first bite of (surprisingly decent) pizza, and Gordon blinks at him, hands over his company ID. Barney looks it over a minute before handing it back. "So is today your first day?"

Barney kind of fumbles through some small talk--who is Gordon to judge, though, right?--until Gordon passes over his prewritten note for him to read. As Barney looks over Gordon's handwriting, the latter gets a good look at him. A soft, round face, stubbly. Black hair, mussed up from being under a helmet all day, and pretty eyes. Gordon leans in, looking closer at him--bilateral heterochromia?--and sits back when Barney's passing the paper back over.

"Physics, huh?" Barney chuckles, and Gordon nods. "Cool." Another nod, and then Barney asks that million dollar question. "So, uh, are you giving me the silent treatment, or...?"

Oh. Gordon fumbles with his hands for a minute, forgetting that no, this guy's not going to understand him. No one does, no one just happens to know a language like that, not for him. <I'm sorry, no, I didn't mean to be rude. It's been easier to communicate by writing things down since yesterday, since nobody knows ASL... including you, probably.>

"I am so sorry," Barney groans, and Gordon can see that he's figured it out. "I didn't realize--so are you deaf, or...?"

Gordon laughs, shaking his head. Mute, he mouths, and Barney nods and licks his lips. He's cute, Gordon decides. Handsome. For the most part, the guards he's seen up until now are middle aged, or thirty at the least, so to see someone else who's young and green is refreshing.

Barney tells him that he used to ride horses (and it's easy enough to picture him as a cowboy on horseback) and that he likes the X-files, which Gordon hasn't seen but is familiar with. His dad likes that show. He starts writing again before he can think to stop himself, and shoves the paper back over, face warm.

We should hang out sometime.

To watch the X-files, mind you! Gordon yanks the evidence back quickly as Barney answers in the affirmative, "Uh, yeah, that'd be good. Good. We should do that." This is a bad idea. This is a dumb idea. Besides the obvious--is Gordon just supposed to write down every single thought that comes into his head? His hand will cramp up--there's that which is less so... The chances of finding another single gay man at Black Mesa, especially in his age range, are insanely low, and Gordon knows that. He's a smart guy. His diploma says so.

His hand shakes a bit as he writes to ask Barney for his dorm info, and then he hands the pen over so that Barney can write it down for him. And he actually does, to Gordon's surprise. It's got to be a joke. He's going to show up and find out that the room number is a broom closet, but for now, he can dream his stupid little dreams.

Gordon slams his milk back and stands, gathering up his tray. Barney watches him. <See you later.> Gordon signs, and then hurries away fast before he can embarrass himself any further.

Relax, Gordon, it's just X-files.

Barney runs most of the way back to his dorm. Even on the tram, he sits and jiggles his leg in place, full of wildly fraying nerves. When's the last time he was this excited? Woulda been a long time ago, that's for sure.

He jams the key into his lock and flips the light on in his dorm. It's kind of a wreck. His bedding is all over the place, spilling onto the floor. He's not even sure when he last washed his sheets, just that they're wrinkled and need to go away. More laundry across the room, in a heap on the floor, and he's got empty beer bottles lined up, balanced atop his TV.

Okay, so it's a big wreck. He's got to get it tidied before his guest comes over.

There's a knock at his door, and Barney almost screams. One of the other guards, Graham, swings his door open, peeks in at him as he neurotically gathers up garbage and laundry, stuffing it all out of sight, out of mind. "Hey, Calhoun. Few of us are going out for some drinks, you coming?"

"No, nah," Barney says, quickly stripping his bed of sheets.

"Hey, you cleanin' your place up, huh? Got a hot date coming over?" the guard teases, and Barney sucks in a deep breath: inhale, hold it, exhale.

"Yeah, uh... no," he says firmly, coming back to his senses. "No, just uh... Wanted to clean up."

"Okay," the other guard says, eyebrow raised. He's leaning in the doorway, just watching Barney kick laundry aside.

"Maybe I'll catch up with you guys later--I just gotta get this place clean."

"Sure," Graham laughs, bemused. "See you later then."

He's making his bed with fresh sheets when the realization of what he's doing hits him, nearly bowls him over. Why is he, as a man, so excited to have another man over? It's not like he's expecting anything, but--that's just the problem, isn't it? He's been so careful, for so long, to keep it quiet, keep it secret, keep it safe. He's tried so hard to be a normal guy, and now he's got some stupid... crush, yeah, he can say it. Gordon's cute. But he's also guaranteed to be straight. No way in hell God would ever let Barney meet someone nice and gay. And if he actually comes over here, all the other guards are going to find out, and Gordon's going to laugh at him, and they're all going to point and have a chuckle as he throws himself off the cliffs and into the canyon.

Just rational, normal, well-adjusted guy thoughts. Barney sits down on the end of his bed, puts his head in his hands. He can't very well ask Gordon not to come over--and he doesn't want to, he wants Gordon to come watch X-files with him, but like...

He knows he can't just be normal. He's never normal about these kinds of things. It's not in his nature. He's going to do something that will make Gordon realize what a queer he is, and then Gordon is going to tell everyone at Black Mesa, and again, he's going to go over the edge of the canyon to his death.

Barney flops back onto the bed with a sigh. Why would Gordon want to hang out with a guy like him, anyway? Cause he was nice once? Hell, it's not even guaranteed that Gordon will show. It's pretty obvious he's out of Barney's league... to be friends. His friend league.

Can't stop a guy from hoping, though.

He gets his place halfway presentable before the next knock comes at his door, and barely manages not to trip and fall on his face when he goes to answer.

Gordon's not nervous. That's a lie, but if he can convince himself of it, maybe it'll be true. This part of the dorms is apparently reserved strictly for guards, and he feels out of place passing so many of them on his way to Barney's room. Like he's intruding on some hallowed ground, or trespassing and about to get written up for it.

He makes it to Barney's room, or at least the room number he was given, and knocks softly--then, realizing that Barney probably wouldn't have heard him, pounds on the door. There we go.

He stopped by his own dorm before heading over, to change out of his work clothes. Not into anything too casual, mind you, but more business casual than business... business. He still looks nice, he thinks, in his subtly-patterned button down, top button undone. Nice and presentable for an average guy night of watching X-files.

Barney opens the door, still in his guard uniform, sans vest. His dorm is suspiciously tidy for a single guy. Gordon tries not to let his face fall too much.

"Hey, sorry," Barney says, stepping back to let him in. "I was just cleaning up... uh, you can have a seat anywhere, make yourself comfy. Do you want a drink? Shoot, I forgot to get changed."

Gordon nods at the offer of a drink and sits himself down at one end of the couch. Barney's rustling around behind him, and by the time he comes around with two beers in hand, he's changed his shirt. He hands one beer off to Gordon and sits down at the opposite end of the couch.

Oh. Uh. Okay.

It's a pretty clear "not interested" indicator, and Gordon thinks he takes it well. He takes a sip of beer, looking anywhere but at Barney. His room is neat. Lived in. He's got posters up, books about UFOs and conspiracy theories lying about.

"So," Barney says, clearing his throat. "You, uh... you have a good day?" He seems to wince at his own awkward start, then forges ahead. "I mean, how's work so far? Any big breakthroughs?"

Gordon forces a smile, shakes his head. "What're you guys studying in your department, anyway?" Barney asks, and Gordon sets his beer aside to start writing, scribbling away for several minutes before he hands Barney the notepad with a big chunk of text on it.

Barney reads it, nodding, and hands the notepad back. "Cool," he says, and Gordon beams. He does love his work, even if some of his coworkers leave some to be desired. Barney turns away, hiding a smile behind his hand. "So, obviously you're just comin' into this project, but--how far along are they?"

Gordon scribbles out another answer, and Barney reads over it again, humming softly to himself. "So probably not for a few years, huh?" he surmises, and Gordon shakes his head sadly. "Any, uh... well, I mean, do you know if there are any aliens involved?"

Gordon laughs. He shakes his head, clicking the pen to think of his answer.

Not that I know of, but there's always a chance. Barney nods, holding onto the notepad for a moment longer this time before handing it back.

"So, you wanna watch some X-files? How much have you seen?" Barney asks, standing to approach the TV. He looks back at Gordon for an answer, accepts the notepad again.

I've never seen it.

"You are in for a treat, Gordon Freeman," Barney informs him, turning the TV on, and then a VCR player. He pops a tape in and sits back on the couch, then curses softly. "Didn't rewind...."

They sit in silence for a solid couple of minutes as the tape rewinds in the VCR. Barney presses play, and the X-files begins from season 1, episode 1.

It is, as Gordon soon learns, mostly about aliens and conspiracies. Barney glances over at him every couple of minutes, starting as soon as the show begins, and Gordon tries not to smile. It's cute how excited he is to share this. David Duchovny comes onscreen as Fox Mulder and Gordon looks away, feels his face go warm, just as Barney looks over to gauge his reaction.

Oops.

He's formulating an excuse in his head; maybe he can pretend to be a lightweight, but that seems like it will only lead to being teased, and he doesn't want that right now. Barney bites his lip, still looking over at him, as if he's thinking of saying something.

The moment passes. The show plays on.

Near the end of the first episode, Barney hops up to grab each of them another beer. Gordon relaxes minimally, pulling his legs up on the couch. He squeaks in surprise when Barney presses a cold beer bottle to his neck.

Barney chuckles softly, sitting back down with his beer, as Gordon rubs the goosebumps on his neck. <Mean,> he signs, <rude.> Barney just grins, watching the second episode start.

"Hey," Barney says, halfway through the second episode. They've both gotten comfier on the couch, creeping towards the center. "Question..."

Gordon nods.

"Do you, uh... you think you could teach me sign language?"

Gordon blinks at him, a little confused. Why, he writes on his notepad, and it's Barney's turn to look bewildered.

"I mean, isn't writing everything out a pain in the neck? It would be easier if I could just speak your language..."

Gordon's torn two ways on that. On the one hand, it's kind of... endearing? Flattering? Exciting, the prospect of having someone to actually talk to? On the other...

This isn't the first time someone's said they want to learn, and it's not going to be the last. There will always be some classmate, some coworker, some fair weather friend who thinks they want to pick up a second language for him, only to give up after a day, a week, a month. People stop showing up. People stop trying. People lose interest.

And sure, maybe Barney's legitimately interested in learning right now, but the novelty will wear off, and then Gordon will be alone again with his notepad.

He nods anyway, because he's desperate, and takes a swig off his beer.

When the second episode is over, to his surprise, Barney stops the tape. "Okay, so... Where do we start?" he asks, bright eyed and excited. Gordon finds himself staring at him. Is he serious, or...

But Barney's gaze doesn't falter, and so Gordon slowly, hesitantly dips his feet into the waters. He walks him through the alphabet a few times, watching Barney the whole time. This is as far as some people have gotten. Finger spelling. He won't be surprised when Barney gets bored, he tells himself. He won't get his feelings hurt.

"Hold on a sec," Barney says, and hops up to go get another drink. He comes back with water for both of them. "I want to actually remember some of this tomorrow."

So Gordon decides to see how far they'll go. Sign language chicken. He runs Barney through basic greetings, writing each sign's meaning down in his notepad, pointing words out as he signs them. If nothing else, Barney is eager, and he asks questions.

<HELLO, I'M B A R N E Y C A L H O U N,> he signs, fingerspelling his name, and Gordon snorts hard, grabs onto his hands to stop him. He lingers for just a moment, giggling.

"What? What'd I do wrong?"

Gordon's laughing too hard to write it down at first, but he gets it out after a minute. You are yelling at me. Don't bounce your hands.

"Oh," Barney says sheepishly, looking down at his hands, trying not to think about how soft and warm Gordon's were around them. "So you mean I shouldn't go yelling at everyone I sign to, huh."

Gordon snorts again, signs <no.>

Barney's enthusiasm is infectious, and time passes them by quickly. "Damn, it's late," Barney sighs, after Gordon's finished running him through some (very basic) back and forth. Gordon glances back at Barney's clock radio and sighs, nodding. He should get back to his own dorm, get some sleep for tomorrow.

"Uh, hey, can you..." Barney trails off. "Could you maybe teach me some swears?"

<What?>

"Teach me all the bad words. I wanna raise some hell."

Gordon laughs again, shaking his head, but he's already writing out every curse word he can think of to teach him before he heads back. They're at it for another good forty five minutes after that, signing insults and curses. Barney knows some creative ways to be rude, says it's just part of being Southern.

It's close to midnight when Gordon signs that he should get back to his dorm and Barney nods, yawning. "Hey, you want me to walk you back?" he offers, and Gordon shakes his head, jots down that's not necessary.

"Hey, it can be easy to get lost in this place," Baney points out, "and the trams don't run all night." Gordon bites his lip, reconsidering.

<Okay.>

They head out together, Barney leading the way. As they're leaving the dorms where Barney lives, a handful of guards walk past them, drunk and rowdy.

"Hey, Calhoun!" one of them calls, and Barney looks over. "You should've been there, man, it was insane..."

"I thought you had a hot date coming over," Eric interrupts, and Barney shakes his head.

"Dude, you never come out with us," Johnny complains, leaning heavily on Graham.

"Well, he had a hot date," Adam says, gesturing to Gordon, and the group laughs, raucously, uncomfortably.

"Funny," Barney says. "Hey, the good news is, if your aim gets any worse at the range, you've got a backup career in comedy!"

Adam goes quiet at that, and Emmett and Graham slap him on the back.

Gordon is quiet as they continue on, uncomfortable. Barney doesn't blame him. Most of the guys he works with are... Well, a handful of the guys he knows around here are alright, but there are always going to be some people who can't keep their mouths shut. They walk mostly in silence, Barney stewing and Gordon lost in thought.

"Sorry about those guys," Barney says finally, as they're nearing the topside dormitories where Gordon lives. "They, uh... well, you get a few drinks in some guys and they start thinking they're real hilarious."

<It's fine,> Gordon signs. But Barney knows it's not, it's definitely going to hang over them if he doesn't clear it up.

But it's also not safe to clear it up. What's he supposed to say? Hey, by the way Gordon, I realize you just spent about five hours in my bedroom, but I'm gay. That'd go over real well. And it's selfish, but he has a little tiny stupid crush, and he doesn't want to blow any chance he has of spending time arond Gordon by telling him the truth. He doesn't want to lie either, and say oh, don't worry Gordon, I'm not gay! You know. Just in case.

Barney just nods, chewing on the inside of his cheek, and Gordon takes the lead. He recognizes the area they're in now, apparently. "Oh, so you live in the nice dorms," Barney surmises, and Gordon gives him a wry smile. "I mean it, you guys have a pool and everything..."

Gordon signs something in response, but Barney's not sure what he's saying.

"We should do this again," Barney says. "I mean, obviously I have a lot more to learn, but we should watch some more X-files too." Gordon nods, face lighting up.

"I'll keep practicing," Barney promises him, leaving him at his door. "We can get together again... Whenever you want, really. I mean, I'm usually free after my shift." He clears his throat. "Or we could eat lunch together again, if you have time."

Gordon just keeps nodding.

"Okay, cool," Barney says. "Cool. See you later then."

Gordon is not 'in the closet.' But in a new place, around all new people, he's not exactly ready to be out and proud or anything.

And judging purely on how those guards were joking around, it's not really safe to be out, not out here in the middle of nowhere, and that thought is kind of maybe a little scary. Even if he's not a loud person, he's never had to keep himself a secret before, but...

Well, it seems like that's just how shit is in Black Mesa.

And sure, Barney had kind of said something about it, but he's a young guy. Only 20, per their conversation that first night, and Gordon knows how young straight guys are.

It doesn't matter, though, he tells himself, stepping into the cafeteria once more. He's not so desperate for friends that he'd fall for the first guy to smile at him, and he won't put up with any kind of behavior. Behaviors will simply not be tolerated.

Besides, Barney will lose interest fast.

He looks over at where he'd sat with Barney the day before, and nearly drops his tray. Barney's there, and another guard. Barney is running through the alphabet, apparently teaching the other guy what he himself has just learned. The bigger guard sitting with him is following along, but Barney's faster than him.

"Gordon!" Barney calls, startling him out of his thoughts, and Gordon looks again to find he's being waved over. The bigger guard starts to stand, even as Barney starts trying to quickly introduce him. "Hey, Gordon, this is James Welk. James, Gordon Freeman." James gives Gordon a little nod, then walks off towards the exit.

Awkward.

"Don't take that personal," Barney says as Gordon sits down, placing his tray on the table. "He's a man of few words, and he uses most of those words to call his brother on his lunch break." Gordon smiles, and Barney signs to him. <How are you today?>

Gordon blinks. He's not sure when he taught Barney that; granted, they did drink a couple of beers last night, but...

You've been practicing, he writes, and Barney looks away from the note sheepishly.

"Uh, yeah, I picked up some books... Did you know this place has a library?" he says, and then signs. <How is work going?>

<Good,> Gordon signs. <We're recalibrating the anti-mass spectrometer based on some new calculations and the specs of the current sample, so it should be exciting to see what happens.> Barney stares at his hands, then glances up at his face in bewilderment, and Gordon laughs. <Sorry,> he signs, and jots down what he'd signed.

"Oh! You'll have to let me know how it works out, or if you meet any aliens..." Barney says, cheeks pink. Gordon nods, taking a bite of his lasagna. "Hey, so... I know this is a little soon, and if you're busy I get it, but some of the guards are having a little get together at our dorms this weekend, so if you... want to go, I could. You know. Get you in." He's smiling.

Gordon considers it for a long moment. On the one hand, he would really like to go. With Barney. He'd like to go with Barney to do something fun like that, and it would be good to meet some more people, but...

But after being the butt of homophobic joking at the hands of the guards he'd met last night, Barney's friends, he's not sure he'd be welcome there. And if he's not going to be welcome, he doesn't want to go.

"It's Friday, at 6:30," Barney says, "so you could... Think about it? If you're interested."

Gordon is not good at lying, or letting people down gently. He just nods.

They spend lunch together Thursday too, but Gordon's too busy with work to hang out over the next couple of nights. He'd promised to think about going to the guard party coming up. "It'll be a casual thing," Barney had told him, "some beers, some food. Think about it."

Friday, Gordon doesn't come to lunch, and Barney feels his heart sink in his chest. He came on too strong. He knows it. If he had just dialed it back a biiiiit more, kept himself a little further in the closet, Gordon would have stuck around, and now everything's ruined.

"Bad mood, huh," James asks him, and Barney sighs and sinks down in his seat.

In terms of the buddy system--that's not what Black Mesa calls it, Black Mesa calls it dual control partners, but whatever--James is his buddy. They work together when it's unsafe or unwise for a guard to go alone. And when the facility can spare staff. They spend much of the afternoon working on an electrical issue that they both know is above their pay grade and beyond the scope of their employment contracts, but what are they supposed to do? The boss says jump, so they jump.

They're both frustrated by the time they finish stuffing wires back into the panel, a haphazard mess, and close it back up. Barney's holding the flashlight--the easy job, because he won the coin toss--as James flips the switch to return power to the area.

Nothing happens.

"Oh dammit," Barney groans, "seriously?"

James huffs, flipping the breaker back and forth a couple times. "Let me try," Barney insists, doing the same thing with no results. "Damn. You got a watch?"

James holds his wrist out, and Barney shines his flashlight on it to see the time. "Fuck, it's almost six... we seriously aren't gonna get out of here on time."

"Don't worry, they'll fix our timecards," James says dryly, and Barney laughs despite himself.

"Alright, this time you hold the flashlight, I'll fuck with the wires. Deal?"

Gordon is not sure what to do with himself in this situation. Barney had said 6:30, hadn't he? At the guard dormitories? Because Gordon's there now, and there sure is a party going on, but Barney's not there.

And he's starting to feel pretty foolish, standing around in his work clothes while guards mingle and eye him strangely. There aren't any other scientists at the casual get together, which is kind of weird. Is there some kind of rule about scientists being in the guard dorms and vice versa?

It just feels awkward, standing at the fringes of the group, holding a beer and not really drinking it. Where is Barney? He wasn't in his dorm, or at least he didn't answer his door when Gordon knocked. The answer is clear, but Gordon doesn't really want to think about it too hard...

Okay, so he's being stood up. Okay! He can accept that, and he can take it gracefully. He sips his beer, trying not to look too miserable, as one of the guards comes over to talk to him.

"You're friends with Calhoun, aren't you?" the guard asks. Gordon kind of recognizes him from the other night, one of the group that they'd passed on their way to his dorm. He's not sure how to answer that, but there's not really an easy way to convey "it's really complicated and a long story" without writing, signing, or speaking, so he just nods.

"Cool," the guard says, taking a drink of his beer. "Good for him. I'm Graham, by the way." Graham swirls the beer around in his bottle, thinking. "Yeah, Barney's not like... a bad guy to be around."

"Except for that one little detail," another nearby guard snorts. Graham chuckles.

"Yeah... and that's a big one. You be careful around him." He downs the rest of his beer and turns to go get another, leaving Gordon with one eyebrow raised.

The other guard tries talking to him for a couple of minutes, only to become angry when he realizes Gordon isn't talking back. "Why'd you even come if you're just going to ignore us?" he asks, raising his voice. Gordon fumbles for his notepad, but the guard is already stalking away, muttering "fucking whitecoats."

Okay, cool, this party is bad!

He's just heading out when he hears his name. Gordon glances over his shoulder, glowering, as Barney approaches. He's got soot on his face, and a couple little burns on his uniform shirt. James trails after him, looking similarly battered and burnt as he stops to get a beer.

Gordon's more curious than he is mad about being stood up. "Have you been waiting long?" Barney asks, and he nods, trying not to pout about it. "Sorry," Barney sighs, "James and I were trying to clean up some electrical thing, there was a fire--it was a whole mess."

<It's okay,> Gordon signs with a sigh. Barney beams at him, excuses himself to go grab them a couple of beers, and comes back to hand one off to him. Gordon passes him the notepad in return, having written his question down already.

"How'd I start a fire? Well--I mean, it's not really my fault that the electrical in this place is fuck--messed up," Barney says, handing the notepad back. "We were just trying to fix a short, and someone did it wrong, so..."

Gordon points at him, eyebrows raised, smiling. "No, no, it wasn't me," Barney protests. "I mean, okay, technically there wasn't a fire until after I messed with the wires, but..." He stops himself, flushing bright red as Gordon laughs. "Uh. So yeah. But we got the fire put out, s-so..."

Gordon grins at him, taking a sip of his beer.

James joins them for a bit, and says all of about twenty words over the next twenty minutes, which Barney says is "a helluva lot for that guy." Gordon's starting to feel a bit better about it, enough so that after James is gone and Barney invites him to come hang out in his dorm for a while, he nods. Barney grabs them a couple more beers before they slip down the hall to his dorm room.

Barney unlocks the door to let them in, and the two of them settle in on his couch again, drinking their beers quietly. "So," Barney says after a few minutes, "I didn't want to bother you if you didn't want to, but..." Gordon raises an eyebrow.

<Now we practice sign?> Barney asks him, and Gordon takes a minute to consider, then nods.

The pages of his notepad quickly fill up with more vocabulary and phrasing he wants to teach Barney. Barney, who has clearly been practicing in his free time, because he's better than a beginner should be. That's shocking, not because Gordon doesn't think he should be so fast, just...

Why is he still trying? He's not that interesting of a guy to talk to. Hell, the guards outside are probably way better company than him, and they're all easier to communicate with.

So why bother? Why go to all the trouble of practicing a second language just for him?

<Fuck sign,> Barney asks him, and Gordon jolts, laughing despite himself. Barney furrows his brows to ask again. <What's your fuck sign?>

He's trying not to laugh but it's funny, damnit.

<Name,> Gordon signs, wheezing as he shows Barney the sign. Similar to 'fuck,' but not quite! <Gordon.> He shows Barney how to sign his name, and watches Barney repeat it to himself, over and over.

Ulterior motive. There has to be one, somewhere.

The problem is this: it doesn't matter why Barney's trying to cozy up to him and get friendly. He's falling for it either way. It's hard not to; Barney's handsome, and funny, and his country boy twang is so wonderful to listen to, and he bounces his hands when he signs just like every other beginner.

He should know better, Gordon thinks. He's a smart guy. He's a scientist! He should be making a spreadsheet to figure out what Barney wants from him, but he can feel himself falling anyway. He likes Barney, even if he is up to something.

They have a good Friday night together, Barney thinks. They drink a little, sign a lot, and although Gordon won't let him walk him back home this time, he thinks the evening ended on a pretty good note, laughing and signing see you later at each other.

It's good! Things are good!

He and James hang out for part of the weekend, mostly sitting in James' dorm room in front of his fan. It's damn hot, even in the dorms, and the AC manages to be busted for the whole weekend.

James is a cool guy to hang around. Sure, he never says anything, but Barney knows he's just shy, and at least he has good taste in video games. Plus, he's never said anything homophobic, at least not in front of Barney.

He thinks it's a little like having an older brother.

It makes sense, though, that James wouldn't say anything like that. Barney happens to know his older brother, Tom, who runs a queer youth crisis program in Houston. Got Barney's ass out of hot water, once or twice before.

"We should go swimming," Barney complains, laying on the floor in front of the fan. James sighs loudly from his spot on his bed, reading.

"Why."

"It's hot!" Barney sits up. "I read this book a couple weeks back about global warming--we're supposed to just get hotter and hotter over the years until the sun kills us all."

"Oversimplifying it," James informs him, and then doesn't say anything else on that topic. Damnit, he's almost used up his words! "No pool anyway."

"There's a pool in the topside dorms," Barney points out, and James just snorts. "What? You afraid of some labcoats? They won't say shit if we go to the pool. It's like 120 in here."

James rolls his eyes and goes back to reading. Barney will have to goad him into it some other time.

The weekend drags by in a haze of heat. On Sunday night the AC suddenly starts working again, and Barney can rest easy at last.

Monday morning, he's got a spring in his step. Not because of work, fuck work, but because he's going to ask Gordon for his cell number at last. It's not too early for that, right? They've hung out a couple times now. Now they'll be able to text.

He heads to lunch on time and sits down in his usual seat, at the usual table. James joins him partway through lunch, eating his pizza and allowing Barney to bounce sign language off of him for practice.

Gordon doesn't show up to lunch.

...That's fine, Barney decides. They'll see each other Tuesday.

Or Wednesday, he thinks, come Tuesday afternoon.

Thursday, for sure.

Friday?

The week passes without Gordon showing up at all, and Barney's starting to feel insane. Okay, so he'd come on too strong again. By... by doing what? He doesn't get it, what he's done wrong to be ghosted like this.

He has half a mind to show up at the Anomalous Materials lab and ask him, but he's also scared. What if Gordon's reason for disappearing all week is I didn't want to be around you? He doesn't remember Gordon's dorm room number to go check in on him, and he doesn't have his damn cell digits yet.

"Do you think it's possible for two men to be just friends," Barney asks from the floor of James' room, feeling desolate on the next Saturday morning. James just stares at him like he's said something stupid.

So he'd gotten himself a little addicted to Gordon. And? So he's going through withdrawals, so what? He'll get over it, he tells himself. It's not like he hasn't had his heart hurt before, worse than this.

For now, he'll just keep practicing. Sign language is still a good thing to learn, and who knows. Maybe he's jumping to conclusions.

It starts first thing Monday.

Gordon's running late, which isn't really like him. But he's overslept, and barely makes it to the tram on time.

"Where's your company ID?" The guard at the gate asks, and Gordon reaches for it, pats his chest, looking for it. No, really, where is it? The guard kind of smirks, watching him pat his pockets. Fuck. He knows where it is, back in his dorm on his bed.

The guard just stands there, watching him. Gordon pulls a pen out of his shirt pocket and jots down a sheepish note to show to him.

I forgot it in my dorm.

"You forgot it," the guard says flatly, and Gordon winces. He's never been late late, and he's kind of nervous about what kind of consequences that might bring about. "Well, don't let it happen again."

And just like that, he's in Black Mesa, no problem. He punches in and heads for Anomalous Materials, where errands upon errands are handed off to him to deal with. Gordon doesn't mind; it gives him something to do while he drinks his first cup of coffee, running this form here and that folder there, but...

The guards seem to have it out for him. The guy at the gate had been nice enough, letting him pass without his ID, but every other security guard in the labs sees fit to take issue with that, throughout the day.

It starts off just as it always does. Jokes and jabs. A guard in the hall near Anomalous Materials stops him and asks for his badge, and when Gordon can't produce one, he starts joshing around.

"What, you forgot it?" he asks, and Gordon nods. "I can't let you through here without it, you know. But, uh... Maybe you can change my mind, if you know what I mean." He winks, and then laughs at his own joke, and Gordon gives a weak chuckle in response, feeling shaky. Seriously, what the hell?

He spends a good half an hour in Dr. Kleiner's lab, discussing the project with him and Dr. Vance. Eli Vance is a good man, Gordon thinks, watching him fumble through fingerspelling <anti-mass spectrometer.> He's willing to learn for his work, and his colleagues. Isaac Kleiner knew ASL before he met Gordon, but he's also a great man.

Naturally, his thoughts wind up back at Barney, and for a moment he feels guilty for doubting him. Maybe he just genuinely wants to be friends, or to make him feel welcome. That would definitely be a first for Gordon. He remembers clearly being at MIT, sitting with a group of people working on a project together, when one of them had mentioned a party that they were all invited to--except...

"You don't need to come, Gordon. No one would be able to understand you anyway."

Story of his life! So maybe he's just been a little untrusting with Barney. Maybe he should let the guard reach out and take his hand. And maybe hold it a little.

He notices it again, though, when he's leaving Kleiner's lab to head to Caulfield's office. A guard, leaning against the wall, straightens up and starts following him. Gordon's already got his notepad ready with his I forgot my ID badge, my name is Gordon Freeman, anomalous materials note written down.

Then a second guard joins in. They're just following him through the hallways, and Gordon might have been able to ignore just one, but two guys strolling along behind him in silence is a little creepy. The back of his neck prickles with electric energy. This isn't normal, he's sure of that. He almost stops in the middle of the hallway to hand over his note, but the thought of facing them scares him a little... Maybe a lot.

He's not actually sure why the guards intimidate him so much. It might be because they're older than him, armed, and wearing kevlar as they stalk after him down the empty hallways. Maybe that's it. He's being irrational, but the thought of one of them pulling a pistol on him is there.

He ducks into a bathroom and hurries into a stall, latching the door behind himself. Okay, take a breath, Gordon. No one can follow you here.

Two pairs of boots stop outside of his stall, and Gordon holds his breath. Maybe they'll get bored. Maybe they'll forget that he's here. They can't possibly just hang out in the bathroom their whole shift, waiting for him to come out.

One of them knocks on the door, and Gordon jolts, stumbling back. This isn't normal, this isn't normal!

"Open up," one of the guards drawls, and Gordon gulps. He's not going to do it. He can wait them out. They start banging on the stall, and Gordon all but cowers as the guards laugh and order him to open the door.

"Kick it in," the other guard suggests, and Gordon scrambles to unlock the stall and shove the notepad at them. The paper is crumpled and the ink a bit smeared from his sweat.

I forgot my ID badge, my name is Gordon Freeman, anomalous materials.

I'm really scared.

The guards read his note, bemused, and one of them laughs. "What're you scared for, buddy?" he asks, grabbing Gordon by the labcoat to yank him forward and out of the stall. "We just want to talk to you."

"You don't have your ID badge?" the other guard says, crossing his arms. Gordon shakes his head. His heart is pounding, he doesn't recognize either of these guards, not from the party or even the group of drunks last week. They're total strangers to him. "That ain't gonna fly. We might have to get a supervisor for this one. Get some K9 units in here, see what else you're hiding."

"Shut up," the other guard laughs. "Hey, listen, Freeman... We've got a bit of a bone to pick with you."

Gordon has never felt so small and weak. He just nods, holding his breath.

"So, look... You know Calhoun, right? Barney." Gordon nods again. "Yeah, alright. So..."

"He's a nice guy," the other guard cuts in. "Little too nice sometimes, if you catch my drift. You get it?"

Gordon shakes his head, and the first guard sighs, cocking his hip. "Look. You seem like a nice enough guy yourself. But you should stay away from Calhoun. He's..." His nose wrinkles, like he doesn't want to say it out loud.

"Flaming?" the other guard suggests.

"Yeah, exactly. You get it, right? How bad it looks for us guards if one of us were to be... that way."

"It reflects poorly on all of us," the other says. "I mean, it's not an issue when he's not rubbing it in our faces, but--"

"But he is, now that you're here," says the guard on the left. "You seem like a good person, Freeman. You're a good person, right?" Gordon nods slowly. "Yeah, good. So you get it? You need to stay away from Calhoun."

Or what, Gordon wants to ask, but they've still got his notepad.

"Otherwise," the second guard says, "we might have to, uh... intervene a little."

Gordon shivers, heart sinking. "Okay?" the other guard prompts, and he nods again, hesitant to agree. "Good, good boy." He hands Gordon his notepad back, and they both clap him on the shoulder as they pass to leave.

"Oh, and... don't forget your ID badge again, okay? Or we're gonna have problems."

Gordon stays in the bathroom a little longer, trying to calm himself. So he can't be around Barney anymore. That really hurts. Even if he's been unsure of Barney's motives, he still enjoyed being around him...

But he's not exactly eager to find out what those guards meant by intervene. He gets that it's a threat, a thinly veiled one, but are they saying they're going to beat him up or something? That's not right. He's pretty sure that kind of thing counts as a hate crime even if the person being attacked isn't actually gay.

He's not going to get his hopes up any higher about Barney. The other guards must be misunderstanding him. He's just... friendly. It's southern hospitality and all that jazz. He wouldn't actually be gay.

He eats his lunches at his desk for the rest of the week, because he's not about to go sit with Barney and find out what an intervention looks like. It's not worth it, for him or Barney.

The weekend and most of the next week passes before Barney sees him again. He's tired from staying up late the night before, and it almost doesn't click in his brain that he's looking right at Gordon. "Hey... Hey, Gordon! Wait up!" he calls, jogging after him. Gordon stops and turns to face him, face unreadable, smile more awkward than usual.

"Hey," Barney says, and Gordon raises a hand in greeting. "Hey, I, uh--we didn't see you last week..."

<I was busy,> Gordon signs.

"Oh. Yeah, I'm sure, you've got important work to work on and all..."

<I have to get back,> Gordon says, glancing over his shoulder. Barney's heart sinks a little lower.

"Yeah... Yeah, I have to get to sector 4 anyway, so..."

<Bye,> Gordon signs. Not see you later. Just goodbye. He starts to walk away, and Barney can't shut himself up in time.

"Are you avoiding me?"

Gordon freezes, turning to look back at him. His smile isn't forced anymore, just sad. <Of course not.>

"I'm not a real smart guy, Gordon, so if you don't want me around anymore, you gotta tell me so." His face burns, and his heart feels heavy in his chest, hanging by a thread.

Gordon picks his words carefully, eyes on the floor. <I want to hang out. But... I don't want you to be in trouble.>

Barney thinks he must have misunderstood, he's not really sure of some of those signs. So he just nods. "Yeah, okay. Well, I don't care. If you want to hang out and I want to hang out, why can't we? No one's gonna stop us from getting together to watch X-files."

Gordon sighs, and Barney steps closer. "Did someone say something to you?" he asks, and Gordon shakes his head, nostrils flaring a bit in agitation. "Then what?"

Gordon just shakes his head again. <I have to get back to work.>

"Okay," Barney says. "I'll... I'll be waiting for you at lunch. Same place as always."

Gordon nods slowly, and then he finally signs it. <See you later.>

Still, Barney resigns himself to knowing Gordon probably won't show up. He's irritable all morning, snapping at James a couple times, which earns him the silent treatment in return.

"Hand me a screwdriver," Barney says gruffly, holding the flashlight with one hand and the panel he needs to fix with the other. They're back at it again, messing with electrical!

James tosses him a Philips head, and Barney fumbles, dropping his flashlight, then the panel. The screws fall to the floor, scattering. "God damnit!" he snaps, kicking the wall and leaving a boot print. "Look, I am having a bad enough morning, can you--can you not sulk at me all day?"

James rolls his eyes, but helps him pick up the pieces and ultimately screws the panel back into place for him. "Thank you," Barney huffs, examining the boot mark he left on the wall. "God. Gordon's avoiding me."

"Why?" James asks, following him as he stands and heads down the hall.

"I don't know! We were fine, up until that little party... You think he's mad at me?"

James shrugs.

"I mean--okay, I invite you to go somewhere with me. Okay? Let's say I ask you to meet me at the tram, at quitting time." James nods. "And then I'm late and you're left waiting for me. Would you be pissed?"

Another shrug. "Okay, well I think he's mad," Barney huffs. "I don't know how I'm supposed to make that up to him..."

"Did he say he was mad," James asks, and Barney shakes his head. "Then he's not mad."

"It's about the--the intricacies, it's reading between the lines," Barney insists, as they head for the cafeteria to get lunch. "It's like, if you forgot our anniversary, I would say I'm not upset, but I'd still be hurt, right?"

James shrugs again. "Okay, you wouldn't be hurt, I get it, but I would." They get in line for pizza, and Barney looks over the choices. "Potato bacon and pepperoni for him, two pepperoni for me," he decides, and James nods as the cafeteria worker gets their food.

They sit in their normal spot, facing the dining room. "Sorry for snapping," Barney says finally, sipping his soda.

"S'fine."

"I think he just doesn't want to hang out with me anymore," Barney sighs, and James pats his shoulder, then points across the dining hall.

"Freeman."

"Where?!"

Sure enough, there's Gordon, stepping out of line and heading their way. Barney holds his breath, afraid that if he moves Gordon will just sprint in the opposite direction. He reaches the table and sits down, giving them a little <hello.>

"Barney thinks you're mad at him," James says, and Barney almost punches him. Gordon blinks.

<I'm not mad.>

"I didn't--I didn't say he was mad," Barney insists, and James shoulders him.

"He wants to know how to make it up to you," James tells Gordon, and Barney kicks him in the shin.

"Shut up!"

Gordon's laughing, covering his face. His cheeks are red when he finally moves his hand to sign. <I'm not mad at you, I promise. I was just busy with work last week.>

"Okay," Barney says, feeling pretty foolish about having thought otherwise. James punches him lightly in the shoulder, getting him back for the kick, and stands to leave. It's just the two of them again. Barney clears his throat. "So, uh.. I am really sorry about the party, even if you aren't mad."

<It's fine,> Gordon signs, shaking his head. <You were busy starting fires.>

Barney nearly chokes on his pizza laughing. "Remind me to never tell you anything," he says, when he's done with his near death experience. Gordon just watches him, beaming.

They talk through lunch, and it feels good and normal. Barney's spirits are high by Friday afternoon. He's headed back to the dorms to get changed and relax a bit when another guard stops him.

"Hey, Calhoun!" Eric approaches him, flanked by Graham and Zeke. "We're going out tonight. You don't have plans, right?"

Well, he was kind of hoping Gordon will come over at some point... "Uh, kind of--"

"Come on, we're gonna pick up some chicks. We can get you a girlfriend." Barney suppresses a shudder, just barely. "Maybe you can get some action. Let's go."

"I--don't. Want to do that," Barney says, voice strained. Eric pauses, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Why not?"

"I'm... I'm hanging out with James tonight," Barney lies, and it could technically be true. Eric rolls his eyes, laughing.

"God, between you two and that Freeman guy... You really can't keep your queer shit to yourself, can you Calhoun?"

Barney flinches. "Let's just go," Graham says.

"No, I kinda want to hear him answer me," Eric says. Barney swallows hard to clear the lump in his throat.

"I'm not gay," he says, and it hurts him to say, but he's tried so, so hard to keep it secret up until now.

"Then act right," Eric says. "Got it?" Barney just nods, as the group of three leaves, Graham clapping him on the shoulder as they pass him.

He goes to his dorm room, falls onto the couch still in uniform, and wiggles his phone out of his pocket to text Gordon, now that he has his number.

BC: hey heads up don't come around the guard dorms for a bit there's been some flooding

GF: :O

BC: maybe we can hang out somewhere else

BC: if you want to hang out this weekend i mean

GF: You could come to my dorm. Or we could go swimming. There's a nice pool here.

BC: oh yeah so ive heard

GF: You should bring some tapes too, maybe we'll watch some X-files. :)

BC: roger that

GF: Dorm 309. :) Come over tomorrow?

It's a date, Barney types out, and then he quickly backspaces to delete it. Just act normal.

The next morning, he packs a bag with his swim trunks, a towel, and a couple of X-files tapes, and heads over to Gordon's dorm. He's only been to the level 3 topside dormitories the one time, to drop Gordon off at his door, and now he's a little nervous. He's not dressed like a guard, it being a Saturday and all, but what if someone calls him out on being here?

He knocks at Gordon's door and it swings open almost immediately. Gordon grins at him, standing back to let him in. Gordon's dorm is...

Nicer than his. Bigger, cleaner. Newer. Even his mattress is bigger, queen sized...

Gordon's got his hair down, and he's wearing an MIT t-shirt and sweats. He looks like he just recently rolled out of bed, Barney notes, as Gordon tells him to sit anywhere, he's just getting cleaned up. Barney settles in on his couch, taking in the rest of the dorm room. It's clear that Gordon is still just moving in; there's nothing on the walls, no knick knacks or anything to speak of. There's a box open in front of the couch that appears to be packed full of physics books. Barney pulls out the topmost tome, flipping through it. This stuff goes right over his head, but he's glad Gordon seems to love what he does.

Beneath the textbook is a yearbook, which Barney hesitantly picks up to look at. At this point he's snooping, he thinks, but he can't help but be curious what Gordon looked like as a teenager. Class of 1992, huh? Gordon is 25 or so, right? So in 92, he would have been... Barney does some mental math as he flips through the yearbook.

There are no signatures, which is a little off putting. Not that he can talk, but he'd expected Gordon would have had lots of friends in school. He flips through to the freshmen section, scans through the students whose last names begin with F, looking for Gordon. He frowns, flipping back through to sophomores, then juniors, and finally seniors, where he finds a (very young) familiar face. That doesn't add up, and looking at his babyface, Gordon can't be more than about fifteen there. If that!

Gordon approaches, and Barney snaps the yearbook shut, a little too loud. Gordon's looking at him, smiling, eyebrow raised. <What are you doing?>

"Sorry--I just... I was snooping," Barney admits, and Gordon laughs. "Did you graduate early or something?"

Gordon nods, sitting down beside him and taking the yearbook to flip through. He stops on a page full of photos of school events, and there's a picture of him again, shaking hands with someone at a science fair. Barney leans in to read the caption under the photo.

"So you're like, some kind of genius or something?" Barney asks, and Gordon laughs, loudly.

<No.>

Well, he can deny it all he likes, but now Barney knows he's outta his league. <You ready to go?> Gordon signs, and Barney nods, digging his X-files tapes out of his bag to leave on the coffee table before they head for the pool.

The locker room is mostly empty when they arrive. Barney turns his back to change into his trunks. When he turns back, Gordon is just starting to lift his shirt up, and Barney has to pretend to be very interested in the lockers. Gordon kicks his pants off to reveal that he's already got his trunks on. Barney chuckles despite himself as Gordon stuffs his clothes and shoes into the locker with Barney's.

Gordon is slim. Spindly, no wait, noodly, Barney thinks. He's got freckles all down his back, and his chest is scarred--well healed, but he's clearly recovered from something. An accident, or... Barney tries to picture him in a knife fight and bites his lip, diverting his gaze. It's too much to think about. It's not polite to keep looking anyway, so he steals just one final glance at Gordon's happy trail before looking away.

Gordon eyes him back as they approach the pool. Barney is definitely trying not to feel self conscious under his gaze, but he knows he's got a little bit of chub to him, over the muscle. It's normal, he argues with himself, this is just how strong dudes look. Sure, Barney Calhoun, strong.

They approach the water and Gordon dives right in, cannonballing into the deep end. Barney laughs, standing at the edge of the pool as he resurfaces. "You know they have pool rules, right?" he chuckles, and Gordon shrugs, treading water.

They have the pool to themselves, Barney realizes, watching Gordon duck under the water again. That's kinda neat. <Are you getting in?> Gordon signs to him. <Swim?>

"Yeah, I'll get in," Barney says, heading for the pool ladder. Gordon signs to him again.

<Jump.>

Barney laughs, shaking his head, but quickly succumbs to Gordon's persistent peer pressure and dives in. He resurfaces, pushing his wet hair back, to find Gordon watching him, the lower half of his face underwater.

"What--" Barney starts to say, just as Gordon splashes him. "Hey!" Gordon laughs, diving underwater when Barney goes to splash him back.

Barney waits a few seconds for him to resurface before realizing he's not going to. Two can play that game! He takes a deep breath, sinking down under the water to make eye contact. Barney has to come up first, eyes burning, and then Gordon suddenly resurfaces, coughing hard.

"You alright there?" Barney asks, and Gordon nods, laughing as he tries to clear the water from his sinuses.

They swim for a long while. Gordon apparently doesn't learn his lesson about going underwater, because he keeps ducking back under between conversations. It would probably be irritating if it wasn't so cute.

A couple of older scientists enter the pool area, and they both start grumbling after a bit about their jackassery in the pool. Gordon bites his lip, smiling at Barney, and jerks his head towards the exit. <I'm pretty tired.> Barney nods, and they swim for the edge of the pool to climb out. Barney pulls himself up first, and Gordon pauses a moment, sinking back down into the water.

"What, you ain't gonna get out? You're gonna make me walk all the way back to my dorm in shame?" he teases. "I'll be sopping wet and bawling my eyes out on the tram, and you're laughing."

Gordon snickers, pulling himself out to follow Barney to the locker room again. Barney has to hype himself up a bit on the way there. It's normal, he tells himself, dudes... football players, sporty guys, they shower together all the time.

Yeah, well, he's not a sporty guy. He slows, letting Gordon lead the way to the open shower area, and tries not to look at him as he turns one of the showerheads on. Just be normal, just wash up and get out.

Gordon doesn't take his trunks off to shower, and Barney's relief is palpable. Now he has an excuse not to as well.

Still, it's hard not to let himself peek, just a little bit. Gordon's got his head tipped back, eyes closed as he washes up. Shampoo suds flow down from his head, following the contours of his body. Even in the bad lighting of the showers, he gives off a beautiful, healthy glow. He turns his back towards Barney, and he's struck by how dark and dense the freckles on his shoulders and shoulder blades are. Does he know he's gorgeous? Is he aware? Barney stares at him, trying not to hold his breath--but how can he breathe right now?

Gordon hisses, rubbing at his eye, and Barney quickly looks away, focuses on being normal normal normal.

He's gonna be thinkin about all that later, though. Not now, he scolds himself. Just relax and breathe and don't look at Gordon until he's got clothes on.

Gordon ducks into a changing stall after his shower to get dressed, and Barney does the same, trying not to think too hard about Gordon walking around sans underpants when he hears the splat of wet trunks hitting the floor.

Gordon's waiting for him when he comes out, and immediately offers to wash his swim trunks and towel for him, so they won't be sitting in a soggy lump all afternoon. Barney just nods, afraid that if he opens his mouth he'll let something stupid slip, something dangerous.

<X-files?> Gordon signs, and Barney perks up a bit.

Back in Gordon's dorm room, they settle in on his couch and pop in a tape. They're still only a few episodes in, but Gordon seems interested, at least. He's leaning forward, elbows on his thighs, eyes on the screen. Barney's watching him and trying not to, half-horizontal with his back against the arm of the couch and his feet up on the cushion. Gordon glances away from the TV for a moment, smiling when he catches him looking, and Barney forces himself to watch the show and pay attention.

Gordon's washer beeps at them when it's finished, and Gordon stands to go move the load to the dryer. Barney manages to focus on the X-files for about a minute before Gordon's back in his line of sight, settling back in on the couch.

Barney's seen each episode of the X-files about a million times, and he's usually confident that he could answer any question about it thrown his way--but for now, he's so wrapped up in thoughts of Gordon... Well, if he had to write a paper on the topic, he'd probably end up with twenty pages of his name, over and over.

Barney's got it bad, he's coming to realize. It's only a matter of time before he messes this up somehow.

Gordon gets up again just a few minutes later. <Are you hungry?> he signs. <I'm starving.>

"I could eat," Barney admits, sitting up to look over the back of the couch as Gordon enters his kitchenette. These dorms really are nicer than the guard dormitories; this is more like a studio apartment, with laundry in-unit, a stove and a full sized fridge... He's not really complaining; he doesn't cook much, but it would be nice to have the option. Plus, he hates doing laundry in the communal machines where anyone can yank your wet clothes out and toss theirs in.

Gordon makes them french toast, while Barney watches him from the couch. He knows he should at least offer to get up and help, but the view from back here ain't half bad.

It's late before Barney heads back to his dorm. He and Gordon finished off the tapes he'd brought with him, and then sat for a few more hours, just talking. Practicing sign language and cracking jokes at one another.

He heads off into the guard dormitories, which are still and quiet. The hall lights are out, and he has to feel his way in the dark to his dorm room, and then fumble with the lock for a bit.

He flips the light switch and nothing happens. He flips it a few more times, just checking, then notices the note that's been shoved under his door. In James' handwriting: Electrical short, power's out. Just in the guard dorms, huh?

"This damn place's gonna burn down, one of these days," he grumbles, shutting and locking the door and kicking his shoes off.

He makes himself brush his teeth before he falls into bed, wriggling out of his pants and chucking his t-shirt somewhere in the shadows. It's too hot without any AC running to sleep fully dressed. With any luck, it'll kick back on in the middle of the night, and he can sleep comfy.

He lays for a while, not really tired enough to shut his brain off yet. Instead, his thoughts drift back through the day, back to Gordon. Gordon in the shower... Now that was a sight. Barney licks his lips, remembering him, covered in suds, head tilted back and throat bared.

Is he seriously going to do this, he asks himself. For real? Isn't that crossing some kind of invisible line that exists between friends?

But his hand is already slipping beneath the waistband of his briefs to palm at his chub. Gordon--he's so handsome, so gorgeous as he stands there, tipping his head back to rinse his hair. He catches Barney looking and smiles, stepping out of the spray of his shower and into Barney's personal space.

Ahh... he's hard. And in his fantasy, so is Gordon. He presses against Barney as they kiss under the spray of warm water, and Barney can feel him. A groan slips past his lips as he pumps himself, imagining that it's Gordon he's touching instead. He rocks his hips forward against Barney, gasping wordlessly, and Barney chokes and slurs his name, edging himself off.

Gordon kisses him again, and Barney's got an arm thrown over his face now, eyes squeezed shut as he imagines it. He wants this, so, so badly, and he won't let himself think about it now, how he's never going to have it...

Because now Gordon's hand is on him, stroking, squeezing. He's kissing Barney's neck and it's hard to focus on anything beyond how good it feels.

"Gordon," Barney whimpers, rutting against his hand. He backs himself off again, breathing hard. The Gordon in his imagination gives a little smirk, then sinks to his knees.

FUCK. The very thought of Gordon sucking his cock is enough to push him, moaning and spilling curses, over the edge. He lays there for a long time, catching his breath and coming to terms with not getting to watch Gordon blow him.

Well. Unless he goes again...

Gordon already knows that he's loud. He has to take care not to make too much noise, especially considering what time of night it is.

To say he's been waiting all day to do this wouldn't be an overstatement. He has been, since he first saw Barney's body in the locker room. Gordon presses his face into his pillow, his right hand moving desperately as he recalls the pool.

They're alone in there, and it starts out innocent. Splashing, racing each other. Soon they're both flushed and laughing, and soon after that, Barney's pressing him against the side of the pool, slotting a knee between his thighs and pressing that body against him to kiss him.

Barney's hard against him, and Gordon slips his hand into his swim trunks to stroke him, drawing out a rumbled moan against his lips. Barney presses his tongue into Gordon's mouth, and his hand moves faster, harder as he gasps and pants into his pillow.

It's not enough, he needs something to rut against like an animal. He lifts his head and repositions, straddling his pillow to hump it, groaning.

"You like that, darlin?" Barney's asking him, lips pressed to Gordon's throat, hand in his trunks to return the favor. Gordon nods, biting his lip and holding his breath until he can't anymore, he has to breathe and let it out or he'll die.

"Barney," he groans, and then again, because it feels so good on his lips. "Barney..."

He comes hard on his pillowcase, and promptly collapses into his sheets.

"You fall last night?" James asks him in the morning. Barney looks over at him from his spot on the couch, confused. "In the dark."

"No?" Barney says, not getting it. Is it a joke or something? James purses his lips and tries again.

"Heard you cursin' up a storm in there--" OH, oh god, he gets it now. Barney turns back to the TV, hiding his blush, glancing at the wall separating his room from James'.

"Oh, uh. That. Yeah, I stubbed my toe pretty bad. Thought it was broken." It's not the best lie he's ever told, but it works for now. He'll have to remember that for the future, how thin the walls in here are.

He spends Sunday mostly in James' dorm room, playing Mario Kart, and shooting Gordon carefully timed texts. He's gotta make sure he doesn't seem too desperate to talk, or anything.

He looks up from sending a text to find James watching him. "What," he asks, nervous.

James shrugs, looking back to the game menu. "Glad you have another friend."

"If I didn't know better, I'd almost think you cared about me," Barney says, and James cracks a grin as he starts the level.

The next day, Barney punches in to find he's on the schedule to work Anomalous Materials. He can't help but grin all the way there, nevermind if his palms feel sweaty and his heart is threatening to give out. There's a chance he'll get to see Gordon at work, and that's exciting. Gordon, with his fluffy hair slicked back and his cute little ponytail.

"What're you so giddy about," the other guard, Liam, asks him when Barney arrives to take his place. Barney shrugs, wiping the look off his face.

"Nothin," he lies, taking up his post with his back to the wall.

He doesn't see Gordon until he comes through with a group of three other scientists. One of them Barney knows--Kleiner, he's a hoot. The other two are sour-faced old guys who bark at him to hurry it up as he lets them through the armored doors. Gordon gives him a tiny wave. The labcoats file through the doors past him, and Barney's bored again until Kleiner and Gordon come back through.

"Barney," Kleiner sighs, "it's happened again." Gordon looks mildly confused and concerned, but Barney just grins, straightening up.

"Oh, you mean to tell me you locked your keys in your office again?"

"Yes yes, well, let's hurry and get it unlocked, shall we?" Kleiner says, and Barney chuckles. He catches the attention of the guy standing guard down the hall to let him know he's stepping away, and walks alongside Kleiner to his office. Gordon hurries after them.

They stop in the hallway, and Gordon has such a confused look on his face that Barney can't help but laugh again. He pries the vent grate from the wall, crouching to climb into it.

"Be careful in there Barney, I heard something scuttling around the other day," Kleiner warns, and Barney rolls his eyes lightheartedly. "Gordon, what are you doing?" Barney glances back at the intersection between vents to see Gordon climbing in after him.

"You wanna race?" Barney asks him. "First one to Kleiner's office wins?"

Gordon nods, and Barney grins. "See you on the other side."

They both storm through the vents, in opposite directions. Barney knows he has the upper hand here, having done this so many times. He's almost to the vent in Kleiner's office when Gordon pops out of an offshoot of the ventilation system. They both freeze, staring at each other for a moment, Gordon's hand resting where it had landed atop Barney's. Then Gordon grins and hurries on ahead, pushing the grate open to hop down and let Kleiner in.

If Barney didn't know he was gay before, he does now.

They eat lunch together and text each other all week, and when Gordon invites Barney to hang out at his dorm again, he agrees without hesitation and locates the next couple of X-files tapes. Friday, he takes them to work with him, leaving them in his locker so that he can go straight from there to Gordon's dorm.

He has to bust into Kleiner's office again just before he's off work on Friday. "They shouldn't be trusting you with keys anymore, Doc," he informs the scientist when he lets him back in.

"Oh, fie, you hush," Kleiner tells him. "Go on, I know you're eager to get out of here. Go to your ASL lessons."

Barney is eager, so he does leave. He all but runs back to his locker to get the tapes, then runs to the tram to find Gordon already aboard.

"Hey," Barney says, dropping into the seat beside him. Gordon raises his hand in greeting. "I had to let Kleiner into his office again. Almost didn't make it," Barney informs him, and Gordon smiles.

<They should make someone else keep track of his keys,> Gordon jokes.

They ride in comfortable silence to the topside dormitories, then walk to Gordon's dorm room. There's some delicious smell coming from a crockpot on the counter, and Gordon serves them up two big bowls of beef pot roast, with rolls on the side.

They eat and watch an X-files tape. They're creeping up on the end of the first season at last, and Barney's found himself getting invested in it all over again. Not that he was ever not, but...

Gordon's watching him, Barney realizes about halfway through the tape. Not just glancing, either, but full on staring at him.

"Somethin on my face?" he asks, and Gordon shakes his head.

<I need to tell you something.>

"Oh, okay. Sure," Barney says, setting his bowl on the coffee table. "What's up?" He's suddenly very nervous. Did Gordon find out that he jacked off thinking about him? He won't be able to live with himself if that's the case.

<I'm going to tell you this because I really trust you not to tell anyone,> Gordon signs, and Barney nods slowly. Who's he gonna run to tell about anything? James?

Gordon bites his lip for a moment, then signs with an unwavering gaze. <I'm gay.>

Barney stares at him for a minute, brain struggling to process. "What?"

<G A Y,> Gordon finger spells. <I like men.>

He must be suppressing his feelings of awe and excitement really well, because Gordon starts trying to backtrack after another long minute without response. <I understand if you'd rather not hang out anymore-->

"No, no!" Barney says, rushing to correct him. "I don't have a problem with it, I mean..."

His voice catches in his throat on what he should say. I'm gay too, and I like you a lot, and I'd honestly like to see if you and I could work out. But the fear of rejection is too real, too huge looming over him.

"There's nothing wrong with that," Barney says. "I think it's good, actually. I mean--"

<You think it's good that I'm gay?> Gordon asks, shaking with giggles.

"Well, I mean--yeah, sure! Yeah, I think it's good!"

Gordon doubles over, laughing quietly, and Barney has to look away and suppress his grin. He's still not going to get his hopes up, because that's a surefire way to get his heart stomped on.

But maybe it's safe to at least flirt a little. He can have that much as a reward for being so good, right? Because he has been. He's been trying so, so hard to be good, and he deserves a little treat once in a while, even if that treat is just unrequited, one sided flirting with Gordon Freeman.

Maybe things aren't so bad here, Gordon thinks. Barney took the news really well. He's a good guy, Barney Calhoun. Gordon almost can't believe he didn't trust his motives before.

He picks up his Blackberry to glance at an incoming text from his mom. He's been kind of blowing up his parents' phones recently, with text after text about work, and Barney, and the X-files. His dad is a big fan of the latter, and they're both interested in his work.

Mom: You'll have to let us know how the first test goes, when it happens.

GF: NDA :P

GF: If it ever happens I'll keep you posted. :)

GF: I told Barney that I'm gay by the way. He took it well.

It's a few minutes before his mom texts back, which Gordon imagines means she's relaying the text to his dad. He sets his phone down in the interim, flipping through a book on his coffee table.

His phone dings twice, and he picks it back up to find both his parents texting him.

Mom: I'm happy for you, sweetie. You deserve a friend who won't judge you.

Dad: Do you have a crush on this boy?

Gordon has to think so carefully about his response, his dad manages to get three more texts in before he gets anything typed out.

Dad: We're very proud of you.

Dad: I just hope you're being safe with this Barney boy.

Dad: Ask him what he thinks about the smoking man.

GF: Okay, talk to you later. :)

He doesn't know how he's supposed to answer that! Because he does like Barney. He likes him a lot, but again, the chances of finding another gay man in his age range who's interested in him are so slim, they may as well be nonexistent. He's not going to go getting his hopes up about something that won't happen. He'd be much more likely to find a man who accepts him in Seattle, but in Black Mesa...

Mom: Rob wants to know if you have a crush on Barney.

GF: Bye mom!

After that, he ignores his phone for a while, pretending not to hear the texts coming in. By the time Monday rolls around, he's spent most of the weekend thinking about Barney. And when he's not thinking about him, he's texting him, or hanging out with him in Gordon's dorm. They're really making headway on the X-files, even if Gordon can barely pay attention when he's sitting just inches from Barney--who always looks so enraptured by the show, Gordon feels bad for not taking it all in.

Work is getting easier and easier to deal with. Most of the team he works with have come to accept that although Gordon may be young, and may not speak, he's a font of valuable information and actually very good at his job. He spends a lot of time around Drs Kleiner and Vance, working on the anti-mass spectrometer.

He feels like he's finally settling into Black Mesa. Like this place could become a home for him. He's got good colleagues and good friends in Barney (and sometimes James,) and he's getting used to spending his days underground.

Gordon arrives at lunch one day to find that Barney's not yet at the table, just James. He sits down anyway, giving a little wave in response to James' nod. A few minutes pass, and Barney's still not there, so he collects his notepad to write a note down.

Where's Barney?

James finishes chewing, swallows, and reaches over to take the pen from Gordon. He writes for a long time before handing the notepad back to him.

There was an incident in sector 4. Some idiot shot himself in the foot goofing around. Barney has a lot of paperwork to fill out, since he witnessed it. He said he'll try to make it to lunch before you head back, but if he doesn't, he wants to see you later. He likes spending time with you.

Gordon flushes to the tips of his ears reading the last sentence, and slowly puts his notepad away. He expects James to get up and leave the second he's finished eating, but instead he hangs around, also waiting for Barney.

"God, you won't believe the day I've had," Barney says when he finally arrives, dropping into the seat beside James. "So this dumbass, he's messing around with his gun, just goofing off--and the idiot manages to shoot himself, right in the leg. Whole block goes into lockdown, and since I was there, I had to do all this damn paperwork, an' they wanted to know why I didn't do anything about it--like it was my fault! I barely know the guy." He digs into his pizza and chugs some water before he continues. "Anyway, that's where I've been. Did this guy--" he jerks his thumb at James-- "tell you anything, or have you guys just been sittin here in silence?"

Gordon ducks his head, grinning. "Hey," James says, shouldering him. "Calm down."

"I just don't see what I was supposed to do about it," Barney grumbles. "Dude was spinning his pistol like he was goddamn... Revolver Ocelot, and I'm supposed to step in and get myself shot?"

"Barney wants you to go to dinner with him," James informs Gordon. Barney yells and shoves him ineffectively, flushing bright red.

"Can you--! Gordon, please don't listen to him anymore, he's sick in the head. He's deranged." James chuckles, shoving back at him.

<Where?> Gordon signs, and Barney stops and stammers.

"Uh--uh, well, there's--there's this nice Chinese place..."

<Sounds good,> Gordon signs. Barney nods, biting his lip, and punches James in the shoulder for good measure.

If Gordon didn't know better, he'd almost think he's being asked on a date. Good thing he knows better! They agree to meet after work tomorrow at the tram so that Barney can take him to a little Chinese restaurant by the name of John's. It's on the surface--which feels like a weird thing to say, but Black Mesa is mostly underground--and Gordon's actually pretty excited to get out and about above-ground again.

When they reach the restaurant, they're the only guests. The hostess seats them near the window, and the two of them settle in to peruse the menu.

Barney speaks for them when the waitress comes by to take their orders, and they settle in. Gordon's got questions about the X-files, like <Does Mulder even own a bed?> and <Who is Deep Throat?>

"What's that sign mean," Barney asks, and then flushes when Gordon fingerspells it for him. File that one away for signs to think about later! "Uh, it's... you don't want spoilers," Barney says, sipping his Shirley Temple and looking away.

The waitress brings them out some egg flower soup before the main course, and they chat back and forth a bit. "You look really nice," Barney informs him, and Gordon looks up from blowing on his soup to sign <thank you.> He'd picked out one of his favorite button ups to wear, not for any particular reason!

"Really nice," Barney continues. "You're a pretty good lookin guy, though, so..."

Gordon squints a bit. Barney's face is bright red, and the pieces are starting to fall into place...

No way, right? Barney's nice, he wouldn't go out of his way to mess with him, right?

Gordon just looks back to his soup, nodding. Barney doesn't say anything else weird until after their food comes. They've just wrapped up a conversation about Gordon's work, and segued into talking about coworkers. Gordon mentions that Dr. Vance showed him a photo of his wife and their baby, expressing surprise that such a busy man is married. Barney nods, lifting his drink to take another swig.

"So, uh, what about you?" he asks, and Gordon raises an eyebrow. "You got a guy back home or somethin?"

...Wow. Gordon just stares at him for a long, long time, until Barney tries to fumble through the topic-- "I mean, are you--"

<Is this fun for you?>

"What?"

<You got dressed up and everything, huh? You went all out for this. Taking me out to dinner just so you can make fun of me. Seriously?>

"Wh-- Gordon, I'm not making fun of--"

<I get it, you and your guard friends think it's funny, or gross, or whatever.> Gordon's hands are shaking so bad, he knows he must be hard to understand. He doesn't care if Barney can keep up at this point, he's just mad. He just needs to get it out. <I get it. You've had lots of fun messing with me, but you've gone far enough. I--> He pauses, shoulders shaking, face red and mad and eyes hot, <I thought we were actually friends.>

"What are you talking about?" Barney asks, looking crestfallen. "Gordon, we are friends--"

<No.>

"Can you at least explain why you think I'm messing with you?"

<I told you I'm gay and you immediately start fake flirting with me? Asking if I have a boyfriend? What's wrong with you?> Barney flinches. <I trusted you with a big secret, and you're making a mockery of it.>He can barely see Barney through the tears threatening to spill over, so he pushes his glasses up and rubs at his eyes, breathing hard.

"Gordon," Barney tries.

<No.>

"I promise I'm not making fun of you. I'm... I'm trying to--Gordon, I'm gay," Barney hisses, gesturing to himself. Gordon raises an eyebrow, beckons for him to continue. Barney stumbles over his words. "I--I'm... I wasn't messing with you, I think you're good lookin, and I just--" He looks away, face flushed dark, eyebrows furrowed in worry. "It's not really safe to be out around here--I've kept it secret for so damn long, and I kept thinkin, if you found out, you'd hate me--but then you told me that you're... I just--I've never met... hardly anyone who's like me, an' I just thought... that it would be safe to be myself around you." He's tearing up too, Gordon sees when he puts his glasses back on his face. "I'm not makin fun of you, Gordon, I'm just... bad at this," Barney says finally.

Well now Gordon feels bad, watching him cry. He's not sure what to say, so he stands and comes around to Barney's side of the table, sliding into the booth beside him.

<You okay?>

"Yeah," Barney says, and sniffles. "Yeah, sorry, I'm just--"

<I'm sorry.>

"No, I get how that must've come off..."

<It just felt so bad because I really like you.>

Barney stares at his hands a minute, then glances at his face, looking for some indication of a joke. "I think I misunderstood," he says finally, "can you just repeat that?"

<I was upset because I like you a lot, and I thought you were teasing me.>

"So are you... making fun of me now, or?" Gordon shakes his head. "Oh," Barney says, and his already splotchy red face becomes redder. "I really... really like you too, Gordon, I just... don't know how to do this." He wipes at his eyes with the heel of his hand. "I have no idea what I'm supposed to do."

<Ask me out,> Gordon says, smiling at him. Barney bites his lip, glancing past him for a moment. The hostess and waitress are both looking their way, curious and concerned and trying not to be nosy. He takes a deep breath.

"Will you, uh... Would you be interested in... going out sometime? If you're not busy. I mean, whenever works for you--" he shuts himself up, because Gordon's laughing.

<Yes, I'll go out with you.>

"Okay. Okay, good... Does this count as a first date then?"

Gordon snorts, shaking his head. "Okay, then... how about this weekend?" Barney suggests. "There are some cool shops and stuff above ground..."

<I'd like that,> Gordon signs, smiling.

When Barney gets back to the dorms that night, he barges right into James' room and falls onto his bed face-first. James glances back at him from his couch, pausing his game and waiting for him to say something.

"I gotta tell you something," Barney says when he finally sits up. James nods. "It's, ah... gonna be real hard for me to tell you. And it's probably gonna be real hard to hear." He's silent for a little bit, until James gets up and walks over to his fridge to get them each a drink.

"James, uh... So I went to dinner with Gordon," Barney starts, carefully. James nods, handing him a beer. "Thanks. And I told him something... what I'm about to tell you. So you two are gonna be the only people in Black Mesa who know, alright?"

"Okay."

"And I don't blame you if you hate me after I tell you, but... I can't keep hiding it forever, I guess. I don't want to keep hiding." He stands, pacing nervously, and James watches, waiting, stationed by the bed.

"I'm gay," Barney tells him finally. "I'm--that's it, I like men." He stops pacing, watching his buddy for a reaction. James nods, setting his beer on his crowded bedside table, and walks towards him. Barney flinches, taking a step back, but James is quicker and pulls him into the tightest hug he's ever experienced.

"I'm proud of you," James tells him, ruffling his hair until Barney starts to pull away. Barney just nods, trying to smooth his hair back down.

"So you're not... mad."

"Nope," James says, grabbing his beer off the bedside table again. He takes a drink. "Just glad you told me."

Barney nods, following him around to the couch to sit down. "Yeah, I'm... I've wanted to tell you for a long time," he admits.

"Gordon?" James asks, and Barney bites his lip. He's not about to out him to James, even if James is a really good cool guy.

"He took it well."

"Good."

They sink into a comfortable silence after that, as James resumes his Tomb Raider game and Barney watches. It's times like this that he's struck by how different their upbringings must have been, despite the two of them growing up within an hour of each other. It's also times like this that he wishes he could have known James when he was younger, that he could really be Barney's older brother.

James shoulders him and offers him the controller to take a turn, and Barney accepts. "Thank you."

Saturday can't come fast enough for him, even if he relishes the time that week spent texting Gordon and eating lunch with him and racing him to Kleiner's office in the vents. Barney simultaneously wants the week to just end so they can go on their date and also wants every moment to last forever.

He'd told James that he has a date coming up--not who he's going out with, just that he's going somewhere with someone. "An' I don't really know where to take a guy around here," Barney admits on Friday night, when James is in his dorm, helping him perfect the details. He paces the floor, watching James pick out clothes for him.

"Oh, nah, hell no, I'm not wearin my boots tomorrow, he'll think I'm a weirdo."

James raises an eyebrow, setting the boots firmly with the rest of his outfit. Barney huffs, pacing back towards the door.

"Take him to a movie," James says, and Barney shakes his head.

"No, nah, if I pick a bad movie..." He catches the pointed look he's being given and stops in his tracks. "What?"

"You're not going to watch the movie."

Barney sputters, shaking his head. "No--no, we're not that close yet, I'm not gonna ruin it all by moving too quick."

"Take him to see Saw."

"No!"

"Put your arm around him."

"I swear to God..." But actually, that's not a terrible idea. He's not sure how Gordon feels about horror movies, but if he's scared and Barney gets to hold him...

"Gotta get the seats in the back, though," James tells him, going through his shirts. Barney rolls his eyes, walking over to put his nice boots away.

Barney wakes up early the next day, and spends much of the morning stressing and trying to pick a different outfit. Not that what James laid out for him is bad, it's just... A lot. It's a lot, and he wants to look nice but not too nice--and in the end he hurries to put on what James had selected anyway, combs his hair, brushes his teeth, and hustles out the door.

He's early to arrive at the tram, but so is Gordon. Gordon's dressed nice--a patterned button up with no tie, top button left undone, and dark pants. Barney's feeling pretty foolish when he approaches in his Western shirt, jeans, and the nice cowboy boots James had insisted upon, but Gordon's face lights up when he sees him.

"So I figured we could go see a movie," Barney says, as they board the tram to leave.

<Which movie?> Gordon asks, head tilted and brows raised.

"Well, uh... how do you feel about Saw?"

Gordon just grins at him eagerly. Once they're off the tram, it's only a short walk to the movie theater, where Barney buys their tickets and concessions. Gordon leads the way into the theater, heading for a row in the middle, when Barney remembers what James said.

"We should sit in the back," he blurts out, and Gordon looks back at him, eyebrow raised--but he continues up the stairs nonetheless, all the way to the back row.

They sit down, and the previews begin a few minutes later. Barney's palms are sweating. He wipes them on his jeans, glancing over at Gordon--who catches him looking and smiles.

<Are you nervous?> Gordon asks him, and Barney gives a little nod. <Relax. We hang out all the time.>

Yeah, but still, being on a date is different...

The movie starts up, and Gordon is into it. Really into it, Barney finds, watching him in the darkness of the theater. (He supposes James was right in some way, he's not paying much attention to the movie itself.) Gordon's smiling, occasionally laughing, and at one point he turns to sign to Barney during a gruesome death scene,<it's a good movie.>

Barney nods, occupying himself with munching on some of their popcorn. Gordon reaches for the bucket at the same time as him and their hands touch. He glances over, catching Barney's gaze, and leaves his hand where it is.

Barney chews on the inside of his cheek and takes Gordon's hand in his, hesitant, careful, just in case Gordon wants to pull away. But he doesn't, just smiles and turns back to the movie, rubbing his thumb on the back of Barney's hand.

<I really like horror movies,> Gordon tells him when they're leaving the theater. <I get really into them.>

"So it was a good pick, huh?" Barney asks, and Gordon nods. Their hands brush against each other as they walk, and Barney wishes he was bold enough, strong enough to hold onto Gordon again.

They walk around for a while after the movie, window shopping and chatting. Gordon tells Barney that his team is close to a breakthrough, and that they're going to be running some tests starting next month.

"Really?" Barney asks, excited for him. Gordon nods. "Man, I'd like to be in the room when you guys figure that out..." Gordon laughs, shaking his head.

<It's not as interesting as it sounds, I promise.>

"Yeah, well... It's exciting. When you hit that breakthrough, we should celebrate."

Gordon smiles at him, bumping their hands together again. Barney wonders idly if he's doing it on purpose, as they pause to look into a shop window.

"I've got weapons training to go through this week," he says. "They make us brush up on everything, usually every other year, but with that moron who shot himself in the leg the other day..." Gordon nods. "Well, they're sending us all back through again no matter what, to make sure we don't have any more injuries on the job."

<Will you have the same lunch break?>

"Yeah, I should... and if not, it's only Monday through Wednesday. Oh, but I have more training on Friday, too..." He sighs. "Gotta go through sexual harassment training and workplace safety again."

Gordon nods. <So that you can learn to harass coworkers.>

Barney snorts and doubles over with laughter. Gordon grins at him. "Yeah, you're right, that's absolutely what they're teachin us."

<You can practice on me,>Gordon teases, and Barney goes into a full blown, red-faced coughing fit.

"Knock it off," he laughs, once he's somewhat recovered. Gordon sticks his tongue out as they continue down the sidewalk.

<I have something for you,>Gordon signs to him on their third date, almost a month later. It's a date, but a casual date, one that they're spending in Gordon's dorm room.

"Oh, no, don't do gifts right now, I didn't get you anything," Barney protests, and Gordon shakes his head, smiling. He puts his hand up in a <B> in front of his face, swiping down into a <Y,> as if he's signing <beautiful.> Barney blinks.

"Uh.. can you finger spell it?" he asks, and Gordon chuckles.

<B A R N E Y.>

"I'm listening," Barney says, lost. "I just don't know what that is..."

Gordon makes the sign again. <Your name.>

Barney feels his face go hot, followed by the rest of him. <Do you like it,> Gordon signs, and Barney grabs him in a hug, too overwhelmed to speak.

"Yeah, uh. I really like it," he manages after a few minutes, as Gordon hugs him back. He pauses. "I really like you," he says, letting Gordon pull away. Gordon looks away, then back to him, licking his lips.

<I really like you too.> Barney can barely focus on his hands, preoccupied as he is with Gordon's lips. They lean in at the same time, and Gordon cups his face as they meet in a kiss, eyes fluttering shut. Barney nearly falls off the couch when Gordon deepens the kiss, and he fumbles with his hands for a second, putting them on the other man's waist eventually.

It feels like a long time passes, but it also seems like they've barely started to kiss when Gordon pulls back. <Can I call you my boyfriend?> he asks, and Barney nods, sitting back on the couch cushion.

"Shit, I sure hope you will," Barney breathes, pulling Gordon into another kiss.

Gordon's been working at Black Mesa for almost three months when the breakthrough comes. The anomalous materials team throws an impromptu late night celebration, with bottles of champagne and scientists from different fields mingling, congratulating each other and toasting to their success. Gordon stands back near the rear exit, leaning against the wall. Eli and Kleiner are both busy mingling with their peers, and he'd texted Barney almost an hour ago, but he must be busy...

It's a celebration, but he feels kind of lonely, unable to talk to anyone about his team's success.

There's a quiet knock on the window behind him, and Gordon glances back to see James Welk in the hallway outside the lab. He tilts his head as James beckons him to come out and join him, and slips out through the back exit.

<What's up?>he signs.

"Barney." James gestures for him to follow and starts down the corridor. Gordon furrows his brow, hurrying after him.

They walk for a while, James silently guiding him, stopping to wait when he sees another guard go by. He leads Gordon down a side hallway, ducking into abandoned offices to wait out another guard patrolling the area.

He's not telling what he's up to, but to be fair, Gordon isn't asking. He trusts James, because Barney trusts him. He does have to wonder where they're going, though, as James leads him to a maintenance door with a sign beside it proclaiming AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY.

James unlocks the door and waves him in. Gordon steps inside, looking back just in time to see James closing and locking the door on him. Oh no. He pounds on the door for a minute, but James has either walked away or doesn't care to respond.

He's been tricked.

He turns to look for another way out. The only other thing in there is a ladder, leading up so high that he has to crane his neck to see the top. There's a hatch up there...He sighs, and resigns himself to climbing, hand over hand. This isn't how he wants to spend his night, not when he should be celebrating...

He nears the top after several minutes of climbing, breathing hard. He feels like crying. He seriously trusted James, and clearly he'd been wrong to do that. What kind of messed up hazing...

He pushes on the hatch and it swings up, letting him out into the New Mexico night. Gordon blinks tearily, still standing on the ladder rungs, staring up at the sky.

"Are you okay?" Barney asks him, suddenly at his side, reaching to help him up off the ladder. "Jesus, Gordon, you're shaking!" Gordon just stares at him a minute, then throws himself at Barney in a hug, sniffling. "Gordon! Did something happen?"

<You never texted me back, and then James took me on some weird walk through the back halls, and locked me in that room to climb up here...>

"Oh Gordon, I'm sorry," Barney says, pulling him into a hug again. "I texted you... Maybe it didn't go through. Didn't James say anything about meeting me up here?"

Gordon shakes his head.

"I wanted to celebrate with you," Barney says, petting his hair. "I asked him to bring you to me so we could be together..."

Gordon holds onto him, face pressed into Barney's shoulder. <Sorry,> he signs, pulling back. <It's been a long night.> Barney strokes his cheek.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," he says. "I'm sorry. I should've come and got you myself... You wanna sit and watch the stars with me?"

Gordon nods. They settle in together, eyes on the sky. The light pollution out here is so minimal, the whole universe seems to be opened up before them.

Gordon finds Barney's hand between them and holds it, feeling a little better.

They take an alternative route back in, one that involves a short walk to a guard station with an elevator. As soon as they're back in Black Mesa and Barney has a signal on his Blackberry, he starts texting James, chewing him out.

BC: you could have at least said something to gordon you know!

BC: he thought you were doing some hazing thing you jackass

JW: didnt you text him?

BC: you still oughta say somethin when youre leading him around!

JW: :(

JW: sorry gordon

BC: next time at least tell him where you're taking him, i dont want my boyfrnnbgf

JW: ?

Gordon is looking at him, watching him tap furiously on his phone's keyboard. He smiles, stepping closer to kiss Barney's cheek, interrupting what he'd been typing. Hopefully none of the security cameras caught him doing that.

"Careful now," Barney says quietly and Gordon gives him a crooked grin.

<You wanna come back to my dorm?>

"Yeah," Barney says, sliding his phone back into his pocket as they walk. "I'd like that."

They hold hands again on the tram, which is otherwise empty. It's hard to resist doing when they have a second alone. Barney lets go once they're at Gordon's stop, and the two of them head for his dorm.

Gordon unlocks the door to let them in, and before Barney can really react, Gordon's lips are on his. He closes his eyes, letting Gordon guide him, half stumbling, back to his bed. Gordon pushes him over onto the mattress and climbs on after him, kissing at his throat and jaw.

Barney runs his hands up Gordon's sides, savoring the way he shivers and presses closer. They lay like that for a long time, making out with Gordon on top, until they both have to take a break.

"God, Gordon, I really... I really like you," Barney pants, and Gordon nods, kissing him again and again. "I don't wanna move too fast for you," he says, but...

But he's hard, and he knows Gordon can feel it pressing against him. "You don't gotta do nothin, I can take care of it," Barney says, and Gordon licks his lips before nodding, climbing off of him.

Barney stands, and it's pretty uncomfortably obvious that he's got a boner. Gordon eyes the front of his pants, biting his lip. "Sorry," Barney laughs, "I'm gonna go use your bathroom--"

Gordon shakes his head, grabbing onto Barney's hand and pulling him back. Barney leans over, letting Gordon kiss him again and pull him down atop him.

He can't help himself in this position; Barney finds himself rutting against Gordon through their pants, breathing hard. Gordon moans into his mouth and it's Barney's turn to shiver, bucking his hips against him.

"Fuck," he hisses, face flushed. Gordon slips a hand between them, rubbing him through his pants, face smug and flushed and wanting. "Oh God, fuck," Barney whines, thrusting into his hand, wishing they could just skip ahead and be skin to skin.

Gordon squeezes and Barney groans lowly, squeezing his eyes shut. "I'm close," he gasps, "Gordon--"

Another carefully timed squeeze pushes him over the edge, and Barney comes in his briefs, teeth grit. Gordon rubs him through it, watching his face closely.

"Jesus," he gasps afterwards, laying atop his boyfriend. He starts to pull away, and Gordon holds him closer with a hand on his back. They lay there for a few more minutes, as Barney comes back to his senses and Gordon rubs his back.

"Do you--can I get you off?" Barney asks, and Gordon shakes his head with a coy smile. Barney leans in and kisses him again.

He does eventually make it to Gordon's bathroom to clean up. He catches sight of himself in the mirror as he's washing his hands, his cheeks flushed, and grins.

<Do you want to stay the night,> Gordon asks him when he comes back out. Barney nods, joining him on the bed again.

"You sure I can't get you off? Repay the favor?" Barney asks, and Gordon shakes his head again.

<I just want to sleep holding you.> Gordon blushes as he signs it, and then fumbles and puts his hands in his lap.

"I'd like that," Barney says, kissing him again.

Barney wakes up while Gordon's still asleep, and finds himself with morning wood. No surprises there. It had been hard to sleep, so close to Gordon, and the dreams he'd had were horny.

He watches Gordon for a little while, before climbing out of bed to go jack off and brew some coffee. Gordon stirs as the coffee pot is filling up.

"Mornin," Barney greets him, fixing up his coffee. Gordon yawns and rolls over.

Barney brings him a cup as well, and Gordon finally sits up to drink it. "I need to head back to my dorm for a bit," Barney tells him, and Gordon nods. "But, uh, if you want to get together later..." Another nod, eager. Barney grins at him.

Gordon's out of bed by the time Barney finishes his coffee and slips his boots on to leave. <See you later,> he signs at the door, and Gordon smiles and signs it back.

Barney's stepping off the tram at his dorms before he even thinks to check his phone. He turns it on to find a low battery, and a bunch of missed texts from James.

JW: don't come back to the dorms today

JW: eric saw you

JW: on cameras

JW: everyone is riled up stay with gordon

Missed call from James Welk!

JW: barney check your phone

JW: damnit

Missed call from James Welk!

Barney slows to a stop outside of the entrance to the guard dormitories. He feels cold, like his blood is all slush, half frozen. There's yelling coming from beyond the doors, and he's scared that he's going to walk right back into his parents' home, right back into his childhood.

He braces himself before walking through the doors, prepared to dodge a blow or find a shotgun pointed at him. A fair number of guards are gathered in the common area, watching the fight eagerly. James and Eric circle around each other, both looking roughed up. James is bleeding. Eric is grinning. There's an electric energy in the air as Barney lets the door slam shut behind him.

James jolts, looking back at him, and Eric takes the opportunity to shove him backwards, taking him to the ground. They struggle with one another as Eric clambers on top of him, and Graham rushes in to help.

"Look who it is!" Eric crows. "How was your walk of shame, Barney?"

"Get off him, Eric," Barney says, aware that all eyes are on him.

"What, you don't wanna see another man on top of him? Your boyfriend was so sad, Barney!" Eric says, tapping James on the cheek. "He was here all alone, and you were off with some other guy..."

"You don't even know what you're talking about," Barney snaps. Eric laughs, shaking his head, and stands up to let James to his feet. Graham shoves him away, towards Barney.

"You okay?" Barney asks, and James shakes his head, keeping his eyes on the floor.

"We wouldn't mind if you guys kept it to yourselves," Eric says. "I mean, it's disgusting. But we wouldn't give you crap if you weren't rubbing our faces in it every single day."

"No one's rubbing your face in anything, Eric," Barney snaps. "You guys are the ones who are all worked up about it."

"Oh shut up," Eric sneers. "Quit acting all high and mighty, like you weren't up all night getting plowed."

"Grow up," Barney says. "Look, if you have beef with me, that's one thing. But you don't need to go draggin James into this, he didn't do anything."

"He's the one who got all defensive about it," Eric says pointedly. "All we did was ask a few questions, and he got all violent." He grins. "Got real mad when we asked which one of you was the girlfriend."

"Hey!" Barney yells, grabbing onto James to keep him from going back into fighting range. "Jesus, Eric, what's it even matter to you? You--you want me to apologize? For being gay?"

"That's a start," Eric says, smirking.

"This is ridiculous," Barney informs him. "I am so sorry for liking men, so sorry that you're all so excited to corner some guys half your age. And I'm so sorry that I'm happier than you, and that your life makes you so miserable you have to gang up on people who show even the littlest bit of joy."

"Shut up, queer," Eric snarls at him, prowling closer.

"I'm sorry your wife left you and your kids don't talk to you!"

It gets him decked in the face pretty hard, but it's so worth it, Barney thinks, as he's hauling James back off of Eric. There's too much yelling going on to figure out who's saying what. Even James' voice is raised, snarling curses at the other guards.

"You," Eric says, pointing at Barney. "This isn't over, got that? You've got your guard dog now, but at some point you're both gonna be alone. There are more of us than there are of you, understand?

"What do you even want from me?" Barney asks, still holding his buddy back and feeling him shake.

"I want you freaks gone," Eric says. "Whether you go willingly or not. You don't belong here."

"That's not up to you," Barney sneers at him.

"Yeah, we'll see about that," Eric calls after him, as Barney heads for the hall to his and James' dorm rooms. He slams the door to James' room once they're safely inside, locking it with a shaking hand. Okay. That could have gone a lot worse, he could have been a lot more hurt.

"Are you okay?" Barney asks again, when James sinks onto the couch and puts his face in his hands. He gets a head shake in response. "Yeah, me neither. Guess that cat's outta the bag."

He gets into James' fridge to grab them a couple of beers, and settles in beside him on the couch. "You wanna play some Tomb Raider?" he asks, handing one of the beers over.

"No."

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Barney asks, drawing his legs up onto the couch. James shrugs. "I've never seen you like that..."

James just shakes his head, taking a long draw off his beer. "Can you talk to me?" Barney asks. "I didn't think you'd be this upset over gettin roughed up."

"It's not about that," James sighs, hanging his head and rubbing the bridge of his nose. Barney takes a drink, giving him time to collect his thoughts. "Just... pissed me off, real bad. What they were saying."

Barney nods, encouraging him to go on. "What'd they say?" he asks, when James doesn't continue. His face twists a bit, into a hurt expression.

"I don't wanna tell you."

"Okay," Barney says quietly.

"Just... I don't see what the problem is," James says after a bit. Barney nods, rubbing his shoulder. "It's stupid," he says a minute later, looking over at Barney.

"Yeah, well, Eric's an idiot."

"I didn't want them to hurt you guys," James says, and Barney nods, squeezing his shoulder.

"I know."

"You're my best friend."

"I know, man. You're my best friend too."

"Me and Tom, uh... My brother Tom," James says, starting over quickly. "My brother's gay. And he always stuck up for me, so I tried to stick up for him." He bites his lip, thinking. "I didn' like that," he says. "The shit they said. And I just kept thinkin, if this is how Tom gets it, all the time, or you, or Gordon..."

Barney's never heard him say so much at once. This has gotta be some kind of record, and he won't be surprised if James doesn't say a word for the next two weeks. James sniffs and speaks again, his accent creeping back into his voice. "I don't even... know what I am, and I just--got so mad, and scared, that if that's what you guys have to deal with..."

Barney's heart hurts, watching James' shoulders shake as he starts to cry. "It's okay, buddy," he says, rubbing his shoulder again. "Can I hug you?" he asks, and James nods, wiping at his face. Barney moves closer, pulling him into a hug and taking his half empty beer from him to set on the coffee table.

"S'gonna be okay," Barney tells him. "We're gonna figure somethin out."

"Okay," James sobs, holding onto him.

Barney's not sure what he's supposed to do, though. It doesn't feel safe to even leave the room right now, let alone go and put some plan into motion.

"I'm gonna text Gordon," he decides, when James pulls away. He works his phone out of his pocket and pulls up his texts with his boyfriend, finding a new message since he'd left.

GF: You should come back over :)

Barney chews on his lip a moment, then taps out a text.

BC: i need you to do me a favor

GF: Hi, what's up?

BC: are you at your dorm right now?

GF: Yeah. :)

BC: do you have the phone number for HR

There's a minute of silence between texts before Gordon sends anything back.

GF: What happened? Are you okay?

BC: im fine but i need the HR number. please

GF: Did somebody hurt you? 5758306918

Barney sighs. He doesn't want to get into the whole story, but Gordon's clearly worried, and that's not just going to go away if he doesn't answer.

BC: there was an incident in the guard dorms.

GF: I'm on my way.

BC: james got NO STAY THERE

GF: ?

BC: you stay put were just gonna call HR. dont leave your dorm for a bit

GF: Okay... :(

Barney types in the phone number Gordon gave him, listening to it ring endlessly.

Gordon tries to remain calm and do what Barney told him. Stay put in his dorm. But it's hard to do, when he's so worried. He wishes he had James' number to ask him what's going on, because he's also burning with curiosity.

Gordon waits in his dorm for almost ten minutes before he decides to go see what's happening. He has a hunch, but he doesn't want to be right about it. He hurries to the tram, phone in hand, and boards it to head for the guard dormitories.

At the second to last stop, a couple of guards step aboard. Gordon eyes them carefully, sizing them up, but neither of them pay him any attention. All three passengers get off at the guard dorms, and Gordon follows them in. There are a handful more guards in the common area, playing pool and laughing with each other. The conversations die off when Gordon walks in, heading for Barney's dorm room.

He knocks on Barney's door and stands waiting. And waiting. His brow starts to furrow with worry, and he chews on his lip, knocking again.

"Gordon," Barney hisses, and he turns to see his boyfriend peeking out of another door, next door to his own room. "Get in here, come on."

<What's going on,> Gordon signs, as Barney grabs onto his arm and pulls him into someone else's dorm room. James looks back at him from the couch as Barney locks the door again, face splotchy and red and bruising underneath that.

"I already called HR," Barney says, as Gordon's hands move frantically.

<What happened?>

Barney sighs, and gestures to the couch. "I'm gonna get us some beers, and then... James, you wanna tell him?"

"No."

"Okay. I'll tell him." Barney grabs three beers from the fridge and joins them, leaning against the back of the couch. "Someone--a guard saw us last night, Gordon."

<Okay...>

"I don't really know what went down," Barney continues, "but when I got here, James was beat up and Eric had some choice words for me." He pauses. "And I got punched in the face."

"Eric threatened to get us fired," James murmurs, sipping his beer.

Gordon furrows his brow. <They can't fire you for being gay.>

"No, no they can't," Barney says, "but there were at least a dozen guards there watching that'll back Eric up, no matter what he says."

<Aren't there cameras?> Gordon asks, looking between the two of them.

James looks away. "I threw the first punch," he admits, as Barney nods.

"Yeah, so..." He takes a sip of beer. "There's a good chance no matter what we do, there'll be trouble. I called HR and got some info, but everyone knows the dorm common area cameras don't record sound... and all they're gonna see is James taking the first swing, and twelve guards who can back up Eric on his story."

Gordon looks at him sadly, and James sinks down into the couch cushion.

<So you're not going to tell HR?> Gordon asks, looking between the two of them again.

"It's just not a smart move right now, Gordo," Barney says.

<But they should be the ones in trouble...>

"We don't know how effective an HR investigation would be, anyway," Barney says. "And if they were to retaliate, physically, or... spreading the word--"

"I don't want people to know," James sighs.

<Oh.>

"So we're gonna see what happens," Barney says. "We've got three hundred days after the incident of harassment to file, anyway. New Mexico law."

<But what do we do in the meantime?> Gordon asks. <What if they start another fight, or jump one of you?>

"We're gonna be careful," Barney says. "You too. We shouldn't be goin anywhere alone, least of all anywhere that's secluded or off camera. No more pool for a while," he notes sadly. "And for God's sake, you've gotta stop comin to the guard dorms, Gordon. I don't want you gettin cornered in here."

Gordon nods sheepishly. <Should I head back to my dorm, then?> he asks, and Barney considers for a minute.

"I don't know," he admits. "I mean, I don't want you spendin more time here than you have to, but... we should at least give it some time to calm down a bit more around here, before we walk you back."

<Okay...>

"James has good taste in games, so we'll have stuff to do," Barney says, patting his guard buddy on the shoulder.

They play Mario Kart on James' Gamecube for a long while, which as it turns out, Gordon is really good at. Barney gets up to pee after a couple hours, and comes out of the bathroom to find Gordon signing enthusiastically to James, who's nodding. He grins and decides to raid James' cupboards. If they're going to do a sleepover, they may as well have some snacks.

"Either of you boys ever had a slumber party before?" Barney asks, returning when he's done popping popcorn in the microwave. The other two shake their heads. "Damn, me neither. I don't know what we're supposed to do."

Gordon shrugs, grinning at him, as James switches gears to play Tomb Raider. Barney settles back in between them, leaning over to kiss Gordon. "I think we've gotta talk about boys or something," Barney says, watching Lara Croft scamper about on the TV. "Gordon, you got a boy you like?"

Gordon laughs and kisses him again, pulling Barney closer. He spills some of the popcorn on the floor, and they make out as Miss Croft shoots mummies.

"James," he says when they pull apart and he's sitting up, "you got any boys--"

"Not kissin you," James warns, hammering on the Playstation controller.

"Okay, didn't say you had to." Barney suppresses a laugh.

<Sorry,> Gordon signs, as James hands Barney the controller to play.

"S'okay," he mumbles, watching Barney immediately get murked by monsters. "Woooow."

"Don't say anything," Barney warns.

"Wooow!"

Gordon snorts as Barney starts up again from the last save point.

They end up playing until almost midnight, passing the controller back and forth. Gordon starts to doze off, and then James, so Barney turns the TV off, rousing them both.

"S'probably safe to head out," he says, and James nods sleepily as Gordon stretches, groaning.

James unlocks his door and peeks out into the hallway, then beckons for the other two to follow him. The guards' dormitory is quiet, and the lights are dim. Their footsteps echo in the hall as they head for the tram station.

They ride in relative silence, Gordon napping with his head on Barney's shoulder. Barney jostles him awake as they near his dorm, and leads him along, half asleep, to 309.

Barney locates Gordon's key in his pocket, unlocking the door to let them in. James stands awkwardly by the closed door as Barney tucks Gordon in and kisses him goodnight.

"You can stay here," James says, when Barney approaches again. Barney shakes his head.

"Nah. I'd be real pissed at myself if I let you go back alone to get jumped."

"It's late," James points out.

"Doesn't mean nothin's gonna happen," Barney says, locking Gordon's door from the inside before he shuts it behind them.

But nothing does happen, not that night or for the rest of the week. And admittedly, as they head into the second week after the incident, Barney starts to let his guard down. They all do.

Gordon wakes up to a text from Barney. He unplugs his Blackberry, rolls over with it, and squints to make out the letters.

BC: hey you want a coffee? i can bring you one at work

GF: Yes please. :)

GF: Are you working in anomalous materials today?

BC: yeah we got scheduled over there for this morning

GF: :D

Gordon climbs out of bed and heads for the shower to get cleaned up. When he reemerges in a cloud of steam, the first thing he does is check his phone.

BC: we are running a lil late though

BC: ill text you when were at the front desk <3

GF: <3

His heart still pounds whenever Barney does that. He knows it's silly, to get worked up over a little text heart, but it's cute, it's sweet, and it's indicative of how much they like each other.

He gets dressed, pulls his hair into a little ponytail, and slips his shoes on before heading out the door. Barney may be running late, but he's early, and the lab is quiet and empty when he arrives. Gordon flips the lights on, listening to them hum, and heads over to his desk to turn his computer on and login.

He's already wrapped up in work, auditing a spreadsheet, when someone approaches his desk. Gordon looks up with a smile, expecting Barney. His face falls a bit to see a different guard standing over him.

"Hey Freeman," the guard says. Gordon struggles to remember his name, but he's pretty sure this one's Graham. "You got a minute?"

Gordon considers for a minute and then nods. "Cool, let's walk and talk," Graham says, jerking his thumb towards the entrance to the lab.

Gordon grabs his notepad and stands, following the guard out into the hallway. He glances at the reception desk as they pass it, hoping to see Barney or James there, but it's just some other guard who looks bored to death.

Graham doesn't say anything for a few minutes, just leads Gordon around, and that's enough to make him really nervous. They pass by other guards and scientists, headed to work, and Gordon tries to assure himself that the guards won't jump him here, not in front of other scientists.

"This'll do," Graham says, and unlocks a maintenance door to step inside. Gordon hesitates but follows. "Sorry. Gotta get us off the cameras." Oh, that's not good. Gordon turns around to walk back out, but the door must have locked itself automatically. He swallows hard.

"So look," Graham says, "I need to talk to you. About Eric."

Gordon furrows his brow, frowning, and flips open his notepad to write down a response. His handwriting is shaky with fear. What about him?

Graham reads the message, nodding to himself. "Well see, he's still out for blood from you guys... And frankly, it's kind of annoying. I'd say we're all pretty sick of hearing about it from him."

Gordon raises an eyebrow. "Look, Eric's tenured. He's been here for, what, twelve years? And they won't fire him for what he did in the dorms, because, well... No one wants to speak up. It's not like we all have a problem with you guys and your... Well, I mean, some of the guards are on his side."

Gordon just stares at him.

"He knows he can get Welk fired if he complains to HR about the fight, and his boys'll back him up. And I mean, Welk's not a bad guy. Does his job good, doesn't rub his business in everyone's faces. Even Calhoun's not that bad. Sure, he's annoying about it, but Eric's being more of a pain in the ass by dragging this out so long."

Gordon clenches his hand into a fist around his pen, shaking. He jots down another scribbly message, holding it out for Graham to read. So you only care because it's annoying to hear about?

"Well, if you put it that way, it sure makes me sound like an asshole, doesn't it? Look, I'm just sick of hearing about this stuff. I shouldn't have to think about what people like you do, whether it's comin from your side or ours."

Gordon grits his teeth. "So, uh... What I'm saying is, if you three just tone it down, stay out of Eric's way, he won't have anything to talk about."

We've been staying out of his way, Gordon writes down quickly, scowling.

"Then dial it back a bit. I don't know if you guys are like... You know, but--if you're dating or whatever. Just break up. Otherwise...."

Gordon finds himself holding his breath. "Otherwise, I can't make you any promises about what we... what Eric won't do." Graham pushes past him to unlock the door and let them both out. "Alright, good talk."

Gordon hurries away, shaken, back towards Anomalous Materials. His phone dings in his pocket, and he checks to find a text from Barney.

BC: were in trouble for being late lol but coffee is on your desk <3

Gordon doesn't know how he's supposed to tell Barney what just happened. He taps out a couple of responses and backspaces each of them before figuring out his wording.

GF: Graham just gave me a whole speech about how we should break up, because Eric keeps making him think about our homosexual lifestyle all day.

BC: uh

BC: are you ok where are you

GF: Heading back to Anomalous Materials.

BC: god hes an idiot hold on darlin ill be there in a minute

Gordon stops in his tracks, face lighting up red. He can picture just how Barney would say that out loud, darlin, in his cute little accent. They haven't really done pet names up until now, but... He likes that.

He's just gotten back to his desk and is sitting down with his coffee--Barney left him a little sticky note with a heart, awww--when his boyfriend comes running into the lab, out of breath.

<You didn't have to run all the way,> Gordon signs, trying not to laugh.

"Are you okay?" Barney asks, gasping for air. "You talked to Graham alone? Where?"

<Maintenance room.>

"D--buh--Gordon, you can't just go with people like that, Jesus." Barney pulls up an unoccupied chair to sit on it backwards. "Didn't they teach you stranger danger in the big city?"

Gordon snorts. "I'm serious! You can't get all cocky around these guys, okay? Graham's a freak, and he's armed, and you're not..."

<I'm sorry.>

Barney sighs, and Gordon reaches out to take his hand, which seems to simultaneously calm and further agitate him.

"I gotta head back--James is guarding the hall alone... dual control partners and all that shit, you know..."

<Can you do me a favor?>

"Yeah, what's up."

<Can you call me D A R L I N?>

Barney goes bright red. "Uh, well--I mean..." Gordon nods, beckoning for him to go ahead, say it. "I--I gotta get back to work, okay? I'll see you later... d-darlin."

Now they match, because Gordon's blushing again too. Barney hurries out of the lab, head down, leaving Gordon to deal with the butterflies in his stomach.

He thinks he might actually love Barney Calhoun. Is it too soon to say that? Gordon's not sure what the timeline on this kind of thing is supposed to look like. It would be nice if he had some kind of guidebook, a manual to tell him when it's appropriate to be in love with someone, but he's got nothing, not even any experience to speak of.

He sighs and takes a sip of the coffee Barney bought him. It's sweeter than he likes, but he smiles, eyes on the sticky note heart. He sticks it to the side of his computer monitor and gets to work.

"I think I have serious feelings for him," Barney says, sitting down at lunch one day. James gives a little chuckle. "I mean serious feelings," Barney says. "Like... the L word."

James smiles to himself, eating his potato bacon pizza. "I think I love him," Barney says, and then flushes hard, covering his face. "How--how do I tell him that, though? I mean--what would you do?"

"I'unno."

"Okay, well, if someone was in love with you, how would you want to hear about it? Do I just text him? That seems so informal."

"Tell 'im to his face," James says, licking pizza sauce off his finger.

"What if I mess it up," Barney hisses. "You know how I perform under pressure."

"There's no pressure," James argues.

"What if he doesn't say it back," Barney groans. "Or what if he does!"

"What if they stop serving pizza for lunch," James says, "what then."

Barney smacks him in the shoulder. "Quit it. It ain't funny."

"Lil bit," James argues, smiling.

"Okay, well, when you fall in love someday, we all get to make fun of you." Barney catches sight of Gordon approaching them. "Don't say anything to him."

"Wasn't gonna," James mumbles.

<Hello,> Gordon signs, and James waves back. <Barney, are you busy tonight?>

"What, hey, that's me," Barney says, and then blushes when Gordon laughs. "No, I'm free. What's up?"

<We should go out,> Gordon signs, and Barney clears his throat, glancing at James (who is pretending very poorly that he's not paying attention.)

"Yeah, we should," Barney says finally, and Gordon beams at him. "I'll come get you at seven, if that's okay..?"

At six, Barney hauls ass back to the dorms to pick out a nice outfit. James has told him to lean hard into the cowboy thing, but he's not sure whether or not to buy that. He ends up in his cowboy boots again anyway, along with jeans and a nice button down, and hurries back to the tram to go get Gordon from his dorm.

There aren't a whole lot of places to go on a date near Black Mesa. There's the Chinese restaurant, a diner, a little motel, and a couple of shops. They end up at the movie theater again, to watch some Vin Diesel action movie that Barney can't pay nearly enough attention to, busy as he is thinking about Gordon.

He thinks he really might be in love with the guy. Gordon finds his hand in the dark, laces their fingers together and squeezes, and Barney feels his heart skip a few beats.

Yeah, he's in deep. He's got it bad. He's gotta say something.

They make it back to Gordon's dorm before he speaks up, and then it's a jumble of nonsense trying to escape his mouth. "Gordon, I--you think I might--I have some kind of... I think, no, I know. I have feelings for you." And then he buries his face in his hands wondering what the fuck is wrong with him, how hard can it be to communicate something so simple?

Gordon just smiles at him, pulling his hands away from his face, and kisses him. He leads Barney back towards the bed, pulling him down atop himself, and Barney's heart thuds in his chest, excited and scared and desperate.

"You gonna let me get you off this time?" he asks between kisses, and Gordon kind of freezes, giving a nervous little chuckle. Barney sits up slowly, frowning down at him.

"Gordon, if you don't wanna do this, we don't--"

<I want to.>

"Then why are you..." Holding back. It's like Gordon doesn't want to be involved, or something, and it kind of bothers Barney. "If you're not--"

<I don't want to freak you out,> Gordon signs, looking sad and scared. Barney stares at him.

"Why would I be freaked out? I wanna see you, Gordon..." Gordon bites his lip, looking away, and Barney picks up his hands to kiss his knuckles. "Tell me what's up, baby."

Gordon makes eye contact again, but his pretty green eyes are no less downcast, no less fearful, and it's kind of starting to hurt, seeing that look on his face. <Barney, I don't want you to hate me.>

"What? Gordon, darlin, why would I ever hate you--"

<I don't have a dick>

Barney furrows his brows in confusion, and his eyes flicker down to Gordon's fly, confused. "You don't?"

Gordon looks away, upset, and Barney could just smack himself. "H-hey, Gordon, come on. I wanna understand, okay?"

<I'm T R A N S G E N D E R,> Gordon signs, looking more hurt than ever before as he spells it out. Barney watches his hands, lifts his gaze back to Gordon's face. Gordon won't look at him.

"That's... that don't change how I feel about you, Gordon," Barney says finally, quietly. Gordon won't look at him! "Can you... Can we talk? Is that okay?"

Gordon nods curtly, and Barney gets it. He sees it. Gordon's steeling himself for rejection, for something to hurt him. Barney sits up and settles beside him on the bed, taking his hand to rub his thumb over the back of it.

"I really do have feelings for you, Gordon," he starts, and Gordon chuffs quietly, closing his eyes. "I do. I don't... I don't know if anything could change that." He squeezes Gordon's hand. "Look, uh. I still want to try, but..."

<You don't have to force yourself.>

"No, that's not... Look. When I was... sixteen? I had a girlfriend, sorta." And that's clearly the wrong thing to say, because now Gordon is tensing, turning away, tearing up. "No, no, Gordo, hey... I know you're not... I'm sorry."

<It's okay.>

"I know you're a man, Gordon, I'm just... I'm scared too. Back then, I tried, and I just... I was so scared. And I know you're a man, I'm just worried that my body won't know, and if I can't... perform for you..."

Gordon sniffles, wiping his eyes, and glances back at him.

"I still wanna try, Gordon, my dick's just real dumb." That at least earns him a laugh. "Can I at least hold you or somethin?"

Gordon thinks about it for a minute, then nods and leans into him. Barney pulls him closer, ducking his head to kiss Gordon's cheek. Eventually, Gordon lifts his head to kiss him back, draping his arms around Barney's shoulders. They fall over on the bed, kissing slowly, carefully, until one of them pulls away to breathe.

"I still wanna try," Barney reiterates as they lay side by side. He cups his hand on Gordon's cheek, leaning in to kiss his forehead.

<I do too,> Gordon signs back. <Maybe next time. I don't want to throw too much at you at once.>

The night ends on a bittersweet note, because while they do kiss (a lot) Barney ends up heading back to his dorm in the end. He could just punch himself right about now. Sure, he'd been nervous, and sure, he'd only gotten more anxious when Gordon had told him, but maybe if he'd kept his cool they could have at least tried.

But he isn't going to push the issue, not when Gordon seems so sad and tired. They'll try some other time. And Barney's going to make damn well sure their first time together is good. Candles and rose petals good.

But first, he has to admit that he has no idea what to do. He considers asking James, but Lord knows that guy won't know. Instead, he turns where he's always turned for answers to scary questions. The internet.

Barney finds himself at the homepage for Google the next morning, clicked into the search bar but unable to bring himself to type anything. He's in his dorm, on his personal computer, but a frightening thought of surveillance lingers in the back of his mind. Can Black Mesa administration see his Google searches? It's not like he's ever worried about it before, and God knows he's looked up plenty of porn on this thing, but he suddenly cares. If someone were to link up his search activity to his relationship with Gordon and somehow figure out that Gordon is trans--well, that would be a total violation of his boyfriend's privacy, and he can't have that.

He sits on the main page for a long, long time before he finally decides on a vague enough search to feel safe looking up. Even once he's chosen his words, he's hesitant to type it out. "Vaginal sex" just feels so weird to look up on Google. Do people do that? Just look up vaginas? Creeps.

But he's gotta figure this out, how he's going to make this work with Gordon. How he's going to make Gordon feel good, cause he's got no experience in this particular department. And if, along the way, he can trick his dick into playing... swinging for the other... base? Fuck, he's no good at sports metaphors.

What comes up at first is a lot of porn, and then he quickly backs out and turns on Safesearch. He ends up on Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia,and feels his eyes go crossed reading through paragraph after clinical paragraph describing nothing.

Fuck it. He's got Safesearch on, no one can track him. Having sex with a trans guy, he searches next, and up come some actual resources, which he gladly clicks through.

It's weird. He thought he'd feel some sort of dark, horrible dread going forward. Like this would be the end of things between them, but he's actually... kind of excited. He's already seen Gordon mostly naked before, and he knows he has a nice body, and this really doesn't change a whole lot, just...

Logistics. It changes logistics. And again, he's a little nervous about his own body not responding how he wants it to, or of not being able to perform and please Gordon. That's what the research is for.

He doesn't look up when his door opens, knows that he locked it, so it's gonna be James coming in. "Hey," he calls from his desk, and James kind of grumbles something in response and plops down on his couch to turn on the TV and VCR.

Barney clicks around for a bit longer, scrolls through some PDFs, and ultimately closes everything and powers down his PC. The fact is, he's not going to know until he and Gordon try, until he sees him naked and touches him for real. No diagrams and gently worded PDFs are going to change that.

He grabs his phone and joins James on the couch with a sigh, tapping through to his texts with Gordon.

BC: hey darlin you busy?

No response right away, and he starts getting antsy, begins typing out a second message that gets deleted and retyped a few more times.

BC: we should go out tonight

GF: Hi Barney!

BC: oh hey

GF: Sure! :)

BC: ill come get you around five?

GF: Okay! I'll see you then. <3

He turns to James and nudges him until he diverts his attention from the TV. "I ain't wearin the boots this time," he says, and James raises an eyebrow.

In the end, he wears the fucking boots. He loves his boots, he does, but it feels corny. Sure, Black Mesa's no big city, it's not up north or anything, but he feels like a doofus anyway, walking through the tram station and towards Gordon's dorm. At least he doesn't own a cowboy hat, he tells himself, or he'd probably be stuck wearin that too.

To his surprise, Gordon is waiting for him at the tram station, all smiles and flustered signing. The two of them hop right aboard the tram to the surface, settling into the seats at the back of the (otherwise empty) transport.

"I've been thinkin about it," Barney says, and Gordon tilts his head inquisitively. "About... you know. I wanna give it a try. Uh, tonight. I mean, if you want to. We don't have to--" He feels Gordon shiver hard, tremble where their thighs touch, all the way up to their clasped hands. Gordon pulls his hand away to sign eagerly.

<Yeah, we should.>

"Uh, good. Cool." Barney says, and clears his throat. "So, uh... after this..."

<Now.>

Barney laughs, shaking his head. Not because he's nervous, because he finds that he's not. "No, we should go on an actual date first."

Gordon pouts, but nods. Barney grins, taking his hand again to squeeze it.

They end up at the movies, at Gordon's suggestion, which works fine for Barney. Gordon leads the way to the back of the theater, the way back seats, and Barney catches himself before he can get too excited. Sweet, pure Gordon's not going to try anything with him here. This is a public venue!

The previews start, and Barney almost doesn't notice when Gordon's soft, gentle hand lands on his thigh and trails up. Almost. He glances at his boyfriend, who has his eyes on the big screen.

Gordon squeezes his thigh, rubbing him through his jeans, and Barney licks his lips, glancing over again. He's doing this on purpose, huh? His eyes are on Gordon when the movie finally starts, and he's half hard in his jeans when Gordon unzips him and slips a hand into his briefs to stroke him.

Fuck. Barney's not good at being quiet. Time and time again, he's proven that. Gordon smiles, not looking at him as he pumps Barney to hardness, drawing a shuddery exhale from him.

Breathe, Barney, you gotta breathe. Don't try to hold it--but for the love of God, be silent.

Gordon pulls Barney's dick out, glances at him quickly, and leans over to take him into his mouth and fuck, oh fuck, he's not gonna keep from hollerin at that rate. Barney bites his lip, trying to watch and not watch Gordon lick at his cock. It's too hot, too damn hot, and he's gonna lose his focus, start moaning and talkin stupid if Gordon doesn't knock it off.

It's a damn good thing the movie's so loud, he thinks, resting his face in his hand. He's sweating. He's--so fucking turned on, and some part of him wonders if this is Gordon's cheeky way of punishing him for telling him to "wait" before, on the tram.

"Fuuuck," Barney hisses, and Gordon takes him into his mouth, bobs his head. Where the hell did he even learn that? Sure, Barney's got some experience, that's normal; but Gordon... he can't imagine cute, sweet Gordon ever putting anyone else's cock in his mouth. And also, he doesn't want to. He swallows hard, just as Gordon pulls away, sits up. He feels like cursing up a storm now--but Gordon moves fast, moves to the floor to kneel in front of him, strokes him with his eyes on Barney's flushed face, laps at the tip.

"Fuck," Barney repeats, hissing the word, and Gordon smiles, eyes flickering down to the task at hand.

Now that Barney's thinkin about it--and he's not. His mind's completely devoted to Gordon Freeman right now, no free space to consider anything else--but he's never actually received a blowjob before. Always the giver, never the taker. He's almost glad for that now, because any fond memories of receiving oral he might have had would have been gone now. Gordon's mouth is so hot and wet and his throat is so tight, and his facial hair is so cute, he's so, so cute, so handsome, so hot, and Barney's trying so hard not to grab onto the sides of his head and just fuck him, get them banned from the theater and possibly arrested for indecent exposure all at once.

Gordon's eyes flicker up to his face, sweet and bright and green, so pretty. Barney whines, swallowing his moan.

<Gonna cum,> he signs as a warning, and Gordon bobs his head down, swallowing around him, and fuuuuck, that's good, that's real nice. He bites down on his fist to keep from making too much sound as he finishes in Gordon's mouth, gasping hard.

Gordon climbs back into his seat, swallowing hard, and leans over to kiss his cheek. Okay, well. Fuck. Now he doesn't care about the movie.

It's an honest to God struggle to not just drag Gordon outside, back to the tram, back underground to his dorm and fuck him immediately. Or, hell, there's the hotel in the halfway town. They could make do. Instead Barney sits, burning and unable to focus, as Gordon strokes his hand and occasionally kisses his cheek, his neck, his temple.

Remember when you said you thought you might possibly have feelings for him? You're a fucking moron, Calhoun.

Gordon has to shake him out of his daze when the credits are rolling, and then he leads Barney back the way they came, back to the tram, back into Black Mesa. Barney hustles along after him, struggling not to grab onto his hand and pull him into a dark corner somewhere to continue what Gordon had started back at the movies. The tram ride is the worst of the trip; he just wants to pace, to burn off the nervous energy building in his legs.

And then, almost soon enough, they reach Gordon's dorm. Gordon unlocks the door to let them in, locks it behind himself, and turns around to let Barney kiss him hard. Barney's hands go to his hips, pulling Gordon close as the two of them stumble towards his bed. His fingertips slide down the inside of Gordon's pants and underwear, on his outer thigh, rubbing him skin to skin as he presses his boner against Gordon's crotch. Gordon's breath hitches in his throat; he pulls Barney down onto the bed atop him, grinding into his hardon.

<I want you. Now.>

"Fuckin, yessir," Barney drawls, and leans in to kiss Gordon again, hot and heavy. He feels his zipper being undone and groans, breaking the kiss to watch Gordon stroke him again. Only this time, there's no dark theater to hide anything, no movie explosions to cover his gasps and moans as Gordon pumps him--

"Fuuuck, slow down, babe," he groans, and Gordon nearly stills his hand. Barney leans in and peppers Gordon's neck with kisses, hands fumbling with his zipper, then pushes his jeans down. Gordon eagerly kicks them off, yanking his shirt off at the same time, and Barney gets an eyeful of his body again, his scars, his freckles, his abundant happy trail. Barney wriggles out of his own jeans, flinging them somewhere in the direction of the kitchen. He grabs onto Gordon's thighs to pull him close, rutting against him through his briefs.

"You might--gotta walk me through this," Barney gasps, eyes on his dick on Gordon's clothed crotch. Gordon gives a little snort.

<You seem to know what you're doing.>

"Okay, well, don't laugh if I manage to fuck it up, s'all I'm sayin." He leans down to kiss Gordon again and whines softly through his nose. He can feel how hot and wet Gordon is through his briefs, and he wants to get a move on, put it in already--

Gordon laughs against his lips, and Barney pulls back, breathing hard. "I wanna see you," he groans, and Gordon doesn't hesitate. Just shimmies his underwear down and kicks them off the bed. He's--hairy. Hairy, and very wet, and not what Barney was expecting, not at all like the girl he'd taken to her senior prom some handful of years back. His--Barney's not actually sure on terminology here--but he's got a little bit of a dick, just ahead of his pussy.

"You, uh... you gotta show me what you like, alright?" Barney says, although his hand is already hovering, eager to touch Gordon. Gordon laughs a little, breathily, and slides his trembling hand down past his dick and into the wetness behind it, slicking up his fingers. Barney is aware that, as he so often does with Gordon around, he's holding his breath. He exhales hard, shakily, as Gordon rubs at his dick with a groan.

<Touch yourself?> Gordon signs one-handed, eyebrows raised in a question. Barney nods, slipping a hand into his briefs, until Gordon reaches over and tugs them down for him. The head of his cock is already wet with precum, and Barney rubs his thumb over it idly, barely paying himself attention as Gordon rubs at his own dick urgently.

<You can touch yourself,> Gordon signs again, firm despite the tremble in his hands, and Barney whines, starts stroking. He wants this to last, he doesn't want to blow his load right here and now watching Gordon. He wants to at least get to put it in. He bows his head, eyes on Gordon's pussy as he edges himself, groaning.

"I don't wanna cum too quick," he says, and Gordon shakes his head, wiggling his hips, whining softly.

<We have all night.>

Barney bites his lip, slowly starting to move his hand again. He's already so close--and then Gordon cums and cums hard, gasping and groaning out loud, rubbing himself through it, and Barney can't hold back anything. He follows suit, eyes on Gordon as he jerks through his orgasm, spraying rope on his bare, hairy thigh.

They both sit there and recover for a moment, dodging eye contact as they catch their breath. Barney's trying not to feel bad about nutting on Gordon's leg, and looks up at him to offer to clean it off for him, catching his eye. Gordon licks his lips and crawls closer, pulling Barney into a kiss.

And then Gordon's hand is on his dick, stroking him so gently, like he's trying not to hurt him. Barney ruts forward, pushing Gordon over to climb on top of him. He breaks the kiss, breathing hard, to look down at Gordon's body.

"You gotta let me get you off, baby," he pants, and Gordon flushes, nods, spreads his legs for Barney's hand. Barney slides a finger against his slit to feel how wet he is, and then rubs curiously at his dick, and Gordon arches his back, whining and breathing hard.

"You like this, huh," Barney asks, and Gordon jerks his hips up in answer. He gasps, grabbing onto Barney's wrist to guide him, and Barney can feel him twitching, hot and desperate. "Can... Can I suck you off, Gordo?"

Gordon half-slurs something in response, a wordless reply, and Barney nods, crawling back and hooking his arms under Gordon's knees to lift and spread his legs, putting them over his shoulders. Gordon digs his heels into Barney's back as he moves in closer, presses a kiss to his dick and then licks it experimentally.

The noise Gordon makes is encouragement enough. Barney presses his face down, taking Gordon's dick into his mouth to suck him off relentlessly. Gordon writhes, trying to buck his hips, and Barney can feel his wetness on his chin, and it's almost shocking how hot that's getting him.

Gordon cums after a few minutes, wet on his jaw, and Barney moves his mouth down, eats him out as his thumb works at Gordon's dick. "B-Barney," Gordon gasps, tangling a hand in his hair, "Barney, nnn, nough--!"

He doesn't let up, not even once Gordon's begging, babbling at him, just moves back to his dick and laves it with attention. Gordon squeezes his thighs around Barney's head, rocking against his stubble uselessly as Barney kisses his mons, finally slowing.

"Barney," Gordon whines, and Barney lets go of his legs, crawling closer to kiss him again. They lay there for a couple of minutes, kissing and holding each other as Gordon recovers, Barney's erection pressed against his thigh.

<I want you,> Gordon signs to him, and Barney nods, hand moving from Gordon's hip to his thigh, lifting it and spreading his legs for him. They kiss again, Gordon pulling him closer as Barney rubs his cock at Gordon's entrance and pushes slowly in.

"Fuck," Gordon whines, and Barney nods in silent, gasping agreement, then presses his face to Gordon's neck to kiss it. He's never felt anything like this, not just physically--he realizes, bottoming out inside Gordon that he's really in love with this man. Not just infatuated--he's in love.

They move together, Barney rocking into him as Gordon pants and groans, squeezing tight around him. He looks like a hot mess; face red and sweaty, eyes unfocused as Barney fucks him into his mattress. He's so beautiful like this, Barney thinks, and stops staring and closes the distance to kiss him.

It's not long before they both finish, and Barney pulls out and lays, gasping for air, beside him. Gordon rolls closer and cups his cheek, eyes warm and just as pretty and green as the day they'd met.

I love you, Barney thinks, even if I'm too chickenshit to say it now. I love you.

And maybe someday he'll have the guts to tell Gordon how he feels, what he wants and how he hopes they can spend their lives together. Maybe someday he won't feel so scared, like a kid hiding in the basement cupboard, like a boy walking down the highway towards uncertainty.

For now though... he props his chin up on his hand and pets Gordon's sweaty hair, listening to his breathless laugh. Gordon kisses his jaw and closes his eyes.

For now, they've got time. Barney's not just holding his breath; he's breathing in the moment, and he knows there'll be more for them both.

<I love you,> Gordon signs, and presses their hands together. Barney stares at him, flush creeping back over his cheeks, and a grin spreads across his face.

"I was gonna say it first..."

<Too slow.>

"I love you too, babydoll," Barney says, and they move closer to kiss.

Time. There's plenty of time.